Da-da's Psychotronic Catalog of Extreme Mental & Physical States of Quasi-Parental Vagabondage

Photo #327a. "You don't wanna know."

That Merry-Go-Round Look of Parenthood

Goes 'round and 'round and 'round and 'round and 'round and 'round...
...and if you can identify the carousel, then you really ARE a parent.

IMPOSSIBLE DA-DA CONTEST #1: Be the first to correctly identify the above carousel's location and get a free copy of Da-da's latest book, The Tao of Da-da!

Da-da's Easy 5-Step (Meditation) Sleep Method for Kids

Few realize it, but Da-da is the Sleep Master. Try this and you'll see why.

Triumph of A Man Called Da-da was at first supposed to be a parenting humor blog, but has since morphed into the metaphysical and anomalistic -- which is unavoidable when it comes to dealing with children and most government officials. In this light, here is a foolproof method of putting any child (or select adult) asleep with very little effort.

Da-da's Easy 5-Step Sleep-Method for Kids

After they've brushed their teeth and are in bed and ready for sleep, tell the child that you're going to teach them how to MEDITATE. When you speak, do so in a slow and calm, soothing voice. [Notes are in brackets.]

Step 1. Once the child is in bed, turn off the lights and tell them to get comfortable and close their eyes. Tell them to take a few deep breaths and relax.

Step 2. Tell them: "Now I want you to create a 'grounding cord' from the base of your spine [which you might have to describe] to the center of the earth. It's just a cord plugging you into the ground."

Step 3. Tell them: "Now imagine a big ball of white light all around you. [This is for their protection, but don't tell them that.] Wherever you go, this ball of light goes with you, all around you. Think of allowing only those with your greatest good inside your light bubble. Only those with your greatest good are allowed inside."

Step 4. "Now imagine a tiny, glowing white pine cone in the center of your head. [This is their pineal gland, a gateway of sorts.] Imagine a glowing cord going from that tiny pine cone to The Source, which is a big ball of very friendly light. You can't miss it."

Step 5. Tell them: "Now float... and imagine your true self, who you really are. Do this silently for five minutes." If they ask any questions, tell them to look around with their "spirit eyes" and find out. Check the time. Do not make a sound.

Five minutes later, your child is sound asleep. If your child isn't asleep, you either have a Yogi Master on your hands, or you need to add some calming layers to their bedtime routines (as well as avoiding all chocolate and sugar and ALL SCREENS two hours before bed; FYI, screens produce the same chemical in the brain that meth addicts enjoy). For the record, Da-da's oldest is classic ADHD, and he typically goes to sleep in five minutes with this technique, though Da-da sometimes has to do it twice.

When your kids are teens, have them try this meditation technique WHEN THEY'RE AWAKE, and concentrate on any number of meditation topics. Tends to calm them down. Grounding alone is worth the price of admission. This sleep technique also tends to eliminate bad dreams.

Better still, it works for adults. After you're comfortable with this meditation method and can get into it rather quickly, try asking for a spirit guide -- but be sure you set protection, as in Step 3. 

If you have a baby you're trying to get to sleep, try Da-da's Baby Pendula, but please be careful.


--
(Meditation Note: While Da-da is suggesting kids lie down for the above, one would normally sit to meditate. Indeed, one can meditate anywhere. You can even meditate while walking or hiking or even riding in an elevator. While Da-da used to meditate every time his old boss used to talk to him, he typically meditates sitting/"zazen" in a rocking chair. Note that zazen doesn't mean sitting cross-legged the way you see monks and yogis meditating: "The aim of zazen is just sitting, that is, suspending all judgmental thinking and letting words, ideas, images and thoughts pass by without getting involved in them." -wikipedia, 'zazen')

That First Few Seconds of Fatherhood...

You Will Grow a Beard...

Now available on Amazon.

Da-da's Top 11 (Mostly Legal) Tools to Help You Stay Calm With Your Difficult Child

What are the real keys to avoiding constant fights with your child? Believe it or not, it's the stuff you see below. When your child is upset, anxious or angry, keeping the following 11 things handy will save you and your child, and will invariably guarantee the release of countless doves and bunnies.
So, next time you're faced with an impossible child and your own cranial Chernobyl, try one of these
11 helpful parenting tips.

11. A Cautionary Tale

The right story can diffuse many a bad situation... and of course, warm those cockles.

10. A Hug

Never underestimate the power of a group hug.

 
9. Crocodiles

Never underestimate the power of a crocodile in a book case.

