You Know You're a Full-fledged Parent When...

...you stop worrying about the carpet and start wondering what flavor that is
flowing out of the TV set.

Leap Day Rules: Refuting Crappy Yoda Advice

Hey! That's not what Da-da's talking about! Paws off the boob, babyface.
(Oh, and nice circuit board, babe.)

The Pirahna... er, Banana Brothers, Bronko and Nagurski, were watching, "Empire Strikes Back," the other night (for the... fifth time). Halfway through, Yoda starts Yoda-ing about something Da-da's been noodling for years -- specifically, the scene where Yoda says, "No. Try not. DO... or do not. There is no TRY." Da-da stopped the movie at this point to directly refute the alleged sage advice.

Like the song says, "Ya Gotta Try." Doing is fine, but some things you're not gonna do right away. You've got to TRY, first. Sure, one person in a thousand will get it right the first time, but the rest of us gotta try and try and try and try until you get it right and can DO without fail. The DO thing is horrible advice, especially for kids. Don't you kids realize how many times Da-da had to TRY before he could get on an escalator without falling down? It's certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

So... TRY. That's all Da-da asks. That's all anyone can ask. TRY. Sure, you're gonna fall on your face a lot, but it's the first step toward DO. Oh, and Yoda... shut up. Use the Force on THIS, lizard breath. And if you don't like this one, THERE IS ANOTHER.

A little help.

You Know You've Been Mr. Mom Too Long When...

...bears start looking really good to you -- AND VICE VERSA.

Da-da's Dozing to...

Puts the kids to sleep every time -- and Da-da if he isn't wearing ear plugs.

Da-da's Listening To...

So that's where Da-da's head went. (Mind Da-da's adam's apple, hairdo.)

Science Has Been Eating Prehistoric Donuts

Mmmmm.... yummy.

No, it's not a spectral imprint of Da-da's nasal cavity, it's what IBM researchers are calling a "subatomic snapshot of the electric charge within a molecule." Ok, Da-da hates to be a pain, but we kinda already knew what electric charge looks like via what are called, "fulgurites," which are quite literally, "frozen lightning." Check it out:

Observe the shape, Timmy. One school of thought has fulgurites created when lightning strikes sand and fuses silica into glass at around 1800° (3270°F), the high energy plasma flowing down down down (and why does it go down?), fusing sand at the plasma outskirts into glass, yielding a hollow, crenelated tube. Phew. Oddly, fulgurites often take this "churro" shape.

What does this tell you about electric charge? Well, it could have something to do with this shape, but... NEWS FLASH... scientists have fumbled the magic donut once again and missed the point entirely, as fulgurites are in actuality CHURRO FOSSILS. Yes, donuts from some long lost civilization. You can almost smell the cinnamon. Almost. And that means that electric charge is actually churro shaped, and sometimes kruller shaped. Is anyone writing this down?

 Da-da's guessing that these are better fresh, but he's buried some
in the backyard and he'll let you know in a million years. Stay tuned!

Don't Expect Help From the Cows

It's Monday and, as usual, the cows are not helping.

That Penultimate Look of Parenthood

Warning, kids... Da-da Facequake, Force: Infinity. Run. RUN.

The Ultimate Anomaly, The Ultimate Future

What does this have to do with anything? EVERYTHING.

You're gonna love this. Seriously. Read through to the end. Ready? Ok. First, let's review:

Thank you, Frugal Dad. Awesome work.

Ok. Sure. Six companies to rule them all. They own all the media outlets. But, fewer and fewer people are watching and reading and listening. Younger demographics might still watch sports, but otherwise, people are tuning the content out. Fewer and fewer people watch TV news shows or read newspapers or listen to news radio -- save for the 60+ crowd, but their numbers are finite and dwindling.

Why is it that people from 50 on down are turning away from the above outlets? Because they're not as stupid as the six corporations think. People are getting smarter on the whole, savvier, and are shying away from traditional news sources, sources that are seen as unreliable propaganda machines, with "shying away" equating to lost trillions of ad revenue dollars. This is all a given, not that the above corps would ever tell you.

So what, right? Well, Da-da is here to point out an opportunity for you moneygrubbers media visionaries -- a "win-win," in your parlance. There's an opportunity for ONE (ready for the oxymoron?) Enlightened Corporation to do a complete 180 and simply TELL THE TRUTH. 24/7/365. Tell the truth about everything. Live. Unpolished. No agendas. Warts and all. Journalists would soil themselves with delight. They've been chomping at the bit for a decade.

