Merry Happy! It's buuuuuXmas!

Merry buuuuXMAS, everyone. As a gift to you, Da-da's launched
the e-book for The TAO of Da-da @ $0.99 till January 1st! Enjoy!


"SANTA CALLING" (Sung to, "London Calling") -- A Postmodern Carol (#2 in a Series)

Since The Clash would NEVER do a Christmas album, and since Da-da's had this tune in his head all day, a postmodern carol's been born. Yeah, same to you. This was recently released in Da-da's soon-to-be-award-winning third book, The TAO of DA-DA, which has NOTHING to do with Kubrick, or all that smoked fish. Honest.

[Sung to the tune of, "London Calling," with apologies to The Clash]
Santa calling, to the faraway towns
Now Christmas declared, the sled's comin' down
Santa calling, from the Northern world
Come out of the naughty, you boys and girls
Santa calling, now don't cry or fuss
his list is all made, in Santa we trust
Santa calling, see we ain't got no ding
'Cept for the ching of that reindeer thing
The Nice age is comin', the sack's zoomin' in
touchdown expected, the house full of kin
The getting go running, but I have no fear
'Cause Santa is coming, and I know he'll deliver
Santa calling, to the gimme-tation zone
Forget it, brother, you can go it alone
Santa calling, to the kiddies of mess
Start cleanin' up, and do more with "Yes"
Santa calling, and you better not shout
you better not cry, and you better not pout
Santa calling, see he just ain't no lie
He's the one with the twinkly eye
The Nice age is coming, the sack's zoomin' in
touchdown expected, the house full of kin
A naughty/nice error, but I have no fear
'Cause Santa is coming, and I... I know he'll deliver!
Now get this:

Santa calling, yes, he does exist, too
An' you know what da-da said? Well, some of it was true!
Santa calling, and he'll make it worthwhile
And after all this, won't you give him a smile?
Santa calling...
I never egged my nog so much so much [fading] so much so much...



How to Tell When a Meeting Isn't Going Well

...for John Kerry.

"CAROL OF THE SMOKED MEAT" (Sung to "Deck the Halls") -- A Postmodern Carol (#1 in a Series)

The TAO of Da-da
Is he pulling those sausages from his pants??

NOTE: The following is an excerpt from Da-da's recently released third book, The TAO of Da-da: Or, "Put Down That Xmas Yak and Start LIVING You Inebriated Central Banker." YES, it makes a fabulous gift, where have you BEEN??


Da-da can tell that you're all dragging this holiday season (Da-da and Santa use the same NSA monitoring system), so we KNOW what you need. Besides that. Ready? Of course you are. 

Can there be anything more inspiring than carols about smoked meat? No, there can't. So, here's a festive aperçus into what A Man Called Da-da will soon be singing in your head. All day. You're welcome.

Now, get out of bed, dress in red, put on your head and inject cheer, instead. Or something like that. And please don't rhyme. It's annoying. Anyway, put down the bong and SING, you stylish inebriated apes, SING: 

Carol of the Smoked Meat
[sung to the tune of, "Deck the Halls"]
"Deck the halls with boughs of sausage,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Tis the season filled with costage,
Fa la la la la, la la la la."

"Jump we now in bacon barrel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Troll the ancient smoked meat carol,
Fa la la la la, la la la la."

"See the blazing fool before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Strike the pork of loin some more-us.
Fa la la la la, la la la la."

"Follow me in linky pleasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
While I tell of drool-tide treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la."

"Fast away the cold beer passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail the brew, ye lads and lasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la."

"Sing smoked sausage, all together,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Heedless of the health bellwether,
Fa la la la la, la la la la."
Doesn't that feel better? Wait... did somebody OINK? Uh oh, here he comes...


It's THAT OTHER Holiday Feeling

Have a Flying Spaghetti Monster holiday yule... thing.


T-Day Warp Five

You will believe a Pilgrim hat can fly. Or at least zoom past and mess everything up.


Tao of Da-da 51: Dog and Underdog

You missed a spot.

Small Beings in the House
are not exactly expressions of A Man Called Da-da
any more than a hand is a handful.
They spring into every day, nearly unconscious
wholly perfect and free and quasi-undisciplined
and of course loud as hell.
Perfect spirit, they appear to take on a physical body
if that body can keep up
and bounce that somatic rubber ball off the walls and cats and furniture
letting circumstance be their insane riding chicken.
That's why every being in the house
spontaneously ignores A Man Called Da-da:
they can't hear him over Ma-ma's screaming.

