The Da-da Trench Test (UPDATED)

Da-da's actually quite sweet -- provided you apes take Hill 407 this time without tantrums.

After inspecting his sleeping troops and settling in to his cold k-ration beany weenies -- AGAIN -- after a terrible day in the kid-trenches (trench beany weenies are the highlight), Da-da ruminated on what it's really like to be A Man Called Da-da, with two sub-7YO mental patients -- or being a parent, in general. What's it really like?

It's like trench warfare, that's what. But with more hugs and vomit. And a stuffed unicorn in no-man's land. Don't believe Da-da? Then take this little parenting test:

The Da-da Trench Test

1. Do you feel exhausted from little or no sleep/being up all night, your fatigue the stuff of legend?
2. Are you perpetually rumpled, dirty, unclean, unshaven, unkempt, perhaps even STINKY -- in public -- and find that you simply don't care?
3. Have you started to resemble Chewbacca? Make Wookie noises?
4. Do you often find yourself wearing the same clothes over and over, day after day?
5. Do you find yourself scarfing cold or lukewarm, greasy food while standing up/walking/running?
6. Have you found that you actually not only LIKE beany weenies, but talk about it in public? 
7. Do you occasionally find yourself screaming?
8. Do you occasionally find yourself screaming the same thing over and over? And over?
9. Do you occasionally scream or pontificate about beany weenies?
10. Has your memory... um, is the... what was the question? 

If you answered YES to many of the above questions, CONGRATULATIONS: you're a parent. Or perhaps a teenager.

If you'd like the...

DELUXE DA-DA TRENCH TEST, TRY THIS

...it's on page 185.

Whose turn is it to take out the diaper pail? (WWI Sam Raimi courtesy of Mr. and Mrs. Ramey.)

The Triumph of a Man Called Da-da is...

...keeping that Happy Face despite the unfortunate limitations of gravity.

The Triumph of a Man Called Da-da is...

...keenly anticipating this fall's back-to-school fashions. Yes, this year, UNCLE FESTER PLAID is IN.
Good thing, as Da-da's looked like this for years.

The Triumph of a Man Called Da-da is...

The Triumph of a Man Called Da-da is... looking dapper while holding a sleeping primate.

Dave's Non-existent Uterus is Not a Toy

Meanwhile, Back at Dave's Dubious Uterus...

This is Also Not Dave's Uterus

Da-da surmises that Da-da's friend Dave has REALLY been Mr. Mom too long.

This is Not Dave's Uterus

Da-da surmises that Da-da's friend, Dave, has been Mr. Mom too long.

It's Friday in Parentland

That Python (Monty) Look of Parenthood

"Children? Ahgggghg!"

That Thousand Yard Stare of Parenthood

"You're a Stay-at-home dad, Johnny. We have eight kids. Johnny? Johnny?"

That Midnight Look of Parenthood

That Sunday Night Look of Parenthood

That Carl Sagan Look of Parenthood

                                                                                                                      (image courtesy gifmovie)

That Tuesday Look of Parenthood

So many parental bunkers to dig. So little time.

That Midnight Look of Parenthood

That Family Reunion Look of Parenthood

Your Skin Regime MUST BE OVERTHROWN

Um, hello? Da-da's existing skin regime has repulsed face invaders
for well over 2000 years, bandages notwithstanding.

Da-da's pretty sure that corporations will eventually stop sending him product emails like this:

"Hope this message finds you well. As we gear up for fall and the weather transitions from hot & humid to crisp & cool, your male readers will need to transition their skin regimes as well – ensuring that they use the right products to keep their skin feeling and looking good."

Skin regimes? You mean like slathering your face with sloth grease and yak intestines every morning, noon and night? Da-da's already got that covered, Mbasa. C'mon, did Conan the Barbarian stop battling Bellil the Demon Ruler to exfoliate? (Conan meant that to be rhetorical; he's just that way.) When you're pulled half-asleep out of a parental foxhole every morning for years and years and forced to make chow and clean blast zones and clothe and feed zombies while under fire, then launch said 4 and 6YO zombie payloads on target on time every time, the last thing you're worrying about is overthrowing your goddamn skin regime. (Your skin has already worked all kinds of angles with the old regime, why rock the boat?)

Don't think Da-da merely mocks, here; he's actually quite serious about his personal grooming, as evidenced by his Googletrac Razor and the bandages and goggles he constantly wears. (Try shaving under bandages, Dracula. Now, THAT'S commitment.) However, if Corporate Skin Regime Scientists somehow develop an on-contact minty cream that increases memory and vigor and tolerance for people who ignore their children while staring at small screens all day, or a combo stun-tag-and-release neuro-tangler and grilling tool, wing 'em over to Da-da.

Btw... that "feeling and looking good" part? Please. Unless you're a celebrity or making six figures, wake up and smell the parental oxymoron. For most of us, this is Combat Parenting we're talking about. Note that, contrary to popular belief, Da-da does strive to be occasionally conscious (and failing that, at least vertical), if not overly driven by an unyielding and intractable sense of personal external hydration.

Like the Bat-ster, Da-da is a fanatic about personal external hydration.

That Twit Look of Parenthood (Python, Monty)

That Post-Prandial Look of Parenthood