Now, if you, Enlightened Corporation, did this, people would notice. Smart people. People with money. And they'd point it out to others. You know, others in your target demographics. And you'd win back whole generations simply by telling the truth. Wow. What a concept. Thing is, IT'S NEVER BEEN DONE.

Think of the countless thousands of years of history and events that could be mined for the truth, showing people what really happened, what's really happening. It would be nothing short of game-changing.

But wait. That one extreme act might cause other media corporations to start telling the truth, too. Truth might become... vogue. (No way. WAY.) So, when a phony reason for another war is paraded before the public, the New Journalists would mention that this was done before, many times -- and quite recently -- just to make money and keep you afraid and separate you from your brother.

So. Which of you media outlets is gonna tell The Cabal to go to hell and run with this money ball? Because increased eyeballs on your content means increased ad moolah and increased share price. Like the guy said in, The Shawshank Redemption: "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'", 'cause otherwise, you're goin' down. Which will it be, Rupert? Michael? Mickey? Care to see your share price double in value? Triple? Septuple? Isn't that what life's all about? (No, but you're probably just realizing that.)

Now comes the parenting tie-in.

Imagine raising your kids in a culture that worshipped the truth. Wow. We could stop spending money on cooked-up wars and conflicts and -- GASP -- work together, to build a safe future, to build something really cool. If we stopped spending money on bombs and rockets and people not getting along, we would actually be able to build THIS:

What are you waiting for?

We quite literally have the technology and the resources. Our kids could go to Starfleet Academy and be Kirk and Spock (ok, Da-da's are probably gonna be more like that white gorilla thing that bit Kirk's neck). So, let's stop bickering and go exploring. All it takes is a decision to do the right thing.

That Friday Night Look of BORG Parenthood

It's Friday night. The kids are asleep.
You have tubes in your head and Da-da is synthetic: KISS THE DATA.

It's Snowing Again...

...LOOK AT THE BONES.

Parenthood Makes...

...people silly and rotund! Yay! Wait. Sorry. Parenthood makes DA-DA silly and rotund! Yay! Ha ha! An important distinction, as you're quite sagacious and... well, HOT. Has Da-da told you how hot you are? WELL YOU ARE. Now, does the above graphic imply that Parenthood makes one dance like elite entertainers? Yeah. That must be it.

Happy Day After... uh, Happy Tuesday!

Da-da's just offering an opinion, officers. He forgot it was illegal. But DAMN, those hormone pills WORK.

Besides Da-da's allegedly controversial Pre-President's Day post, there's this. This morning, Da-da overheard some folks, queued up at the cashier's, discussing how the Founding Father's would react to present circumstances if they were alive today. After those assembled offered various opinions of Left and Right and the silence finally beat them back to their trenches, Da-da popped up and reminded them that, if the Founding Father's were alive today, they'd probably be waving to us from their prison cells. They'd take one look at what's going on and... well, they weren't the sit-around type. Happy... uh, Happy Tuesday!

Green means go! er, STOP! Wait. It means something, we just forgot what.

The Brother of Contention

Da-da and Ma-ma thought long and hard on timing, and willingly planned to whelp the monkies closer together (well, Ma-ma did the actual whelping; Da-da offered moral support and got his hand crushed). This planned birthing was done deliberately so the two siblings, "could be friends." "They'll be buddies!" was the rationale. Yeah. Buddies. 

Bronko and Nagurski popped out 19 mos. apart and have been at each others' throats ever since, vacillating between Banana Brother and Pirahna Brother status. Da-da has spoken to adults who themselves have siblings close in age (anywhere from 15-22 months apart) and with only ONE exception (out of about 30 people), when asked if this made them closer to said other brother or sister, they paused and looked at something Da-da couldn't see and answered: "No." Yet another pie-in-the-sky theory tossed into the Dustbin of Good Intentions.

Someone's gonna die.

That School Holiday Look of Parenthood

Less of a facial tick, and more like an ontological cataclysm.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Sled

Good dog.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Brush Your Parrot

Seriously. Or they might get cranky.

"Honey..."

"...the boys are blowing up sheep again. Your turn for clean-up."

Tsunami -proof Concrete Islands

[img src: New Scientist]

Da-da doesn't normally repost others' work, but he'll make an exception in this case. Sako Architects in Tokyo recently published this awesome "tsunami-proof" island-town concept. Da-da-bob says check it out.

[linky link]

Da-da might add a few more meters height.

