Da-da's Psychotronic Catalog of Extreme Mental & Physical States of Quasi-Parental Vagabondage

Photo #327a. "You don't wanna know."

Da-da's Final Post on the NFL, Melting Nazis and Reaching the End of the Batman-Riding-Unicorn Rainbow

A real graphic from ESPN, not doctored by Da-da.

The above image and text... is just weird, right? Da-da's seen so much weird that he kinda takes it for granted. But then there's WEIRD. (Btw, "were" as in "werewolf" means, "MAN." So, werewolf means, "MAN-WOLF" and, "WEIRD" means, "OF MAN." Fitting, right?) Anyway, the above image and the below text are directly from ESPN's site, circa 2011:

BRISTOL, CT—ESPN announced that they will replace Hank William Jr.’s theme song for Monday Night Football with a scene from the 1981 film Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark in which a large group of Nazis are liquified upon opening the Ark of the Covenant.

Williams’ song “All My Rowdy Friends” served as the broadcast's introduction for over 20 years, but was pulled following comments he made comparing President Barack Obama to Nazi leader and noted hater of Jewish people, Adolf Hitler.

“We at ESPN want to send a strong message that Monday Night Football is strictly an anti-Nazi program,” wrote Carol Stiff, Vice President of Programming, in a statement released this morning. “Mr. Williams’ comments contradicted that view, which is why we have decided to replace his introduction with something more in line with our belief that Nazis are awful, awful people, and we think a solid minute of melting German nationalist social party members accomplishes the goal of getting fans ready for football in a family friendly way.”

Mmm, liquified Nazis = Family Friendly! Not to mention WEIRD. But this makes total sense to DISNEY, ESPN's parent company. The above happened three years ago and Da-da's still scratching his head, not that he cares if Hank Williams Jr. is ever heard from again (psst, he doesn't). Jeez, it's as if ESPN had no idea who owns them. Wake up and smell the hot wax, guys.

Now, Da-da doesn't want to write about sports -- or start sentences with, "now." He no longer believes in the manufactured duality of sports spectacle with their cheeseburgers-for-the-apocalypse raison d'etre wagonload of rabid flagwaving run-on-sentence color-schemed WINNER and LOSER separation, dividing humanity into FUMBLERS and those who are not. Into those who beat their wives in private, and those who don't. This is nothing but sophomoric, outdated, third-dimensional vibratory us-vs-them raw-meat thinking -- in italics, yet.  However, the good news is that, like the cabal and the Powers That Were, it's quickly going the way of the Reagan hairdo couch.

Indeed, our sad, capitalistic world will continue to wheeze on for a little while longer, clutching its Dick Cheney-model pacemaker and sucking wind, thinking that we -- we redundant WE -- we feckless Viewers in Viewing Land, we useless eaters, are clueless and stupid and easy to control. Well, guess what: we're not, and we're waking up to that fact. In fact, we've showered, shaved, had a good rousing breakfast and have been standing on your former-controller-bonehead lawns since daybreak. Ever see the end of Frankenstein? Like our torches and pitchforks, our unicorns are glinty and pokey, our dolphins freshly waxed, and you -- The Monster -- will not win.

Everything's fine, Gotham.

What's Da-da complaining about?

Case in point: the first Monday Night Football game for 2014, NY Giants vs. the Detroit Lions. The announcers, John Gruden and Mike Tirico, formerly decent people, prior to say 2011. They were once borderline fair, if not a little overly excited about whatever made the most money, as they themselves are being paid LOTS OF MONEY to be enthusiastic and money's the only thing to be excited about -- for them -- but this has gotten much worse. Tirico was always a smiling ESPN bag man, but MAN is John Gruden drinking the kool-aid these days. It's so disappointing. So much so that Da-da has taken to calling them, "Greedin and SaTirico."