Sure, A Man Called Da-da gives birth to all house-made beings...
in a feckless Y-chromosome kinda way;
he nourishes them, maintains them
hoses them down, puts out their fires
totes around the unwieldy Pillar of Common Sense
and looks the other way when they knock it over;
he takes them back to himself as often as he can
creating without creativity
acting without acting experience
guiding without a goddamn clue.
That's why love of A Man Called Da-da
is an impossible thing not to do:
everyone loves the underdog.

[Excerpted from Da-da's latest book of SAHD-ness, The Tao of Da-da (or "Strong Winds CAN Blow All Day, Depending on How Much Sugar's Been Ingested"). Void where prohibited.] 

That's right, kid: Da-da's all heart.


Flip That Big Pancake

If you like hearing people laugh, give them this for the holidays.


It's BIG UNDERPANTS Monday! Welcome!

Yes, it's Big Underpants Monday! That means... it's the holidays!


Tao of Da-da 21: The Terror of... THE LIST

Da-da contemplates a Halloween future -- way far off -- where everything on THE LIST has been completed.

Behold a little Halloween snippet from The Tao of Da-da, which is both radiant and horrifying. Enjoy.


A Man Called Da-da keeps his mind -- what’s left of it --
always at one with the to-do list,
or THE LIST as it's known in the trenches,
the completion of which is what gives Ma-ma radiance.
Ma-ma is all about radiance.

A Man Called Da-da sees
tacked on the Refrigerator of Destiny.
How can he not see it? It's BIG.
And how the hell can he ever be at one with it??

He can't, of course.
He can only cope with its omnipresent enormity
by not clinging to ideas.
This is easy for Da-da.
He doesn’t have any ideas.

A Man Called Da-da is dark and unfathomable
because all his neurons have been burnt
by the Ten Thousand Small Noisy Things.
But how, O HOW, can he make Ma-ma radiant?
He can do everything on THE LIST.

Since before time and space,
Da-da has had THE LIST.
It is beyond do and do not.
How does he know this is true?
He looks inside and sees Ma-ma telling him so.


[Excerpted from, The Tao of Da-da (or "Strong Winds CAN Blow All Day, Depending on How Much Sugar Has Been Ingested") Soon to win a few awards! (Buy before they raise the price.)] 


DALEK is There For You


Da-da swears, these things were just sitting next to his stand-up desk, right next to a box of Trader Joe's tissues. Who knew Daleks could be so comforting? Or Stone Angels could be so vulnerable? [sniff] A sign of the times?


It's Colonel Petrov Day! AGAIN!

He saved the world -- really.
This nice man saved your borscht from hitting the fan.

Yay, it's Colonel Petrov Day! Who is Col. Petrov, you ask? He's your basic hero. A real one.

32 years ago today, Col. Petrov was hunkered in the bunker, the lone officer in charge of the former Soviet Union's ICBM Early Warning System for a given sector. On that day, said system (rigged by the cabal, we've recently learned) suddenly alarmed and showed five American ICBMs inbound. Rather than fully commit his missiles to a retaliatory strike, Col. Petrov had a "funny feeling" (he told the WashPost back in '99) that something wasn't quite right. Needless to say, it was just a false-positive computer glitch, and Col. Petrov did NOT launch his missiles, and by failing to do so he saved the world from nuclear annihilation -- and THAT is why today is Col. Petrov Day, living proof that you don't need gigantic superhero muscles or a fancy suit to save the world, Timmy. Alas, no one can save you from Da-da's run-on-sentences.

Vodka and blintzes for everyone! Or failing that, a pumpkin blancmange. Heroes LOVE pumpkin blancmange.

Fig. B. The Pumpkin Blancmange


Tipping Sacred Cows: The New Peanuts Movie

This magic is gone, save for DVDs.

Da-da and family were in a theater not too long ago to see some kid movie Da-da has strangely forgotten. Anyway, during the previews, we were at first pleased to see that a new Charlie Brown feature was soon to be released... but grew less and less interested -- and indeed, horrified (Da-da's boys especially) -- as we watched the preview. There was something WRONG about it. It wasn't the 3-D-ish animation, it was...

It was the music.

There was no Vince Guaraldi jazz music accompanying the images we all grew up with. The Charlie Brown canon simply does not work without a tasty jazz trio accompaniment. Indeed, we --  AND EVERYONE ELSE IN THE THEATER -- were repulsed (and making repulsed noises) by the marriage of Peanuts characters and contemporary music. It was awful. Given the fluidity of "film" these days, they could easily swap sound tracks, but Da-da fears they won't.