Life, the Universe, and Everything: Da-da's Old School Manifesto [UPDATED]

Lookout. Da-da's on a kind of Lutheresque rampage -- well, in a Douglas Adams/Alvin Toffler/Da-da sorta way. (Future-boy says, "huh?")

[sound of hammering]

Out of love for the truth, the following Da-da-esque propositions will be posted here on Triumph of a Man Called Da-da, under the exigency of A Man Called Da-da, Master of Small Beings and Sacred Blankie Artifacts, Lecturer in Ordinary Singularities. Wherefore he requests that those unable to be present and debate with us, may do so by remote diaper viewing or post-prandial sortilege -- or the comments thingie below, not that it'll do any good; no one reads anything longer than 140 characters anymore.

[Updates in brackets, except for the sound of hammering above.]

In the Name of Common Sense Which is Not Common Anymore, Da-da the Parentoid Hereby Declares:

1. Da-da will read more books. Physical ones. Without batteries. [UPDATE: Da-da just bought a booklight, but he's pretty sure that doesn't count.]
2. Da-da will write more books; his third book (weird, enlightening parenting humor) is nearly done. [UPDATE: a few publishers have expressed interest. Stay tuned.]
3. Da-da will spend less time online. No, really. [UPDATE: ha!]
4. Da-da will not stare at little screens, unless his phone rings. Instead, he will stare only at BIG screens, especially if they're at a drive-in. Or CostCo. [UPDATE: Da-da only seems to be watching X-files reruns. Why is that?]
5. Da-da will stare at computer screens less, and instead...
6. He will watch more B-movies, as they're more like real life, in that they UNIFY HUMANITY AGAINST GIANT MONSTERS (among other things). The world has had enough division by giant monsters, thank you. [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
7. Da-da will reboot the metaphoric posterior of any org that violates his civil rights, or those of anyone else. Orwell's, 1984, was not an instruction manual. [UPDATE: many posteriors have been coincident in space-time with Da-da's size 14 boot.]
8. Da-da will divest himself of all things Social Networking, deleting his Twitter and Myspace and Facebook accounts. Less is more. If people don't know INSTANTLY that Da-da has a baloney sandwich in his pants, then so be it. Social Networking is such a 2009 oxymoron. [UPDATE: Da-da dumped Myspace, but for the most part has failed miserably here, as several thousand people in the world actually DO CARE if Da-da has a baloney sandwich in his pants, and who is Da-da to stand in the way of over-communication?]
9. Da-da will rely less on technology, and more on his own sense organs. No 3D glasses. No heads-up displays. No earbuds. No bullhorn. [UPDATE: Damn. Da-da got six new bullhorns and 3-D underpants for Xmas.]
10. Da-da will take walks after dinner, especially when awake. [UPDATE: Da-da's wooden leg and steel teeth are working better than anyone predicted!]
11. Da-da will care less about what time it is. What time is it, anyway? [UPDATE: Da-da is now perpetually late.]
12. Da-da will help people more, even annoying people. [UPDATE: Da-da once had the opportunity to push Bill Gates off of a 12th-story balcony, but he didn't. Does that count?]
13. Kindness will be Da-da's religion. Even if he gets hit in the head with a spinning, die-cast, "HERBIE THE LOVE BUG" with both doors open. [UPDATE: Da-da's yelling has reduced in volume a whopping 3%! Mostly because of yelling fatigue.]
14. Da-da will strive to be analog -- that is, not digital in any sense. Off-line analog is the new black. [UPDATE: Da-da's main laptop failed -- again, even with a new harddrive -- so he's been forced into the analog world. Da-da must admit: they have much better tacos.]
15. Da-da will not believe anything he reads, be it online or in print. Not even his own writing. [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
16. Da-da will no longer believe, "experts," of any kind, unless they show Da-da their data AND the sources of their funding, up front, thus...
17. Da-da will believe only what he personally experiences.[UPDATE: Da-da now only believes the experts who sleep in Da-da's bed, an admittedly small list, but a DYNAMIC one. Do cats count?]
18. Da-da will turn off his TV more -- unless, "Swing Time" is on again. Or "Network." [UPDATE: Crap. Da-da's new DVR keeps PULLING HIM BACK IN.]
19. Da-da will NOT watch NFL games, anymore, for lots of reasons.  [UPDATE: 52% success! Da-da did manage to ignore the Superbowl this year.]
20. Da-da will NEVER EVER BE THIS GUY (Da-da's wings are R A I N B O W S).
    
    [UPDATE: That IS Da-da. Damn.]
    
