The Case of the Haunted, Revolving Egyptian Statue Mystery SOLVED

LONDON: Curse of the spinning statue! In some eerie news, a 4,000-year-old Egyptian statue has puzzled curators at Manchester museum after the relic started to mysteriously spin 180 degrees on its own.

The 10-inch tall relic, which dates back to 1800 BC, was found in a mummy's tomb and has spent 80 years at the Manchester Museum.

However, in recent weeks, curators were spooked after they kept finding the statue facing the wrong way. Experts decided to monitor the room on time-lapse video and were astonished to see it clearly show the statuette spinning 180 degrees - with nobody going near it.

The statue of a man named Neb-Senu is seen to remain still at night but slowly rotate round during the day, 'Manchester Evening News' reported.

This is an easy one.

You'll notice that the statue only moves during the day as people come and go talking of some old pharoah. It's moving in sympathetic vibration to the foot traffic in and out of the building. Give the statue what we former IT pros call, "LRF support" (Little Rubber Feet) and it will stop moving.

QED.

JFK Mystery SOLVED?

Jeez. There's no reason to be rude.

Since the next thousand years are gonna be all about truth and discovering it shining in pickle barrels and filing cabinets and at the pointy end of surly unicorns, let's start with an obvious one: THE ONE SENTENCE PARAGRAPH.

Ok, let's not.

Anyway, there are nearly an infinite number of JFK assassination conspiracy theories. Da-da is sure you have room for two more. One is the truth. One is... well, it could also be the truth. Who knows?

1. The Most Plausible Reason for the Kennedy Assassination

The first one is simple: look at Kennedy's last Executive Order, #11110 from June 4, 1963. It began the road toward placing the right to print money back in the hands of the U.S. Treasury and NOT the Federal Reserve. He was shot on November 22, 1963, about five months later. Assassinations and patsies take a little time to set up.

In the illusion, it's always about the money.

Sure, this doesn't say who did what, but it's pretty easy to put two and two together after you consider this one little fact.

2. The Most Implausible Reason for the Kennedy Assassination

JFK was tired of living. He'd done the President thing. He'd traveled the world. He'd learned about UFOs. He'd been with Marilyn. What else was there?

Yes, the JFK assassination was an elaborate suicide. This was the main reason the Secret Service/CIA agent assassins (dressed as policemen) were all reportedly crying when they shot him. And why they were all singing, "Danny Boy."

Of course, there is a rather significant mitigating factor...

Bigfoot Mystery SOLVED, Da-da Style

Time for a spa treatment.

Bigfoot is stinky. And hairy -- nay, SHAGGY. Unkempt. Nails are uncut. He's certainly not one for personal hygiene. He likes his privacy. He's a little heavy-ish and misanthropic. He leaves big footprints (um, hence the name). He's cranky and lives far from civilization. He occasionally screams and howls for no reason. Any of this sound familiar? It does to a parent of small children.

Yes. Bigfoot is simply A PARENT WHO'S GONE OFF THE DEEP END and is wearing fluffy slippers in the mud. Young children have driven a group of these poor individuals insane and they've just not showered or shaved or got a haircut or manicure in a lo-ooong long time. Kinda like Da-da, who is occasionally mistaken for bigfoot.

So. There ya go. Another Great Mystery solved. Waiter, Monkee haircuts and absinthe high colonics for all of Da-da's bigfoot friends!

Baby, you done let yourself go.