Thermostat Wars

(source img: artist Julia Jacquette)

Since the one side of "Man" got power-of-attorney over our species' nomenclatural designation, it's been the same old conflict: WHAT temperature will make both women and men happy? We all know the answer -- and the ancient reasons for the hoary custom of segregation of the sexes. Is there a solution? No. Well... no. Ok, but maybe if... no.

Awright, Da-da will try to fix the unfixable, but don't get your hopes up. Here's what we could do:

1. Crank all thermostats up 85 degrees (yes, in WINTER, Mr. Attorney). Note that this higher temperature puts tons and tons of additional carbon dioxide and heat and methane and schmutz into the atmosphere, working towards ever increasing levels of greenhouse gases and global warming to the point that civilization ends, but it's WOMEN'S COMFORT and cuddle-receptivity we're talking about, so the planet can go pound sand (um, like the last planet we ruined, and then we had to come to this one).


2. In this steamy environment, have all women wear fleece. SEXY FLEECE. In layers. About nine or ten layers. Of fleece and wool, alternatively. And big ol' faux-fur-lined boots. Now you know how men feel all the time.


3. Have all men wear the thinnest t-shirts available (preferably tie-dyed) and thin cotton boxers with little Yodas on them. Why? BECAUSE YODA IS SEXY. (Shut up. Too, he is.)


4. All women then must eat carbs. LOTS OF CARBS: BISCUITS, GRAVY, PANCAKES, RICE, BARLEY, SYRUP, PIZZA AND CHOCOLATE... all at the same time. This will boost female somatic heat indices. Meanwhile, all men must eat nothing and drink lots of water. When men are forced to either eat or die, they can have grapefruit and rainwater. This will halt metabolic activity and keep men feeble and cool, where women like them.

Voila. Problem solved. Men will naturally lose weight and be perpetually cold and easy to control and women will bake and not mind at all being a bit zaftig and in charge... which will make nearly everyone happy, overall. Nearly everyone.

Honey, that's warm enough.

Leap Day Rules: Refuting Crappy Yoda Advice

Hey! That's not what Da-da's talking about! Paws off the boob, babyface.
(Oh, and nice circuit board, babe.)

The Pirahna... er, Banana Brothers, Bronko and Nagurski, were watching, "Empire Strikes Back," the other night (for the... fifth time). Halfway through, Yoda starts Yoda-ing about something Da-da's been noodling for years -- specifically, the scene where Yoda says, "No. Try not. DO... or do not. There is no TRY." Da-da stopped the movie at this point to directly refute the alleged sage advice.

Like the song says, "Ya Gotta Try." Doing is fine, but some things you're not gonna do right away. You've got to TRY, first. Sure, one person in a thousand will get it right the first time, but the rest of us gotta try and try and try and try until you get it right and can DO without fail. The DO thing is horrible advice, especially for kids. Don't you kids realize how many times Da-da had to TRY before he could get on an escalator without falling down? It's certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

So... TRY. That's all Da-da asks. That's all anyone can ask. TRY. Sure, you're gonna fall on your face a lot, but it's the first step toward DO. Oh, and Yoda... shut up. Use the Force on THIS, lizard breath. And if you don't like this one, THERE IS ANOTHER.

A little help.

A Man Called Da-da's Holiday Tree Delivery Service for the Hot and Needy

Always stylish and Sting-like, A Man Called Da-da is GREEN, baby. Having made faux trees out of recycled Santa mustaches and green doves and bunnies, young Vlad and Da-da are off to deliver them to poor orphaned stewardesses flight attendants -- who are so lonely this time of year -- via our uber-trendy 007 Stealth Bakfiets. We are post-postmodern, yes we are. Raising this kid right, we are. Thanks, Yoda. (And note that that really isn't Da-da; the bike pic belongs to an excellent bike blogger who will no doubt tell me who he is because memory da-da is NOT. Look more like Yoda Santa, I do.)