21. Da-da will shun corporate entities, esp. those that look like the above. [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
22. Da-da will eat more vegetables, after killing them mercilessly, o'course. [UPDATE: SUCCESS! Btw, aren't hot dogs technically vegetables?]
23. Da-da will only use high-end, over-the-ear headphones, as ear-buds look like hearing aids from 1971. [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
24. Da-da will not be a Republican or a Democrat or an Independent or a Libertarian -- or really any traditional party. There is no US and THEM, only US. Thus...
25. Da-da will only support The Sandworm Party. [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
26. Da-da will not be political, nor discuss politics, nor diss anyone for any belief whatsoever. [UPDATE: HA!] Besides kindness, Da-da's other watchword is equanimity. Sure, what John Wayne Gacy did was horrific, but has anyone looked at his early life? [UPDATE: And now his attorneys have finally located accomplices! Way to go, guys!] It's hard to hate what you understand. [UPDATE: No it's not.]
27. Da-da will NEVER see a 3D movie that was not made before 1979, with the exception of, "METAL STORM: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)." [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
28. Da-da will own less domains. [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
29. Da-da will not participate in any fad or fashion of any kind, except the wearing of tie-dye shirts (because he owes it to the hippies he maligned while a toddler), and maybe afros, Da-da looks good in afros (He's at the end of the link). [UPDATE: Da-da's fro is now GALACTIC.]
30. Da-da will buy more food from people he knows. [UPDATE: You can eat only so many green beans.]
31. If Da-da needs to buy things, he will try to do so in person. [UPDATE: Online is very much like being there!]
32. Da-da will make his own coffee: instant. [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
33. Da-da will watch, "NETWORK," more.  [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
34. Da-da will channel Lloyd Dobler more. Who's Lloyd Dobler? YOU KNOW WHO HE IS: 
    
    "Da-da won't sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career... except maybe books. And weird art. Does that count? Da-da also won't sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career. Da-da doesn't want to do that."'
    
    [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
    
    
35. Da-da will ride bikes more. Even if people laugh and point. [UPDATE: They also throw rocks.]
36. Da-da will never play video games (he hasn't since 1995), nor will his children. Video games are the biggest time-sink of all modern contrivances, and encourage people to be inhuman. (Not like B-movies, where HUMANITY BANDS TOGETHER IN 3D.) [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
37. Da-da will not mock small children, no matter how many tantrums they've had in one 24-hour period. [UPDATE: COMPLETE FAILURE!]
38. Da-da will mirror anger with kindness. He will mirror insanity with sanity. Well, he'll try. [UPDATE: COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE!]
39. Da-da will seek out quiet. [UPDATE: COMPLETE FAILURE!]
40. Da-da will win by losing. [UPDATE: COMPLETE FAILURE!]
41. Da-da will turn off more lights and burn more candles. With unicorns on them. [UPDATE: SUCCESS!] Failing that, he will burn more unicorns (mmm, unicorn asada tacos). [UPDATE: MORE SUCCESS! UNICORN TACOS FOR EVERYONE!] And finally...
42. Da-da will make long lists of things he will and won't do -- even if he has to hit that ball 42 times. [UPDATE: COMPLETE FAILURE! YAY!]

To Your Scattered Bodies Go

Yet another successful attorney launch.

In the one hour Da-da has to himself every day, Da-da has been busy creating a new product that will change all your lives forever (yes, for the better). Da-da and approx. 153,000 formerly out-of-work oompa loompas recently unveiled a product that will definitely change the lives of the approximately 597,932,002 attorneys worldwide. Really just a very large actuator, 40,000 gallons of long-chain-molecule machine oil under tremendous pressure propels a single, huge tungsten carbide piston through an enormous 20-foot-long by 3-foot-wide cylinder, explosively evacuating the cylinder chamber -- and of course, whatever's inside. Neat, huh?

Known as an "actuator/launcher," hydraulic and pneumatic devices of this type are certainly not new. Actuators are at the heart of most large moving machines, including: door openers, garbage trucks, elevator systems, construction equipment, etc. Really, any device that moves something to move something else is known as an actuator. Aren't you glad you asked? 

An actuator/launcher as large and powerful as Da-da's is rare, but an electromagnetic/hydraulic hybrid version coupled with a sophisticated satellite-based targeting system capable of launching an 1800 lb. projectile at any target is all but unheard of, if not a little bizarre.

