Da-da's Psychotronic Catalog of Extreme Mental & Physical States of Quasi-Parental Vagabondage

Photo #327a. "You don't wanna know."

Fear and Loathing on the Parenthood Express: A Back to School Special

Sums up Life -- and parenting -- nicely.

Da-da's said, on several occasions, that parenting exists somewhere between Christmas and being roasted alive. Nowhere is this brought into sharper relief than when one reads educational material, brochures and ad copy meant for parents. At a recent school open house/orientation, the literature they handed out instantly set Da-da's feet to the fire with rubrics like...

"Preparing Them For Success and Happiness"

...and...

"College Prep Begins in Kindergarten"

...and Da-da's favorite...

"Don't Let Your Child Be Left Behind."

Ah, fear. Parenting and fear. Da-da had no fear until he had children... so, it must've been in there all along? But, "preparing them for success and happiness"? At best, the above words in red are a myopic inaccuracy; at worst, a manipulative lie, designed to sell you a high-priced education via FUD (Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt). Da-da can't send his kids to insanely priced private schools, but he can give them a leg up by being there for them, and teaching them everything he knows... which isn't much, admittedly, but might make them more fun at parties. Or standing in the eye of the hurricane.

Da-da doesn't know about you, but besides preparing his kids for, "SUCCESS," he's also preparing them for those times when they're NOT successful, or happy. Because, like Dr. Suess says, it will happen quite a lot.

A neverending stream of extreme happiness and success is untenable... and maybe even a bit boring. But how would Da-da know, right? It's trite, but Life is an amazing, horrible, thrilling, tedious, boring-as-hell roller coaster that may very well fail while you're riding it. Let's go with that a moment.

Roller coasters aren't all about thrills. You usually have to first drive a ways to get to one, pay a price to get near it, drink $6 sodas and eat $12 hot dogs, then stand in line a looooong time, exercising those boredom and patience and auto-entertaining muscles. When you're finally there, strapping yourself into the seat requires a bit of courage -- and precision, so you don't fall out. Enduring those various flavors and odors of humanity around you works your forgiveness mojo. The ride itself invokes fear -- one of the two human common denominators -- as well as thrills, centripetal and centripedal forces, getting barfed on, etc. Then there's the end of the ride, the inevitable part where the cars slow and prepare to disgorge you back into the unwashed masses, a little queasy and dizzy. Up and down, round and round... and back to square one: welcome to Life! If you can prepare kids for this, you're doing well.

Thus, Da-da encourages both unstructured play vs. structured play, as one teaches reinforces creativity, the other patience and, "the social game." Might as well call it what it is. Da-da's children won't be deliriously happy, or hideously successful. Da-da hates extremes. "Happy" is such a lame, vague, overused word. Da-da hopes his children will be content. Content, patient and resilient... with a bit of non sequitur.

O the places you're gonna hurl.

Try to Pay Attention...

                                                                                                                                                                                      [via TIH]

...to situations where kids should be smiling, but aren't. Otherwise...

...kids can be scarred for life...
 



...and end up like their parents...

...or worse.

Da-da's Psychotronic Catalog of Extreme Mental and Physical States of Quasi-Parental Vagabondage

Exhibit 127. "The Substitute Teacher."

Pater-Morphology/-Morbidity: In this frightening example of Quasi-Parental Volition Cascade (QPVC), a quasi-parental subject -- in this case a substitute teacher (seen here with Bronko and Nagurski in their typical, Rousseauian state) -- will need be on their guard almost constantly. Turning one's back on highly intelligent and rabid frankenspawn (that is, children) is wholly contraindicated for all save for those extensively trained in the martial arts. However, after an assertive, two-fisted propriocentrist quasi-parental guidance session, 89% of no-neck lawn gorillas will drop their weapons and sullenly stand down... but watch your back. Freud and Jung, in a rare agreement, called QPVC, "The plateau of death." Oddly enough, psychologists and neurologists studying this all-too-common malady have determined that the future is doomed for male childcare workers over the age of 40 (slow reflexes and all that).

LISTEN to a bad old Oxbridge recording of the above

The Triumph of a Man Called Da-da is...

The Triumph of a Man Called Da-da is... looking dapper while holding a sleeping primate.

"Da-da, What Do You Do When We're in School?"

Da-da processes the unprocessable. Or is that strums the unstrummable? Bit of both.

The PTA Has Risen From the Grave

School administrators in a rare future planning meeting.

Da-da is Tired. How Tired?

This tired.

That Friday Look of Parenthood

It's Friday. You can put the roses out, now.

The PTA Has Risen From the Grave

Da-da's guessing this isn't going to go well.

What Parents Do All Day

"Blah blah blah blah bwah bnah blah bla blah blah BLAH! Are you listening to me?!"

Da-da's Boys (and Friends), Circa 2042

Chalk up another victory for that Y-chromosome!

Da-da's Psychotronic Catalog of Extreme Mental and Physical States of Parental Vagabondage

Yes. Of course. Whatever you say.

Pater-Morphology/-Morbidity: In this tragic example of pater-parental volition collapse (PPVC), a Mr. Mom's mind and will have totally buckled under the stress of rabid, nose-mining frankenspawn (that is, children) who are constantly screaming, "I WANT! I WANT!" all the time, the Mr. Mom's formerly assertive, two-fisted propriocentrist parental guidance suddenly snapped into a deep neural acquiescence. Formerly the sole bastion of afflicting mothers-in-law and domineering wives, PPVC often leaves the male sufferer with only the word, "YES" in his vocabulary, as he caves to every demand. Freud and Jung, in a rare agreement, called PPVC, "The last stop on the steam line to madness." Oddly enough, psychologists and neurologists studying this malady have determined that women are too smart to let this happen to them.

That Sunday Look of Parenthood

"Da-da... get up... time for Monday ironing."

[Man, Ma-ma's testosterone treatments are working
with a vengeance. Look at that hand and arm.]

It's Friday in Parentland

That Monday Look of Parenthood

Parenting Humor and Horror, Monday edition.

That Monday Look of Parenthood

Close the coffin lid, willya?

Da-da's Psychotronic Catalog of Extreme Mental and Physical States of Parental Vagabondage

Ex. 39. Mommy brain after-effects.

Pater-Morphology/-Morbidity: In this example of latent pater-parental neurasthenia, two mr. moms try desperately to regain the art of conversation after a mere four months of watching small children 24/7. A few more years of repeated exposure to what researchers often term, "screaming lawn gorillas" (aka, small children), accompanied by near-constant, ad nauseum single-word repetition ("STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!"), while watching "Yo Gabba Gabba" and "Wow Wow Wubbzy" over and over, even the above facial ataxia is destined to become little more than a happy memory.

Kung Fu Da-da's Deadly Redundant Parenting Moves of Deadly Redundant Parenting

The deadly quotidian, "Parenthood Reaction" technique.

Da-da's Psychotronic Catalog of Extreme Mental and Physical States of Parental Vagabondage

Ex. 26b. Parental Denial (LEVEL EIGHT) about why you did this to yourself.