To Your Scattered Bodies Go

Yet another successful attorney launch.

In the one hour Da-da has to himself every day, Da-da has been busy creating a new product that will change all your lives forever (yes, for the better). Da-da and approx. 153,000 formerly out-of-work oompa loompas recently unveiled a product that will definitely change the lives of the approximately 597,932,002 attorneys worldwide. Really just a very large actuator, 40,000 gallons of long-chain-molecule machine oil under tremendous pressure propels a single, huge tungsten carbide piston through an enormous 20-foot-long by 3-foot-wide cylinder, explosively evacuating the cylinder chamber -- and of course, whatever's inside. Neat, huh?

Known as an "actuator/launcher," hydraulic and pneumatic devices of this type are certainly not new. Actuators are at the heart of most large moving machines, including: door openers, garbage trucks, elevator systems, construction equipment, etc. Really, any device that moves something to move something else is known as an actuator. Aren't you glad you asked? 

An actuator/launcher as large and powerful as Da-da's is rare, but an electromagnetic/hydraulic hybrid version coupled with a sophisticated satellite-based targeting system capable of launching an 1800 lb. projectile at any target is all but unheard of, if not a little bizarre.

The first protoype of Da-da's Attorney Actuation Srtike-Shunt (AASS) 3000 Hydraulic Attorney Launch System was successfully demonstrated last week before a passel of nervous U.S. Congresspersons, American Bar Association dignitaries and banking CEOs at Da-da’s Area 53 Attorney Proving Grounds, predictably located in a very secret place, just south of Secretland, USA (sandwiched between Area 52 and Area 54).

The AASS-3000 EM-hydraulic attorney actuation system automatically flash-freezes the attorney (or an entire law firm) payload to minimize post-launch break-up, inserts the attorney into a pressurized titanium locking breech, selects a target location (defaulting to the sun) and drives a massive piston into the chamber, launching legal representation at up to 100,000 feet per second/per second.

Most typical attorney-packets contain: an attorney; an Italian suit; breath mints; a smartphone; and a briefcase containing a copy of your latest bill and a few two-inch-thick contracts for boilerplagiarizing. The integral EM/hydraulic piston drive minimizes power consumption while eliminating compressors, IP converters and auxiliary pneumatic equipment. The average attorney usually converts directly to energy on impact, thus ending the effective billing cycle and making a pretty blue-white explosion that the kids just love.

"What with all the companies and human rights exploding (or imploding) around us, and since so many situations these days call for either legal representation or opretty blue-white explosions, attorneys occasionally need to be either on- or off-hand immediately," said Dr. John Morvalia, Head Oompa Loompa for AcmeVaporware, Inc. (AVW), and founder of The University of Morvalia, one of Da-da's subcontractors, pausing with his little hand on a big red LAUNCH button. "To minimize overbilling, you really only want them when you want them. That's why Da-da and AVW researchers created a system to fulfill both requirements with a level of satisfaction approaching that of $ex."

"Whereas before it took several months to get what you wanted from an attorney," Da-da announced over the PA system, "now ALL the energy of a single attorney -- or an entire law firm -- can be realized in less than a millisecond! And at a tiny fraction of the cost!" 

Dr. Morvalia then launched a test attorney (formerly with the FCC) into nearby Mount Hoobah, followed by an immense blue-white flash, a clap of thunder and frightened applause from the assembled banking CEOs and congresspersons, who were all, of course, attorneys. Dr. Morvalia later added that some attorneys were really quite useful, and vowed to keep those one or two deemed as such from being included in the tests, at least in the short-term. Da-da expects to sell and ship this boon (via the internet) this summer, and has already received advanced orders in excess of $100 billion.

Additionally, Da-da's Attorney Actuator can also insert attorneys into any business situation anywhere in the world, making them far cheaper and more destructive than more sophisticated, costly ordinance. In contrast, Hellfire missiles cost well into the $220,000 per-piece range, delivery overhead notwithstanding. But with Da-da's Actuator, attorneys can now be deployed anywhere in the world -- or the solar system for that matter -- with a great deal of ease, economy and personal satisfaction.

"Sure, attorneys are easy targets," commented General Monger, U.S. Space Force Commander of Area 54 right next door, who attended last week's test, "but we thought it better and cheaper to simply use them as ordinance. When you convert a 220 lb. attorney to pure energy -- wow. At these velocities, these suckers really pack a wallop.”

The reaction from one of the assembled banking CEOs (who wished to remain nameless) said it best: “The delight we feel has yet to reach a level of verbal conceptualization.”

Their smiles faded when General Monger informed them that it also works on bankers.

Not surprisingly, bankers yield less useable kinetic energy, but their screams made it all worth while.