Life, the Universe, and Everything: Da-da's Old School Manifesto [UPDATED]

Lookout. Da-da's on a kind of Lutheresque rampage -- well, in a Douglas Adams/Alvin Toffler/Da-da sorta way. (Future-boy says, "huh?")

[sound of hammering]

Out of love for the truth, the following Da-da-esque propositions will be posted here on Triumph of a Man Called Da-da, under the exigency of A Man Called Da-da, Master of Small Beings and Sacred Blankie Artifacts, Lecturer in Ordinary Singularities. Wherefore he requests that those unable to be present and debate with us, may do so by remote diaper viewing or post-prandial sortilege -- or the comments thingie below, not that it'll do any good; no one reads anything longer than 140 characters anymore.

[Updates in brackets, except for the sound of hammering above.]

In the Name of Common Sense Which is Not Common Anymore, Da-da the Parentoid Hereby Declares:

1. Da-da will read more books. Physical ones. Without batteries. [UPDATE: Da-da just bought a booklight, but he's pretty sure that doesn't count.]
2. Da-da will write more books; his third book (weird, enlightening parenting humor) is nearly done. [UPDATE: a few publishers have expressed interest. Stay tuned.]
3. Da-da will spend less time online. No, really. [UPDATE: ha!]
4. Da-da will not stare at little screens, unless his phone rings. Instead, he will stare only at BIG screens, especially if they're at a drive-in. Or CostCo. [UPDATE: Da-da only seems to be watching X-files reruns. Why is that?]
5. Da-da will stare at computer screens less, and instead...
6. He will watch more B-movies, as they're more like real life, in that they UNIFY HUMANITY AGAINST GIANT MONSTERS (among other things). The world has had enough division by giant monsters, thank you. [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
7. Da-da will reboot the metaphoric posterior of any org that violates his civil rights, or those of anyone else. Orwell's, 1984, was not an instruction manual. [UPDATE: many posteriors have been coincident in space-time with Da-da's size 14 boot.]
8. Da-da will divest himself of all things Social Networking, deleting his Twitter and Myspace and Facebook accounts. Less is more. If people don't know INSTANTLY that Da-da has a baloney sandwich in his pants, then so be it. Social Networking is such a 2009 oxymoron. [UPDATE: Da-da dumped Myspace, but for the most part has failed miserably here, as several thousand people in the world actually DO CARE if Da-da has a baloney sandwich in his pants, and who is Da-da to stand in the way of over-communication?]
9. Da-da will rely less on technology, and more on his own sense organs. No 3D glasses. No heads-up displays. No earbuds. No bullhorn. [UPDATE: Damn. Da-da got six new bullhorns and 3-D underpants for Xmas.]
10. Da-da will take walks after dinner, especially when awake. [UPDATE: Da-da's wooden leg and steel teeth are working better than anyone predicted!]
11. Da-da will care less about what time it is. What time is it, anyway? [UPDATE: Da-da is now perpetually late.]
12. Da-da will help people more, even annoying people. [UPDATE: Da-da once had the opportunity to push Bill Gates off of a 12th-story balcony, but he didn't. Does that count?]
13. Kindness will be Da-da's religion. Even if he gets hit in the head with a spinning, die-cast, "HERBIE THE LOVE BUG" with both doors open. [UPDATE: Da-da's yelling has reduced in volume a whopping 3%! Mostly because of yelling fatigue.]
14. Da-da will strive to be analog -- that is, not digital in any sense. Off-line analog is the new black. [UPDATE: Da-da's main laptop failed -- again, even with a new harddrive -- so he's been forced into the analog world. Da-da must admit: they have much better tacos.]
15. Da-da will not believe anything he reads, be it online or in print. Not even his own writing. [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
16. Da-da will no longer believe, "experts," of any kind, unless they show Da-da their data AND the sources of their funding, up front, thus...
17. Da-da will believe only what he personally experiences.[UPDATE: Da-da now only believes the experts who sleep in Da-da's bed, an admittedly small list, but a DYNAMIC one. Do cats count?]
18. Da-da will turn off his TV more -- unless, "Swing Time" is on again. Or "Network." [UPDATE: Crap. Da-da's new DVR keeps PULLING HIM BACK IN.]
19. Da-da will NOT watch NFL games, anymore, for lots of reasons.  [UPDATE: 52% success! Da-da did manage to ignore the Superbowl this year.]
20. Da-da will NEVER EVER BE THIS GUY (Da-da's wings are R A I N B O W S).
    