In their most recent season-opening entry, the elite MNF team started talking about the NY Giants. And then there were the Giants. And there was that team from New York... what was their name? Oh, yeah. THE GIANTS. Um, was anyone else playing? Were the Giants gonna play themselves? Sure, New York's a big market. Their team is supposed to be, "good enough" (psst, it's not, and hasn't been for a while) to generate decent ad revenue, not to mention sell tickets and TV rights and NFL jerseys and $75 parking passes and $15 beers, blah blah blah. So of course Greedin and SaTirico only talked about the Giants, their players, their challenges, all their amazing personnel, their roster, their this their that. They did this for the Detroit offensive line, a coach here and there, and that's all about Detroit. After all: it's DETROIT, a moniker that carries a whole load of media-induced baggage. But when the Giants started to suck big time (they lost the game 35-14), Greedin and SaTirico explained that the Giants were having an off night, as that that's the only way the Lions could possibly win, right? Not exactly.

Already rife with "weapons" (they're people -- "players" -- not weapons) the Lions have also retooled recently, and simply outplayed the rather lame and soulless Giants, led by the ever-vacant, three-and-out Eli Manning, despite a ton of penalties called against Detroit. A lot of those calls were interesting, as they were nitpicky, the refs looking more and more guilty at each call; they weren't making those same calls against the Giants that night, despite their actions. It was ostensibly only Detroit that was having a problem. Were the refs paid off to make it tough for Detroit? Was the fix IN with them, the announcers, with ESPN, the NFL, as New York is a big market, their fans millionaires and billionaires, with big advertising dollars and kick-backs and all manner of big city dreck oozing out of the pipe, such that they deserved to win more than lowly Detroit, a failing city which has been made to LOOK like a failing city so real estate is cheap enough to make foreign investors salivate now that gold and hard currency is so hard to come by? Who's to say? But like Da-da said, we're not stupid.

This all looked suspicious to Da-da, especially for an opening night game for both teams. Was ESPN  *that* desperate for ad revenue that they'd tip their hand so obviously? Da-da's not sure. He's only a 20+ year communications veteran who's worked both sides of the camera, and who's been watching football evolve into an embarrassingly jingoistic and venal machine of questionable worth since the '70s. What does he know? Time will tell. It's doubly sad, as Da-da used to like Greedin when he was coach of the Raiders, then Tampa Bay (which he kinda inherited from Tony Dungy). But since then, Greedin's become a big Hooters-lovin' TV phoney. However, Chucky, it's never too late to change.

As for, "Sunday Night Football," which used to be Monday Night Football... [sigh], who cares? Both those guys are so infinitely annoying that Da-da simply doesn't go there. That game is dead to Da-da, whomever's playing. Those guys are even more unwatchable, unlistenable. Such opinionated, biased dunderheads that if Da-da were present, he'd probably hit one or both of them with a rock -- and Da-da's a pacifist. It's getting to that point. Just slap them, laws be damned -- because they are. The law is over. Football is over. They've both been bought and sold -- out.

So why does Da-da watch? Well, it used to remind him of his childhood... but that nostalgia has been whittled thin, so much so that it's too easy to see the cold reality smirking within what once was a game, but has now turned, like everything else, into a moneymaking machine.

This is probably Da-da's last year of watching the NFL, as it's become too sad to watch. The fact that the NFL commissioners lied repeatedly about the severity of player head injuries for over thirty years, has soured many on them. The most recent lies are just the final nails in the coffin.

If that wasn't enough, the fact that the NFL is a 501c nonprofit entity that made a reported $9B last year -- nine billion dollars -- and paid zero federal taxes on that money... well, that's the last straw. Da-da knows that money is the American Way, but if he doesn';t watch... they don't make money.

He's starting not to watch.

How much longer will the NFL and the Powers That Were continue to think that we're all stupid? Not much longer. Da-da gives the NFL about ten more years, maybe less, before they go belly-up, as people's attentions are moving away from us-vs-them mindsets and lies to... well, us. And the truth. The truth is SO much more compelling than the lies we've been told. And now that we have that, we're finding that WE are the ones we've been waiting for.

Oh, and ESPN and MSM... those Nazis that are melting? That's you. That's what you've become. The good news is that you have good people inside you. Let us know when you get that wax out of your hair. We're a pretty forgiving lot. Just don't step on our rainbow.