 8. A Dancing Chicken

That Mr. Mom Look of Parenthood

Mr. Moms get no respect. Must be the hat.

The Da-da is IN: Getting the Itch Out of Mosquito Bites (or, "Mosquito Bite Remedies That Don't Suck")

The best cure for mosquito bites is prevention, like Da-da's thick monster fur. But if you're lacking
in monster fur, or you've already been bitten by a monster or mosquito, use the following.

Mosquito bites are the price of summer, but there are a few counter-intuitive remedies available that take the sting away. The good news is that the below remedies are state-of-the-art AND old-fashioned, and of course, CHEAP. Best of all, neither use drugs or ointments.

1. First, there's this device:

The Therapik. The needle is only 3" long.

Yes, Da-da's kidding. It uses heat.

The Therapik heats the bite to 120/140 degrees F, neutralizing the venom. No, there's no needle. As per this site:

To relieve the pain, itching and swelling of insect bites, Therapik uses the focused application of heat to neutralize the venom. The reason the heat treatment works is that the venom of most common stinging and biting insects is thermolabile, meaning that high temperatures render it harmless.

Applied for less than a minute, Therapik concentrates heat (120° to 140°F/50° to 60°C) on a tiny target area so the heat penetrates as deeply as the venom without damaging surrounding tissue or causing pain.

Effective on the venom of bees, hornets, wasps, mosquitoes, blackflies, ants, jellyfish, fleas, ticks and even stinging nettle (not recommended on spider bites, snakebites or scorpion stings), it works best on fresh bites, but soothes even day-old ones.

It's only $14, and no, Da-da was not paid for this mention; he's not a shill, he just wants to help. This device works best carried in a backpack, and applied on fresh bites. However, there is a cheaper, equivalent home remedy that works just as well. 

Look at that spoon stand straight up. Now THAT'S Da-da coffee.
Yes, it's also a cure for mosquito bites.

2. The following is how Da-da ministers to Bronko and Nagurski, chronologically aged 7 and 9 (mentally/emotionally aged 2 and 2).

Da-da Disclaimer: Be careful, so you don't burn anyone. If you don't have any sense or nerves in your body, and/or you can't follow simple directions, best not try this yourself. In fact, you might want to just lock yourself in a box with a wombat.

Place a metal spoon in a mug of hot water or coffee -- water for coffee is about 190 degrees, so use a coffee maker or hot water spigot; you could also boil water, but be sure to let it cool a bit before using.  

Pull the spoon and blow on it a bit till it cools to around 140 degrees F, say about 10-20 seconds, depending on air temperature. (Da-da tests the spoon against his cheek for his kids, but you can use your hand, your arm, eyeball, the cat, whatever you want.) Apply the back of the heated spoon to the bite area and hold for 10-30 seconds. This magically takes the itch away and even works for old bites. This technique also works on the venom of bees, hornets, wasps, mosquitoes, blackflies, ants, jellyfish, fleas, ticks and even stinging nettle (not recommended on spider bites, snakebites or scorpion stings), but you should still seek mendical attention in any of those if you see any symptoms other tha the bite/sting. Please use common sense, which is fairly uncommon now, so we'll have to call it someone else. 

Note that this heat remedy should be done, as needed. Da-da's youngest just got severely eaten alive at a pool party and Da-da had to use the hot spoon therapy twice in six hours before the itching vanished. Again, it really helps to apply this immediately after bites/stings.
 

Note: some mosquito bites are worse than others.

A River of Kids Runs Through It

Why can't they just SHARE the Legos? The Eggos? Why don't Legos have legs? Do Eggos have legs?
Did we leave the Eggos and Legos in the Winnebago? Lego my manchego Eggo placebo...

That Mr. Mom Look of Parenthood

How Mr. Moms feel every day.

A Sign Unto You

That's the Royal We. We're sorry.

The Wrath of Mom

Uh oh. Ma-ma got the torch out. You guys better run while Da-da distracts her with smoochage...

Da-da's Psychotronic Catalog of Extreme Mental and Physical States of Quasi-Parental Vagabondage

Exhibit 127. "The Substitute Teacher."

Pater-Morphology/-Morbidity: In this frightening example of Quasi-Parental Volition Cascade (QPVC), a quasi-parental subject -- in this case a substitute teacher (seen here with Bronko and Nagurski in their typical, Rousseauian state) -- will need be on their guard almost constantly. Turning one's back on highly intelligent and rabid frankenspawn (that is, children) is wholly contraindicated for all save for those extensively trained in the martial arts. However, after an assertive, two-fisted propriocentrist quasi-parental guidance session, 89% of no-neck lawn gorillas will drop their weapons and sullenly stand down... but watch your back. Freud and Jung, in a rare agreement, called QPVC, "The plateau of death." Oddly enough, psychologists and neurologists studying this all-too-common malady have determined that the future is doomed for male childcare workers over the age of 40 (slow reflexes and all that).