The first protoype of Da-da's Attorney Actuation Srtike-Shunt (AASS) 3000 Hydraulic Attorney Launch System was successfully demonstrated last week before a passel of nervous U.S. Congresspersons, American Bar Association dignitaries and banking CEOs at Da-da’s Area 53 Attorney Proving Grounds, predictably located in a very secret place, just south of Secretland, USA (sandwiched between Area 52 and Area 54).

The AASS-3000 EM-hydraulic attorney actuation system automatically flash-freezes the attorney (or an entire law firm) payload to minimize post-launch break-up, inserts the attorney into a pressurized titanium locking breech, selects a target location (defaulting to the sun) and drives a massive piston into the chamber, launching legal representation at up to 100,000 feet per second/per second.

Most typical attorney-packets contain: an attorney; an Italian suit; breath mints; a smartphone; and a briefcase containing a copy of your latest bill and a few two-inch-thick contracts for boilerplagiarizing. The integral EM/hydraulic piston drive minimizes power consumption while eliminating compressors, IP converters and auxiliary pneumatic equipment. The average attorney usually converts directly to energy on impact, thus ending the effective billing cycle and making a pretty blue-white explosion that the kids just love.

"What with all the companies and human rights exploding (or imploding) around us, and since so many situations these days call for either legal representation or opretty blue-white explosions, attorneys occasionally need to be either on- or off-hand immediately," said Dr. John Morvalia, Head Oompa Loompa for AcmeVaporware, Inc. (AVW), and founder of The University of Morvalia, one of Da-da's subcontractors, pausing with his little hand on a big red LAUNCH button. "To minimize overbilling, you really only want them when you want them. That's why Da-da and AVW researchers created a system to fulfill both requirements with a level of satisfaction approaching that of $ex."

"Whereas before it took several months to get what you wanted from an attorney," Da-da announced over the PA system, "now ALL the energy of a single attorney -- or an entire law firm -- can be realized in less than a millisecond! And at a tiny fraction of the cost!" 

Dr. Morvalia then launched a test attorney (formerly with the FCC) into nearby Mount Hoobah, followed by an immense blue-white flash, a clap of thunder and frightened applause from the assembled banking CEOs and congresspersons, who were all, of course, attorneys. Dr. Morvalia later added that some attorneys were really quite useful, and vowed to keep those one or two deemed as such from being included in the tests, at least in the short-term. Da-da expects to sell and ship this boon (via the internet) this summer, and has already received advanced orders in excess of $100 billion.

Additionally, Da-da's Attorney Actuator can also insert attorneys into any business situation anywhere in the world, making them far cheaper and more destructive than more sophisticated, costly ordinance. In contrast, Hellfire missiles cost well into the $220,000 per-piece range, delivery overhead notwithstanding. But with Da-da's Actuator, attorneys can now be deployed anywhere in the world -- or the solar system for that matter -- with a great deal of ease, economy and personal satisfaction.

"Sure, attorneys are easy targets," commented General Monger, U.S. Space Force Commander of Area 54 right next door, who attended last week's test, "but we thought it better and cheaper to simply use them as ordinance. When you convert a 220 lb. attorney to pure energy -- wow. At these velocities, these suckers really pack a wallop.”

The reaction from one of the assembled banking CEOs (who wished to remain nameless) said it best: “The delight we feel has yet to reach a level of verbal conceptualization.”

Their smiles faded when General Monger informed them that it also works on bankers.

Not surprisingly, bankers yield less useable kinetic energy, but their screams made it all worth while.

That Mr. Mom Look of Parenthood

Being Mr. Mom takes a firm grip -- and a hefty body weight.

It's the "B" Family

Mr. B is chock full of B-plots.

Da-da loves "B" plots. Ok, he doesn't, but he needs a lead-in, so there. WherewasDa-da? Right. B-plot. You know, the part of a movie where minor characters have to do something minor that reveals a minor bit of the plot, but the "A" plot heroes then swoop in and reinterpret the facts and take all the glory and then smooch and drive off in the Ferarri? You can see where this is going, right? Yes. You're so smart. Da-da's life is one big "B" plot. (Ok, maybe a "D" plot, but allow Da-da this little fantasy.). Just like sleuthing out your Native American Name, it's important for family members to determine and embrace their "B" nomenclature, that is, the names that aliteratively and predictably start with the letter B. Why is Da-da bothering you with this, you ask? No idea. But this morning at Da-da's house, 6YO Nagurski (of Bronko and Nagurski fame) announced that his new name was, "BADGER." This name fit so well that Da-da assigned B names to the whole family. And no, there's no magic formula. You gotta use your own creativity, so break out the pull starter and give it a yank.