Can you hear the shark-jumping? It's loud.

"My Friend Kyle"

Ok, Da-da lost count.

Da-da rarely reposts the work of others, but in this case he'll make an exception for, "National Friendship Week." Now that Da-da thinks about it, EVERY WEEK should be National -- and International -- Friendship Week. Alas, Da-da can't speak to sources, as it was emailed to him without one. If this is your work, please speak up. Without further ado...

My Friend Kyle

One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.

His name was Kyle.

It looked like he was carrying all of his books.

I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?

The End of Football?

CTE: Scarier than Halloween.

Da-da used to love football -- American football, that is, esp. college football (Da-da used to naively think college sports were, "cleaner" than their professional counterparts, but no more). NFL-wise, Da-da is a lifelong Pittsburgh Steelers fan, having admired the team's work ethic and hard-hitting reputation since the '70s. This was fine when Da-da didn't have kids. He didn't give players' injuries that much thought, any more than they did; like them, he saw injuries as, "part of the game."

But now Da-da is a da-da. This changes everything. He has two boys who've both expressed interest in contact sports. Ma-ma, a psychologist with a keen interest in neuroscience, has consistently said, "No way," while Da-da has looked the other way and made conciliatory noises. No more.

After seeing Frontline's recent documentary, "League of Denial: The NFL's Concussion Crisis," Da-da can no longer support his kids having anything to do with contact sports. Besides this, the denial and innate corporate greed demonstrated by the NFL -- a group that more and more resembles the tobacco lobby, pre-scandal -- guarantees that Da-da will never pay for another $350 NFL Sunday Ticket package, pay to see any more games, or purchase any NFL team merchandise. Da-da's also sorely disappointed with ESPN for kowtowing to the NFL's moolah stream and backing out of supporting the documentary, not to mention giving it rather short shrift in recent coverage.

Unfortunately, the most recent concussion/CTE findings also impact college football. Da-da will sorely miss these games, especially during bowl season. The pressure and injuries will no doubt be made worse by the upcoming playoff scenarios planned for next year.

Decide for yourself. Click the below link to see the documentary.

Frontline: "League of Denial: The NFL's Concussion Crisis"

It's a must-see for players, their relatives, and fans -- but especially for parents who are thinking of signing their kids up to play. Unfortunately, this documentary and the growing mounain of evidence seems to spell the end of football as we know it. Fall will never be the same. But if that's the price to pay for healthy, happy kids living a long a fruitful life, then so be it.

Is It T-Ball, or a Bezier Curve?

Is it T-ball? Or is it a Bezier Curve?
T-ball rarely displays variability in P1, but maybe it's BEZIER PLAYING T-BALL.
Aha. Another great mystery solved. Nice hit, Bez. NOW RUN TO FIRST...

Da-da's Psychotronic Catalog of Extreme Mental and Physical States of Quasi-Parental Vagabondage

Exhibit 127. "The Substitute Teacher."

Pater-Morphology/-Morbidity: In this frightening example of Quasi-Parental Volition Cascade (QPVC), a quasi-parental subject -- in this case a substitute teacher (seen here with Bronko and Nagurski in their typical, Rousseauian state) -- will need be on their guard almost constantly. Turning one's back on highly intelligent and rabid frankenspawn (that is, children) is wholly contraindicated for all save for those extensively trained in the martial arts. However, after an assertive, two-fisted propriocentrist quasi-parental guidance session, 89% of no-neck lawn gorillas will drop their weapons and sullenly stand down... but watch your back. Freud and Jung, in a rare agreement, called QPVC, "The plateau of death." Oddly enough, psychologists and neurologists studying this all-too-common malady have determined that the future is doomed for male childcare workers over the age of 40 (slow reflexes and all that).

LISTEN to a bad old Oxbridge recording of the above

The One Where Da-da Dons His Education Hat and Pushes Over the Vending Machine of War

Freedom may not be free, but it could be a lot more cost-effective.
(Psst, real freedom really is free. Shhh.)