LISTEN to a bad old Oxbridge recording of the above

Da-da's Most-Downloaded Pic of 2012

Yes, it's BOB the tumbleweed! Bob the tumbleweed? Bob received tens of thousands of hits from all over the world. Go figure. Bob is dry, transient, unsatisfying, leaves stickers wherever he goes (which are actually seeds for more sticker bushes) and is as fitting a monument for 2012 as you're gonna get. So long, Bob.

The One Where Da-da BLAH BLAH BLAHs

Yes, it's sad that Da-da's Sandworm Party lost the U.S. Presidential election, but in losing, the sandworm -- and its brethren, all lined up and ready to eat the world anew -- know that there was now only one choice to make. What is that choice and why is Da-da of all people writing about it? Well, it's the choice that Da-da drills into the foil-hatted little heads of his dynamite charges, Bronko and Nagurski (now aged 5 and 7), every day. EVERY DAY.

Ok, so what's the choice already?

COMPROMISE.

Choose to compromise. Da-da has four quite distinct individuals and two annoyingly individualistic cats and several recalcitrant ghosts living under his roof, and each has their own little screaming whiney demands. Luckily, Da-da has a loud voice and his hearing is shot. Once the whining stops, we can begin to COMPROMISE. Da-da's gonna write that word in CAPS because you've all forgotten it, it seems.

You can't always have things your way. Wait, let Da-da write that again...

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS HAVE THINGS YOUR WAY.

It ain't gonna happen. Why? Because that's what you signed up for when you foolishly agreed to be born on PLANET EARTH in the backwoods Omega Quadrant. So, COMPROMISE. It's what made every great country and empire and long-term business and... well, yes, even some novels... great. (It should be noted that there's a lot less COMPROMISE in movies, as COMPROMISE often kills movies, but then again, Hollywood is the last bastion of all things UNCOMPROMISING, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till CPA zombies do us part.)

Blah blah blah, right? Another Da-da sermon. Well, try it on this time. Stop yelling. Listen. Be fair. Like Da-da says every freaking day, 100 times or more:

GET ALONG WITH YOUR BROTHER.
 

COMPROMISE.
 

DO THE RIGHT THING.

Jeez, were you born in a barn or something? Cut it out. If you really love your country, PROVE IT. Don't make Da-da get out the velcro suits again, 'cause you all look funny stuck up on the wall. We all need a fresh start. SO START FRESH. Get along. Get on with it. And keep it down to a dull roar, or there's no dessert or TV for a week.

Clearly, what every country needs is a good, strong sandworm... er, parent. Sorry. Da-da was looking forward to the SPICE FLOWING, but he'll take a step back and... COMPROMISE... until no Harkonnen breathes Arrakeen air.

Let's Get This Cat Box Off the Ground: Another Open Letter to Roger Goodell, NFL Commish and Slow Learner

This is for you, Rog, from the King of Kid Advocacy.

Hi, Roger. Yeah, it's Da-da, again. You obviously didn't read Da-da's previous letter regarding all the R-rated commercials you were allowing NFL broadcasters to show at nine o'clock on a Sunday morning, starting back in 2009. Well, THEY'VE GOTTEN WORSE. At 9:58 am this past Sunday morning, Da-da was curious to see a few opening kick-offs, so he tuned in a bit early, only to have to shut off the damn TV so Da-da's 5 and 7 year old boys didn't see a woman getting raped while grinning villians blew people away with shotguns. Da-da KNOWS this is the kinda thing that goes on 24/7 at your house, Rog, but that doesn't mean the rest of us need to strap our own kids in the counseling chair before they learn to tie their shoes. Roginator, would YOU like to come to Da-da's house at one o'clock in the morning to comfort Da-da's kids when they have nightmares about your ugly hype-world of fear and violence and cruelty and greed? Da-da's guessing no. Da-da's 110% sure he doesn't want you, or any NFL broadcaster, within a hundred miles of Da-da's progeny, anyway.

So. What now?