Da-da's Awesome Family "B" Nomenclatura

4YO Bronko is now, "BUMPER"
6YO Nagurski is, "BADGER"
32YO Ma-ma is, "BUN-BUN"

And of course...

89YO Da-da is, "Mr. B."

 Factually, Mr. B is one of Da-da's file cabinets (and has stopped more than his share of bullets), but Da-da doesn't think he'll mind. Much.

Mrs. B is not amused.

Happy Valentine's Day From the Big Crystal, the Space Chimp, the Big-footed Girl With the Eyepatch, Spock, and Señor Mysterioso

The assembled are forever putting Señor Mysterioso on a pedestal, perhaps because
he's the only one who glows in the dark -- even when it's not Valentine's Day. Weird, huh?

Da-da's Psychotronic Catalog of Extreme Mental and Physical States of Parental Vagabondage

Yes. Of course. Whatever you say.

Pater-Morphology/-Morbidity: In this tragic example of pater-parental volition collapse (PPVC), a Mr. Mom's mind and will have totally buckled under the stress of rabid, nose-mining frankenspawn (that is, children) who are constantly screaming, "I WANT! I WANT!" all the time, the Mr. Mom's formerly assertive, two-fisted propriocentrist parental guidance suddenly snapped into a deep neural acquiescence. Formerly the sole bastion of afflicting mothers-in-law and domineering wives, PPVC often leaves the male sufferer with only the word, "YES" in his vocabulary, as he caves to every demand. Freud and Jung, in a rare agreement, called PPVC, "The last stop on the steam line to madness." Oddly enough, psychologists and neurologists studying this malady have determined that women are too smart to let this happen to them.

Welcome to the Plagiarism Police State?

Don't worry, education will break you, Joe Parent. But it'll feel so good after it stops hurting.

While Da-da's boys are years away from this, it's inevitable that one of them will be forced to use one of the increasingly rampant, "plagiarism prevention" tools being used by so many schools today (with a 100% penetration into the Singaporean edu market, if this tells you anything). Having worked in K-12 and post-secondary education markets, Da-da has conflicted opinions about this "tool." An educator once told Da-da, "A good teacher knows when kids are plagiarizing; they don't need a computer program's word for it -- or the hefty bills associated with it." However, given how easily kids can now just cut-n-paste wikipedia articles and other content from the 'net into their papers and call it their own, there might be a need for some type of safeguard.

Meanwhile, the point appears to be moot: the Plagiarism Police are making sizeable fortunes playing on the fears (and laziness) of some academics -- and kids now, too, with moneygrubbing "lite" versions marketed directly at kids, so the already academically paranoid can "vet" their paper to get their, "originality score." Sure, it makes sense to be original and keep your money, but even original kids who do their own work are being made to feel paranoid about their papers, just so some company can make a profit. What kind of lesson is this teaching? 

Like other Orwellian Borg-o-types, the Plagiarism Police State pretends to care, telling you it's a teaching tool... but is this what it's really being used for? The fact that prices for these services (which are just web-based computer algorithms) go up in price 8% every year, even when things are bad-going-to-worse in education, worldwide, should tell you something about the mindsets of those running the companies. Perhaps if a not-for-profit arose to do the same thing, partnering with the schools instead of preying on them?

Plagiaristically speaking, it should be noted that the best schools don't hype or subscribe to the plagiarism police state (Da-a won't list them, you can uncover them for yourself). These last bastions of academic trust rely on their educators, where the onus should be in the first place. So, if you're the head of an academic department or a dean or provost, you need to ask yourself a question: Is this plagiarism prevention service really worth the money? Or should you use that moolah to pay for more teachers?

The biggest academic ship taking on water is TRUST. Da-da has worked with kids for years, and there's a special magic to giving a group of kids your trust and having them work to keep it. Sure, there are setbacks; people are inherently imperfect (no, really), but if you give them your trust first and foremost, they often far exceed expectations. YES, there will be a few who abuse said trust, but they're just hurting themselves and will feel their self-inflicted pain later on in some other way. Bottom line: children need to be NURTURED, not policed.

But don't take the word of a parent who is the future gateway to countless hundreds of thousands of dollars of future education-buying potential. Nooo, don't do that. Like governments and the Federal Reserve, corporations really do have your kid's best interest in mind. No, really. Jeez, how could they not?

Timmy meets his new first grade teacher.
"Do your work, citizen, or there will be... trouble."

That Sunday Look of Parenthood

"Da-da... get up... time for Monday ironing."