Someone forwarded Da-da an email about how amazing the gatling gun is on an A-10 Warthog. Sure, the thing fires 4200 30 mm rounds/minute. The 30 mm rounds are huge. And each round costs $65. Yay. But that one round is worth one dinner out for Da-da's whole family at a decent restaurant WITH a bit of alcohol. Or a week's groceries for basics. For each round. However, let's look at this expenditure a different way.

4200 rounds/minute x $65 = $273,000/minute. That's just to fire the gun for one sortie, a "sortie" being one combat flight mission for one plane and pilot.

That Winter Look of Parenting

Da-da in winter... wondering why you're walking all over the house in muddy snow boots... and how nice it would be to be thousands of miles away... alone.... or to just have a warm muffin... A REALLY BIG WARM MUFFIN that Da-da could launch in your general direction for doing whatever it is you do every day without any semblance or demonstration of the Listening Arts.

Sure, Da-da wants to hit you with a muffin, but you could always eat the muffin afterward. As usual, Da-da strives for communication and practicality in an uncommunicative, impractical world.

Da-da's 13 Micro-Human Containment Tips That Might Still Work

In the days before attorneys.

Da-da's pretty sure he's been neglecting the subject -- probably because he's blocked it out -- so, by popular request, here's one last quasi-useful post on securing those precious life-moments somewhere between Christmas and being roasted alive. Yes, we're talking babies. BABIES! Yell this word in a public setting and you'll polarize whole groups of people: some people LOVE babies; some people head for the hills; some people make mewling noises and eat funyuns. They chained Da-da to something heavy (or is that Da-da?), so he's stuck in a prison camp somewhere in-between.

Since Da-da's already been twice-through the diaper-genie trenches and some of you poor hominids haven't, here are the Da-da's 13 Fortuitous Tips He Can Actually Remember Working That Contain Babies -- that is, tactics TO STOP BABIES FROM ESCAPING, if only for a little while, and that are mostly legal. Alas, like any white-hot radioactive blancmange heading straight through the earth's crust on its way to the core, NOTHING CAN CONTAIN BABIES. Nothing. Not indefinitely. Babies are little forces of nature whom YOU have foolishly let out. Nice work. Cute baby... where'd he go?

Da-da's 13 Fortuitous Baby Containment Tips That Might Still Work

Tip #13: Diapers. Diapers? Sure. You might hate 'em, but they slow that little bastard down. Ever try running while wearing a diaper? Of course you have. 

Note: diapers also slow down certain types of music.

Tip #12: The Baby Pendula. The Baby Pendula? Sure. Da-da invented it. Or was that for logs? Anyway, sleep boasts wonderful containment, and that's why it's #1, as you'll see. However, note that kids GROW when they sleep, thus giving themselves a better opportunity for later escape. It's Evolution in Action.

WHY IS THAT BEAR STILL AWAKE?! AAIEEIEEEE!

Tip #11: TV. This stops them from moving, or thinking, but only for a short time, and it's admittedly pretty sad parking your kid in front of a television or video game just so you can have a life, but every parent has done it. Having kids has nothing to do with YOU and your cravings for sleep or a nice quiet lunch, or really anything about you and your previously sexy life. No, it's all about junior. Kids are LUNCH KILLERS, nice-meal buzz-kill... well, until they're about 26, but you're still gonna pick up the check in perpetuity, even after you're dead. Da-da's been dead for years and he thinks it's fabulous.

In tonight's episode, Da-da tries to remember why he went into the garage!

Tip #10: Kid Parks. That is, any park that's got a decent play structure, is fenced, gated, in a decent neighborhood, with only ONE entrance, and parent benches that offer superior 360 degree pillbox views of all possible threats and unrealized escape routes. Even then, you can never really relax -- unless, that is, you simply don't care, in which case you should tap out and go work for stock options.

Kid-park lock-down is always a good idea.

Tip #9: Baby Corrals. A no-brainer. Da-da LOVES baby corrals. Sure they're pricey, but while they work, they offer the closest thing to peace of mind. What parent doesn't love kid-jail? Besides, it prepares them for later incarcerations and those welcoming gray cubicles of Discorporate America.