In lieu of the non-policing we in America have in terms of commercial violence (Da-da will leave that one open for interpretation), does Da-da need to bring a class-action lawsuit against broadcasters Fox and CBS and ESPN for failing to rate R-rated commercials before they air in prime time? And maybe one against the FCC, which is supposed to, "protect the airwaves"? Perhaps you could take a step toward ameliorating legislation and civil suits by, in future, offering the following disclaimer before any R-rated commercials:

"THE FOLLOWING COMMERCIAL GLORIFIES EXTREME VIOLENCE, RAPE, MURDER, BESTIALITY AND UNRESTRAINED FLUORIDATION. VIEWERS YOUNGER THAN 90 ARE ASKED TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL OR GO OUTSIDE AND BREATHE SOME FRESH AIR OR, GOD FORBID, READ A BOOK, WHILE OF COURSE REFUSING TO EVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FOLLOWING WEAK-ASS PRODUCT THAT CAN ONLY BE SOLD THROUGH FEAR AND SALACIOUS INTRIGUE... OH WAIT, NEVER MIND, OUR TIME'S UP. SORRY. BUY THIS THING [INSERT PICTURE OF THING HELD BY SCANTILY CLAD WOMAN]."

Or, perhaps broadcasters might go back to the way things used to be, back when decency wasn't a four-letter word. Back when broadcasters had a conscience -- WAY back -- when they took the high road and agreed to show no R-rated material until AFTER 8:00 pm, reserving G-rated content for the daylight hours when little kids might be watching. What a concept.

However, if broadcasters and the NFL can only survive by pandering fear-porn at 9:00 am on a Sunday morning, then broadcasters and the NFL have officially Jumped the Shark, and television is indeed dead.

[Wait... Da-da's a telepathic link with His Rogination, has been activated... it's unpleasant and painful and kinda icky, but...] Ah, Rogerlicious is saying that that's what America IS, now: one giant R-rated commercial that you turn off the second you see it. Oh, and that it's also Jumped the Shark. [Telepathic link terminated. Phew.]

At least we still have the right to turn Fonzie's courageous shark-jumping off, just like some people who shall be nameless, have been doing with the U.S. Constitution and all our rights. And with all our money. Does Da-da need to offer any more reasons to join The Sandworm Party?

As usual, Da-da answered his own question. He knows exactly what he's gonna do: he's gonna shut it off. AGAIN. So, Rog-beast, enjoy your petty dictatorship. (Same for all you politicians and banksters out there.) Enjoy your lies, your cheating, your insanity. And go ahead, His Rogerness, CHEAT the NFL referees out of their pensions and allow the games to be officiated by blind apes and bemused llamas. Da-da isn't worried, as he knows that strong winds cannot blow all day. Da-da has begun his trek to inner peace (two steps forward, three steps back). How did Da-da do this? By turning OFF the TV. And the computer, mostly. This post helped, too. And Rogermatic, here's to knowing that even YOU -- and all those greedy politicians and banksters and Illuminati funyuns -- will one day see the light and achieve enlightenment and DO THE RIGHT THING. One day. Waaaaaaaay in the future. On the Last Day of the Universe. Here's to you. We'll all be waiting, patiently. With the remote.

In the meantime, enjoy this preview of a cat food commercial slated for 2013. Get all the kids together and let them watch it, too! Let's get this cat box off the ground!

"KITTY CAN HAS MORE GROWTH HORMONE!"

"Da-da, Does Psychic Jesus Have Video Games?"

Besides offering pizza and video games, Brother J is now apparently psychic. Right ON.

An inexplicable verbal exchange from seconds ago:

5YO Bronko: "Da-da, does Psychic Jesus have video games?"
Da-da (long pause): "What?"
5YO Bronko: "DOES Psychic Jesus have video games?!"
Da-da: "Psychic Jesus??"
5YO Bronko (getting flustered): "You KNOW. The place with the pizza!"
Da-da: "Ooooooooh. You mean the place where Vlad's having his birthday party?"
5YO Bronko: "YEEES. Psychic Jesus. Do they have video games or NOT?!"
Da-da: "Of course. All spiritual leaders offer pizza and video games in their restaurants."
5YO Bronko: "Mm."
Da-da: "And they always know your order before you order it."
5YO Bronko: "Good."

The Triumph of a Man Called Da-da is...

...keeping that Happy Face despite the unfortunate limitations of gravity.

The Triumph of a Man Called Da-da is...

...keenly anticipating this fall's back-to-school fashions. Yes, this year, UNCLE FESTER PLAID is IN.
Good thing, as Da-da's looked like this for years.

The Triumph of a Man Called Da-da is...

The Triumph of a Man Called Da-da is... looking dapper while holding a sleeping primate.