[Man, Ma-ma's testosterone treatments are working
with a vengeance. Look at that hand and arm.]

It's Friday in Parentland

Testing the Sound System for the Apocalypse?

Testing, testing... BOO!

An apocalyptic pie in the sky was flung at Da-da's a few months ago. He dodged it and gave its filling and delivery some thought. But first, let's review some sky-sound phenomena folks have recorded. Da-da's job as Da-da is to maintain the peace, so he found it damn spooky at first, then it finally hit him what it was -- and it's nearly impossible to fear what you understand. So, let's have a deeper looksee. Don't be scared. It's just a recording.

1. January 12th, 2012; Conklin, Alberta, Canada.




2. January 12, 2012, Czech Republic.




3. August 11, 2011, Kiev, Russia.




4. Then there's HAARP testing recorded by a ham operator.




5. Finally... January 12, 2012, Melbourne, Australia -- an admitted fake.



You can clearly hear "Godzilla" in this one, along with the "War Of The Worlds" death ray sound in various layers with other generic wave sounds. Again, this last one was an example of a fake, to show how the sound could be created and used over video from wherever.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

If you listen to all of the above bizarro sky sounds heard all over the world, they sound remarkably similar. In fact, they sound like the same file. While some might be fake, some seem genuine. Regardless, provided they are really being heard and recorded via the sky, they're STILL FAKES. Why? Because they're HAARP, modulating its output to play recorded sounds of terror. The sounds are terrifying and well... deliberately biblical. Horror movie-ish. Speaking as a gentleman scientist and parenting horror veteran, Da-da enjoys a good old fashioned horror movie filled with screaming, but he knows full well it's fake. Take that a step farther. Given Da-da's 20-year research into secret societies, along with his two decades-worth experience with the media, he now watches the world's events like penn and teller watch a magician: he's knows it's all fake. But how did they do it?

HAARP is basically a super-powered transmitter designed to bounce signals off the ionosphere, for a number of purposes. You can cook the atmosphere with one kinda wave, inducing weather, drop the frequency and allow it to penetrate the ground to perhaps influence subterranean structures, or tone it down and use a chunk of sky like a speaker, broadcasting spooky Sounds of the Apocalypse -- or perhaps even a biblical VOG (Voice of God) telling you to do... whatever. Be not surprised then, citizenry of the world, when the VOG sounds in your skies. Or the Trumpet of Doom. Or the Sandwich of Destiny (sandwiches make noise?) explodes. (Or, if Da-da suddenly gets control of HAARP, you'll be hearing Jelly Roll Morton.)

There could be a sound guy somewhere (and perhaps voiceover talent, as well?) who's recently been paid to do voice and soundwork for what they were told is "Fantasia 3" or "Apocalypse Tuesday" or somesuch. If this occurred, they would no doubt be well paid for their service, not that they'd know how the sounds were to be used until it happened. And then who'd believe them after the fact?

If Da-da's hypothesis is indeed true, what does all this tell us?

It tells us that someone, somewhere, wants us to be afraid. All of us. Fear controls people. We already knew that. But now someone is potentially testing a Sound System for the Apocalypse for... what? A future dumbshow coming to a Middle Eastern theater near you? Probably in advance of the main event, to sow mindless terror? If true, then HAARP just became a psychological terror weapon. However, there is a bright side: we may be on to the theater managers.

If true, the obvious denouement for this is staging the Apocalypse. But HAARP-style sound delivery is probably only good for about 100 miles of spread, so they'd have to spread it around. It would be impossible for HAARP to create an effect all over the earth at once, the earth is too big and HAARP is too small. Given the limitations, if you wanted to scare the crap outta people for whatever purpose, would you launch the dumbshow in one "theater," then take it on the road, hitting all the major metros as fast as HAARP's beam could be aimed? It's possible that there are other scale-model HAARPs in locations all over the world, ready for action as repeaters or splitters. A controlled media would fan the flames.

Of course, if the Apocalypse were indeed real, the VOG would be broadcast LIVE with a global -- nay COSMIC sound system rivaling anything George Lucas has. But God is so much more subtle than that; and He's Love, not fear, not someone's silly idea of an Old Testament carnival monster. (Old testy guys, that's maybe why The New Testament got penned -- it's new and improved!)

There's one easy way to prove Da-da's spooky HAARP hypothesis: check HAARP's power bills via FOIA for all the dates where spooky sounds were recorded/heard. If the power was spikey on on those dates, there's a potential smoking gun.