This makes Da-da so happy.

Tip #8: Tents. Tents? TENTS. Add sleeping bags and comfy blankets and heart pillows inside a little two-person tent... ZIP and ZAP... they're gone. Tents offer a weak form of containment, and may even breed phobias, but you're not really listening to anything Da-da says anyway. Tents are all about AMUSEMENT, but we're getting ahead of ourselves a little.  Safe, that is, until they wake up and destroy the tent like rabid grizzlies.

Awww.

Tip #7: Kid Gates. All kid gate manufacturers should get free dinners for life. Shouts of, "LOCK 'EM DOWN!" used to ring through Da-da's AWW-shank kid-prison... well, until someone yelled, "BABY MISSING ON TIER TWO, CELL 245!" Great.  It helps to put zen temple bells on all gates and doors, as they have a tone that's unmistakable. You hear that bell ring and it means either, "INTRUDER!" or "ESCAPE ATTEMPT!" Of course, in Da-da's house it could also mean, "GHOST!" or "ANOTHER ANGEL JUST GOT ITS WINGS!"

Here's one Da-da uses all the time. It's a bit of a deluxe model, but well worth it.

Tip #6: Misdirection. Tasks, puzzles, drawing, bright shiny things, dancing sweaty mascots... whatever works. Hey look: HAM. Misdirect that escape attempt such that they never want to escape, which of course leads us to...

That's a lot less fun than it looks.

Tip #5: Mr. Hand. Mr. Hand is... well, Da-da's hand. And it talks. Yeah, it's expensive. Like, really expensive. And it typically says funny things that Da-da himself says, but it's infinitely more handy and attractive, so the expense is justified. Sure, Mr. Hand represents that magical venn-diagram nexus of AMUSE + MENT, but that would be the illusory item #14 on this list, and 14 Things aren't as interesting as 13, so... whatever.

Yes, Da-da's hands look like that. It's an evolutionary advance. Is, too.

Tip #4: Driving Around Forever. How many gajillion barrels of crude have been burned trying to induce sleep in babies and toddlers and tax collectors? The number must be enormous, and probably explains that inexplicable 2:00 am traffic, as well as any global energy crisis that may materialize when profits are running low. This driving technique may smack of desperation, but welcome to post-apocalyptic parenting.

Driving through fire reeeeally puts kids out.

Tip #3: Duct Tape/Velcro. It's obvious. It's crass. It's even more desperate. But it's a classic. Even works on mothers-in-law. Of course, it's also a sure way to invoke Child Protective Services, but not if you do as Da-da does and use an effigy bear.

Da-da has taped a few teddy bears on the wall in his day.

Tip #2: Stick 'em With Ma-ma. With Ma-ma? WITH MA-MA! AHHAHAHHAHAHA, they're YOURS now, lady! AHHAHAHHAHAHA... where's Da-da's lithium? 

Dang, Ma-ma's sexy.

Tip #1: SLEEP (See Baby Pendula). The Sandman makes the best jailor, if only for a short time. The trick is learning how to get that kid DOWN. 7YO Nagurski, Da-da's oldest, simply will not sleep in a car, perhaps because he didn't want to miss anything, but 5YO Bronko is out in 60 seconds once the doors close. And don't forget: SLEEP BEGETS SLEEP. Though not for parents.

Gosh, the past must've been a pile of medicated giggles.

A Teeny Tiny Warning

PLEASE don't let junior play with your cellphone to entertain or distract. It's an RF device (RF = Radio Frequency) and it's pumping out 2.4 Ghz radiation right into little Gilgamesh's developing gray matter curliques. 2.4 Ghz? That's what we in the Royal Navy call, "The Water Band." You know, that band of frequency that microwaves use to excite water molecules? That microwaves use TO COOK FOOD? Trust Da-da here, you don't want a cooked baby. Cooked babies tend to live in your house forever, and it's our shared goal to get them OFF TO COLLEGE or that Pacific Whaling Trade School as soon as possible... which is, of course, the exact OPPOSITE of the above containment and thus beyond the scope of this post.