    [UPDATE: That IS Da-da. Damn.]
    
21. Da-da will shun corporate entities, esp. those that look like the above. [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
22. Da-da will eat more vegetables, after killing them mercilessly, o'course. [UPDATE: SUCCESS! Btw, aren't hot dogs technically vegetables?]
23. Da-da will only use high-end, over-the-ear headphones, as ear-buds look like hearing aids from 1971. [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
24. Da-da will not be a Republican or a Democrat or an Independent or a Libertarian -- or really any traditional party. There is no US and THEM, only US. Thus...
25. Da-da will only support The Sandworm Party. [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
26. Da-da will not be political, nor discuss politics, nor diss anyone for any belief whatsoever. [UPDATE: HA!] Besides kindness, Da-da's other watchword is equanimity. Sure, what John Wayne Gacy did was horrific, but has anyone looked at his early life? [UPDATE: And now his attorneys have finally located accomplices! Way to go, guys!] It's hard to hate what you understand. [UPDATE: No it's not.]
27. Da-da will NEVER see a 3D movie that was not made before 1979, with the exception of, "METAL STORM: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)." [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
28. Da-da will own less domains. [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
29. Da-da will not participate in any fad or fashion of any kind, except the wearing of tie-dye shirts (because he owes it to the hippies he maligned while a toddler), and maybe afros, Da-da looks good in afros (He's at the end of the link). [UPDATE: Da-da's fro is now GALACTIC.]
30. Da-da will buy more food from people he knows. [UPDATE: You can eat only so many green beans.]
31. If Da-da needs to buy things, he will try to do so in person. [UPDATE: Online is very much like being there!]
32. Da-da will make his own coffee: instant. [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
33. Da-da will watch, "NETWORK," more.  [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
34. Da-da will channel Lloyd Dobler more. Who's Lloyd Dobler? YOU KNOW WHO HE IS: 
    
    "Da-da won't sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career... except maybe books. And weird art. Does that count? Da-da also won't sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career. Da-da doesn't want to do that."'
    
    [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
    
    
35. Da-da will ride bikes more. Even if people laugh and point. [UPDATE: They also throw rocks.]
36. Da-da will never play video games (he hasn't since 1995), nor will his children. Video games are the biggest time-sink of all modern contrivances, and encourage people to be inhuman. (Not like B-movies, where HUMANITY BANDS TOGETHER IN 3D.) [UPDATE: SUCCESS!]
37. Da-da will not mock small children, no matter how many tantrums they've had in one 24-hour period. [UPDATE: COMPLETE FAILURE!]
38. Da-da will mirror anger with kindness. He will mirror insanity with sanity. Well, he'll try. [UPDATE: COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE!]
39. Da-da will seek out quiet. [UPDATE: COMPLETE FAILURE!]
40. Da-da will win by losing. [UPDATE: COMPLETE FAILURE!]
41. Da-da will turn off more lights and burn more candles. With unicorns on them. [UPDATE: SUCCESS!] Failing that, he will burn more unicorns (mmm, unicorn asada tacos). [UPDATE: MORE SUCCESS! UNICORN TACOS FOR EVERYONE!] And finally...
42. Da-da will make long lists of things he will and won't do -- even if he has to hit that ball 42 times. [UPDATE: COMPLETE FAILURE! YAY!]