Science Has Been Eating Prehistoric Donuts

Mmmmm.... yummy.

No, it's not a spectral imprint of Da-da's nasal cavity, it's what IBM researchers are calling a "subatomic snapshot of the electric charge within a molecule." Ok, Da-da hates to be a pain, but we kinda already knew what electric charge looks like via what are called, "fulgurites," which are quite literally, "frozen lightning." Check it out:

Observe the shape, Timmy. One school of thought has fulgurites created when lightning strikes sand and fuses silica into glass at around 1800° (3270°F), the high energy plasma flowing down down down (and why does it go down?), fusing sand at the plasma outskirts into glass, yielding a hollow, crenelated tube. Phew. Oddly, fulgurites often take this "churro" shape.

What does this tell you about electric charge? Well, it could have something to do with this shape, but... NEWS FLASH... scientists have fumbled the magic donut once again and missed the point entirely, as fulgurites are in actuality CHURRO FOSSILS. Yes, donuts from some long lost civilization. You can almost smell the cinnamon. Almost. And that means that electric charge is actually churro shaped, and sometimes kruller shaped. Is anyone writing this down?

 Da-da's guessing that these are better fresh, but he's buried some
in the backyard and he'll let you know in a million years. Stay tuned!

Pay It Forward: NASA and the Chicken

So many poultry panoplies, so little time.

Grandma Scotty sent his little tidbit. No idea as to original author; story's been floating around for a decade.

Anyway, seems scientists at NASA built a gun, once upon a time, specifically to launch standard four pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity, and often without asking the chickens' permission. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of aviation collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of aircraft windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo, "Defrost the chicken." (True story)

Defrosting doesn't have to be an ordeal for the chicken.

Why Canada is Lousy With UFOs

It's official: UFOs have landed en masse all over Canada -- and strangely, nowhere else on earth. Indeed, thousands of huge flying saucers and behemoth rectangular motherships have taken up residence above and around nearly all Canadian cities and in all provinces. Greeted warmly by the Canucks, the aliens have already started sharing their massive trove of alien technology with the Canadian people.

"We flew around for a good 50 years, checking out the best landing spots," said Xlonk Xlipome, alien subcommander and goodwill ambassador of the Xli, wearing a maple-leafed toque, "but Canada was the only place we liked. Canadians are just nicer than other Terrans. And funnier, jeez. In this universe, you either develop a good sense of humor or you're pretty much hosed." Citing the rampant, fear-based paranoia of most other earth cultures, Xlonk added that more earth cities might be added to the aliens' itinerary, but only if they lightened up. "I think the UK may be next," the alien added. "Besides Kids in the Hall and Slings and Arrows, we're all big fans of Monty Python."

Even more shocking than the Canadian landings themselves, their neighbors to the south have ostensibly begun to turn off FOX news and other fear-based programming, with some Americans actually leaving their homes to hug non-white strangers; some uncharacteristically smile for no reason, waving at saucers headed for Canada, while others have gone so far as to disarm themselves. Texas appears to be the only fully armed, unsmiling exception. Except for a few regional anomalies, Texans still seemed tightlipped and heavily armed -- especially given the Cowboys choking this season. Indeed, Texas seems the only state where passing UFOs are regularly shot at and cursed. "Maybe it's the fire ants," Xlonk shrugged.

Science Has Been Eating Donuts (or, "Why Your Kids Will Grow Taller in Hudson Bay")

Despite this attractive graphic, gravity is NOT pretty.

Check out this pretty image, built from data collected by the GRACE satellite mapping the earth's magnetic fields in painfully low resolution... hey, don't go to sleep, now! This has direct bearing on you. Wait for it...

Scientists are still trying to figure out what this chart really means, as well as what gravity really is (hint: look up, "universons"). You may have noticed instances of higher and lower gravity graphed above, which could be indicative of magma convection beneath the mantle, or perhaps mantle depth, or number of toys per square inch in your family room. And speaking of magma, it will NOT make you taller, but it can induce some pretty fast lap times. The pretty colors above could also be mapping geomagnetic flux density, or perhaps how many high-energy donut shops there are in any given area, which is kinda the same thing in a not-kinda-the-same-thing kinda way. You getting all this?

Note that the Earth’s gravity changes day-to-day, microsecond-to-microsecond -- and some donut shops more than others -- but the above image shows how average variability in Earth’s gravity field in 2002 compared to the yearly average of 2001. Whoa. What this REALLY means is that your kid will perhaps grow taller and get a better basketball scholarship if he or she lives in Hudson Bay. Or the ocean floor. AND keeps away from donut shops, especially those in the Marianas Trench. Mmmm, Marianas Trench donut... a specialty of The Donut Den. (Ok, it is now.)

(high energy donut image courtesy brent in nashville. awesome.) 

Ok, the REAL run-on truth is, when you're talkin' earthy locale microgravities, you're looking at an increase in somatic growth of probably just a few microns, unless it's a whole bag of donuts, and then you might reap a whole freakin' millimeter if you stand right in the vortex, but then you might get sucked in and whacked in the face with flying clocks, hourglasses, the odd barn from 1938... so, you might wanna stay in the Oldsmo-buick, like that's gonna help, but how does this gravity thing affect you as a parent? That's right. These are the forces that contribute to those kid forces that are grinding your bones to dust. Feels better now that you know, right? Is there a remedy? Yes, there is. JUMP INTO THE VORTEX. It's really just a big donut if you only consider the first two dimensions. Whatever. Da-da needs a donut.

Seems like Da-da's seen this image before...

Gravity Has Been Drinking

You are POWERLESS against GRAVITY! AHHHAHHHAHAHAHAA!

Da-da rolls all his eyes (mutants have lots of eyes) whenever "experts" talk about the universe. How can you be an expert on something you only see a teeny part of, while dangling participles? Huh? It's like when Da-da was in physics classes and instructors waxed insouciant about physical "laws." There are no physical laws, Dracula. A physical law is merely someone saying, "Hey! It happened again!" It might not happen that way next time. This in mind, would it surprise you to know that gravity, typically 9.8 m/s^2 (or 32 feet per second per second) is different everywhere you go? Yup. It changes from place to place. It even changes IN those same places, fluxing up and down and sideways, changing every picosecond where you are right now. Why? We have no idea. But look at this gravitic satellite view of the earth:

Isn't that cool? Red is higher gravity, blue is lower gravity. Of course, we're talking about a very small change in what keeps you from flying off the earth, but it's a change nonetheless. (Note that this is just a snapshot of that moment; gravity changes all the time. Be fun to see this as a live view during extreme solar activity.) So, why is gravity lower over Hudson Bay versus the Aleutian Islands? Do Aleutians grow taller than Canadians, on average? Da-da doesn't know. No one else does, either. Sure, we're talking microgravities, but no one's ever put sensors in a high gravity locale and a low gravity locale and noted the differences. Is it easier to think in lower gravity? Grow plants? Move pianos? Win at bowling? Da-da will try to locate a UFOnaut and get back to you on that.

No one ever talk about this stuff. Why? Because we don't understand gravity or the inner workings of our own planet -- or how to get politicians to jump into that volcano. (Damn.) Speaking of that, would it surprise you to know that the universe is neither expanding nor contracting... that is, until you look at it? Weird, huh? One of the ancient's biggest secrets was, "The universe is mental." Quantum theory says the same thing. The presence of thought changes everything. Luckily, there's not much of that permeating the planet earth these days.