Perhaps Da-da et al are old-school purists, but it seems to us that the Charles Schulz family has made a tactical error in allowing this (one of Da-da's friends called it, "an abomination") to exist; a mistake, hopefully, that they take steps to correct.


Charlie Brown rapping? Really? This is Rap's jump-the-shark moment. It was never music anyway.


Where is Da-da??

Questions keep rolling in. Where is Da-da? What happened to Da-da? Da-da is actually readying his third book for e-book launch, as well as that of his first novel (which he's fallen in love with all over again). AND Da-da's readying his fourth and fifth books, a non-fiction supernatural memoir and a secret project, respectively. AND he has new duties at Schrödinger's Öther Cat. AND he's a bit burned out from being burned out. Needless to say, Da-da's busy being Da-da, so this blog must suffer. But from suffering comes great work. Or perhaps more suffering. Anyway, please stay tuned. Clouds are already forming.


Halloween is Coming

Few realize that Mr. Rogers first name was Freddie.
Fewer realize he's in your closet right now, wearing your cardigan.


Time for a Math Test

That Back-to-School Look of Parenthood

Hello? These should be mass produced and delivered all over the world.
Happy back to school for all, and... start pedaling, Timmy.


Boys, Please, Always Use a Condiment

It's Sunday and, as usual, the boys are arguing very important issues of the day.

Schrödinger's Öther Cat

Da-da and company have started a new blog called...

...dedicated to anomalies, mysteries, and all manner of weirdness -- Schrödinger's other cat being the one that was WAAAY too smart to get into the scientist's box in the first place. This will be where all future mysteries and unusual events are brought to light and SOLVED. Enjoy.


Chills, Tingling, Ringing? Muscle Spasms? Clown Heads?

A serious question for all: have you had any unexplained chills, tingling, muscle spasms lately? A loud ringing/buzzing in the ears? Strange dreams? Clown visitations? All of the above? Don't worry, you're probably not sick. In fact, it's more than likely a good thing... except for the clowns.

You may or may not believe in this kinda stuff, but these are apparently symptoms of an energy upgrade. Some call it Ascension. Some call it insanity. Da-da didn't believe it at first, but we've already entered a highly energetic region of space (as of December 2012), and we're swimming in energy right now. Many can FEEL it, and they're not psychics. (Some can't feel it, but they're mostly grumpy magicians.) Sure, some of us wear pointy hats and dance around trees, but who doesn't? Check out what it's doing to a third of the stars in the Milky Way. This is apparently the beginning of an energy swell that's to increase dramatically over the next 60 days. It's unavoidable. (It's also technically coming from INSIDE you, but that's a whole other post.)

If you're experiencing tingling, etc., note that you're probably NOT dying. Or strapped to a gurney. In extreme cases, you might feel out of touch with your body, or even floatiness, as if you're floating above your body. If you suddenly develop a CLOWN HEAD -- or more than one -- seek help immediately, preferrably from circus folk.

NOTE1 (The Disclaimer): If you have multiple symptoms as above AND have sweating, cold clammy skin, shortness of breath, nausea, headaches, or pain of any kind, you probably should contact your doctor. Use common sense. Da-da is not a doctor.Da-da himself is ERUMPENT with clown heads, so do the math.

NOTE2: (The Warning): Be Warned. This energy may affect people of low-trending vibration in a negative way, as it will be putting light pressure on them, and if someone is dark-focused, this energy may make them agitated or crazy. If you see someone behaving strangely, keep away from them.

Needless to say, MEDITATION is important right now. Go to it. You can even get kids into the act... or at least get them to go to sleep. For the record, Da-da and his boys -- and many people he knows -- are feeling these kinds of affects right now. It's either that, or these kids REALLY need to get BACK TO SCHOOL ASAP, extraneous clown heads notwithstanding.

In rare cases, sometimes the elephant in the room really IS an elephant.


Jocular Pumpkin Loaf Spice Mass Day Llama Thing -- AGAIN

Today is Lughnasad, aka Lammas Day, aka Loaf Mass Day, marking the beginning of Lammastide, which is either the Gaelic Autumn harvest festival, or a special day to honor llamas. No idea if llamas were named such because they were used for harvesting crops, but these days who knows? Anyway, since it's loaf-mass day, Da-da's mass is loafing. He might make pumpkin spice muffins later though. Here's the recipe from last year, when Da-da was a lot funnier. Ah, well. Everything has its season. At least Da-da got to change the wreath on the house.

So, WHY does Da-da mention what some might see as an obsolete harvest festival? Two things:

1. The planet's weather is changing and shorter growing cycles of yore might become the norm, and...

2. It marks the beginning of BACK TO SCHOOL preparations! 

Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.

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