But wait, there's more. Grab a globe. Stick red pins in the following: Da-da. Ow. Now try: HAARP in Alaska's bottom right-hand corner; Kiev (they spell it "Kyiv" now); Bucharest (um, it's in Romania, geo-boy). Tie a string around HAARP and drag it across your globe. It operates LOS. Drag your line from Alaska to Bucharest, Alaska to Kiev, Alaska to Moscow. See how those three lines describe the same angle? "Marching it home," if you will. Now, what's immediately downrange of those three vectors? Apocalypse Central: JERUSALEM.

"Testing testing, APOCALYPSE APOCALYPSE, SIBILANCE SIBILANCE."

Then there's the one in Conklin, Alberta. Put in a red pin and pull your line across the globe. What's downrange on a straight line from HARRP and Conklin? Talahassee, Florida, where this was recorded:



So.


Some potential religious fanatics want to carry out some ridiculous Old Testament prophecy (Gog and Magog) by way of this newly cooked-up hoobah about Iran and Israel and everything else, but first they need to scare us to death. Alas, they're not gonna get away with it, no matter how much time they spend on these silly spooky broadcasts, real or fake, but regardless of the intent, THAT'S ALL THEY ARE. Silly spooky broadcasts. Fake videos. It's not real. If we all know this, and know that it's intentional, then no weird sky noise can cause terror. The effect is ruined. Like Da-da said, don't be scared. It's just a recording. Now we just need to bring those who are doing this out in the open so our children can finally be safe from all this crap.

That GO-TO-SLEEP Look of Parenthood

"...GOODNIGHT... MOON... BOWL FULL OF... MUSH... AUUUUUGH!!"

Da-da's Peanuts Energy Discovery

Keep cranking out that angst-energy, kid.

Charles Schultz must've sighed all the time, poor guy. But what he never could've known was that his angst could potentially produce a whole new green alternative energy source that could satisfy the energy chomping needs of the entire earth. Yup, Da-da's talking 'bout SIGH energy. (Oh, not another fake acronym... alright, howbout, "Sigh Integration Gone Hoobah" energy. Happy?)

Charlie Brown and the other Peanuts characters SIGH, on average, once every three seconds. We've already got the primary Sigh producers -- Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Linus, Lucy, Schroeder, Sally, Peppermint Patty, etc. -- now all we need (get right on that) is to create that hoobah SIGH apparatus... and then of course attach the thing to teenagers, the world's largest untapped SIGH energy source, and show them Peanuts specials over and over. Free energy for all!

Note that future SIGH Storage facilities would be fullest on and around Valentine's Day, as well as during the various proms, finals week, and of course every time homework is assigned, so that means MORE HOMEWORK, kids. (**SIGH.**) Think of the limitless teen energy being wasted -- as well as that of people stuck working in cubicles all day, and that of parents waiting for tantrums to end, and of really anyone who hates their job, which is about 98% of the earth's population. Sure, all these hominid sighs are big producers of carbon dioxide and are probably THE main cause of climate change, but good luck trying to solve that problem this side of a Soylent Green rendering plant and cracker factory. Best we can do is harness all that human angst and put it to good use, posthaste. 2012 is looking to be a SIGH paradise; Da-da knows he's certainly doing his part.

Keep cranking it out, kid.

The Good Ol' Whateveritis 3000

The boys have been busy, doing... something. Da-da doesn't wanna know.

Now Playing at Da-da's

Da-da's thinking that perhaps chocolate donuts weren't the best breakfast for four- and six-year-old boys.

So That's Why They Aren't Listening to Da-da

It's evolution in action.

Bigfoot Mystery SOLVED, Da-da Style

Time for a spa treatment.

Bigfoot is stinky. And hairy -- nay, SHAGGY. Unkempt. Nails are uncut. He's certainly not one for personal hygiene. He likes his privacy. He's a little heavy-ish and misanthropic. He leaves big footprints (um, hence the name). He's cranky and lives far from civilization. He occasionally screams and howls for no reason. Any of this sound familiar? It does to a parent of small children.

Yes. Bigfoot is simply A PARENT WHO'S GONE OFF THE DEEP END and is wearing fluffy slippers in the mud. Young children have driven a group of these poor individuals insane and they've just not showered or shaved or got a haircut or manicure in a lo-ooong long time. Kinda like Da-da, who is occasionally mistaken for bigfoot.

So. There ya go. Another Great Mystery solved. Waiter, Monkee haircuts and absinthe high colonics for all of Da-da's bigfoot friends!

Baby, you done let yourself go.