Actually, aluminum foil helps to FOCUS UFO transmissions... which explains a lot.

This Holiday, Make It THORAZINE

Yes, we may have survived the Apocalypse, but we still have to deal with FAMILY.
(Da-da uses the stun/tag/release method.)

Five Bad Reasons Why Parents Might Actually Want XXXL Progeny

Da-da used to be a fat kid, so he was wondering if perhaps some parents might actually WANT THEIR KIDS TO BE GYNORMOUSIZED. Why would someone want this terrible outcome for their child?? Check out the following un-PC reasons why some children might be overweight:

1. So parents can KEEP TRACK of kids better. 
2. So parents can KEEP UP with kids better.
3. So parents might have a fighting chance against marauding hordes of cannibals/zombies.
4. To remind parents of their favorite '80s monster, The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
5. To save money on lead weights and rope and duct tape. 

Da-da's currently plying his own hellspawn with PIZZA AND DONUTS as he writes this, so he can spend less money on lead weights and rope and duct tape, as 5YO Bronko and 7YO Nagurski currently see every store/museum/mall at a dead-run. (NOTE: Da-da doesn't think fat is funny, esp. after being the butt of so many jokes for so many years, but he did get a sense of humor out of it. AND he does wish he could somehow strap lead weights to his children to slow them down to sub-light speed.)

Remember: muscle burns fat. Marshmallow just BURNS.

Scenes From Da-da's Mind-Roasting Summer

There was a lot of this... which came in handy for roasting marshmallows -- and body hair -- on the go!
Just think of it as a month-long shave.

The flames weren't due to any great speed, but were instead because the (motor oil and) natives *inside* were indeed restless and, well, COVETOUS of whatever their brother had in their possession, the two often catching fire within Da-da's awesome Wagon Queen Family Truckster, " HONKY LIPS" edition, which is awesome. And typically on fire. And now full of kid garbage. What's the coefficient of friction of kid garbage, anyway?

Let's see... there was also one of these. Mildly deadly.

And one of these. We survived both, despite the psycho children.
Um, FYI: children are far more frightening than any mass murderer psycho.

Then more of this, before finally reaching...

This. Ah. Well... this might be overglamorizing,  esp. as we never really made it out of our driveway. Sorry, the plate in Da-da's head isn't what it used to be (it's now made by LEGO).

Family! It's What's for Dinner

Ah, the Joys of Punctuation

Oh Crap...

Da-da's fallen and he can't get up.

"Da-da, Why Do Women Make Estrogen?"

Testosterone is powerful stuff, Maurice.

7YO Nagurski: "Da-da, why do women make es-tro-gen, and not tes-tos-ter-one like men?"
Da-da: "Where did you hear about that??"
7YO Nagurski: "Ma-ma."
Da-da: "Ah."
7YO Nagurski: "So why es-trogen, and not tes-tos-terone?"
Da-da: "Because if women produced testosterone, all the men would be dead."

One Weird Trick to Stop Feeling Tired All the Time...

Having children leads to extreme tiredness, so you might wanna practice birth control.
Or simply follow the sign.

That Sunday Look of Parenthood

A little help.

Happy Hallmark Day, Mom (or, "Take THAT, Doves and Bunnies!")

Just a small root problem.

As usual, Da-da's spending Mother's Day being Da-da and dealing with Da-da things. So, while Ma-ma and the boys frolic in the woods, battling doves and bunnies on a picnicky nature adventure, Da-da's stoically awaiting the Roto-Rooter guy to de-root Da-da's clogged sewer line. Ma-ma gets all the fun, so long as her ammo holds out.

Take that, doves and bunnies! (Ma-ma's still an artist with a Thompson.)

 

It's Thursday and You Know What That Means

Time to start girding one's loins for tonight's T-ball train wreck.

That Pre-teen Look of Parenthood

Luckily for Da-da, 5YO Bronko's axe-throwing needs work.