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| It's Friday. You can put the roses out, now. |
Showing posts with label uh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label uh. Show all posts
1.6.12
20.1.12
24.11.11
Media Consolidation: The Illusion of Choice (Infographic)
This from Frugal Dad -- not Frugal Da-da. That's a different thing altogether.
Source: Frugal dad
As a dad (and blogger) I’m concerned with the integrity of the news and entertainment my family and I consume every day. Who really produces, owns and airs the shows my kids are glued to every evening and which companies select the stories I read with such loyalty each morning? I’ve always advocated for critical consumption, and what could be more important than an awareness of the sources of our families’ daily info and entertainment diets? And today, most of our media is controlled by one of six companies. Check out Frugaldad’s infographic on the state of media consolidation in the U.S.:
Source: Frugal dad
18.11.11
2012 SUX Preview, Part Deux
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| And now it's time for the sheep controlling your brain... to explode. |
Fresh from PART 1 of Da-da's 2012 TV offerings, he and his crack team of Supersecret Second- and Third-person Bolivian scientists working in Secret at a Secret TV testing facility in SecretLand USA, have hatched EVEN MORE horrific S-U-X games. Weird, huh? Again, S-U-X refers to that raw gash of Super-Ultra-Xtreme sports, but with a difference that is frightening and wondrous to behold, especially if you're a supersecret
JACKD-UP's 2012 SUPER ULTRA-X-TREME SPORTS (S-U-X) LINE-UP (Part 2)
S-U-X PSYCHOTIC TEEN Para-Wars: Two teens (former best friends) are pumped full of psychotropic drugs (how can you tell?), snagged from a mall (hence the drugs), strapped into a single parachute and thrown out of an airplane at 30,000 feet. Boring, huh? BUT, the parachute is only built to safely support a single teen, hence the "war" element of this plunging cavalcade of death. Teens are encouraged to sober up quickly and sever their opponent from themselves and the parachute by whatever means necessary while attempting to land safely. Cordless power tools and shaped-charge explosives are popular para-wars weapons. Grand prize is survival and a free t-shirt. Planned sequel: S-U-X Married Couple Breakfast War Challenge!
S-U-X Caffeinated Barber Challenge: An all-out race to see which quartet of barbers can give the most traditional straight-razor shaves in a quarter-hour after consuming 40 gallons of coffee. Volunteer shavees are encouraged to apply (esp. gallant satire bloggers). Free first aid and blemishes removed while-U-wait!
S-U-X Steeplechase: Specially bio-engineered horses (with two front-facing eyes) turn manic predator. With sharpened hooves, teeth and Mad-Max spiked harnesses, they chase jockeys mercilessly through jumps over flaming pits. Sorta like Barb Wire meets National Velvet in the Thunderdome.
S-U-X Bowling Challenge: Yes, it's like regular bowling, except now actual live people are watching it. Boredom quickly sets in (after two minutes) and advertisers pull out, leaving contestants scrambling for some kind -- ANY KIND -- of notoriety and endorsement. Some clothes come off. Some blood is spilled. First contestant to get a WEEPY EYED CLOSEUP wins... um... something. Free cans of foot deodorizer for all who watch this one!
S-U-X Ironman: OK, let's see how tough these guys and gals really are. S-U-X IRONMAN adds a "fast food" element to the pre-event warm-ups, making each contestant eat six McYucks and 12 orders of fries -- as well as a friendly cup of nuclear waste -- prior to the grueling swimming, biking and running segments. Contestants also sport leeches and are plagued by rabid, bloodthirsty bats during the distance running. Keep your limbs from falling off and you're a winner! Anyone caught foaming at the mouth or barfing is disqualified. (There goes Da-da's entry.)
S-U-X Waste-Hauling Contract Challenge: Another "reality" contest that follows four young hopefuls seeking to make in-roads into the exciting and rewarding mob-owned sanitation services industry. No "X" is required to make this one worth viewing! YOW.
S-U-X Batting Challenge: Rocks, roughly baseball-sized, come flying in at about 200 MPH. You get a helmet, a bat and a cup. Object: DON'T GET HIT. This is the first entry of what will soon be known as "Kinetic Reality" shows.
S-U-X Badminton Challenge: - Here's the second kinetic entry. The shuttlecock is loaded with explosive and rock salt. Minimal clothing worn. If it contacts the ground, BOOM. Volleyball variant.
S-U-X Dating Challenge: Male "reality show" contestants are dropped into the downtown area of a small midwestern city with no money, no I.D., smelly rumpled clothes and temporary oral implants that make coherent speech difficult. Tiny cameras are mounted to their heads, facing forward. The first man to go on a formal date and get laid wins 10 million dollars. Prostitution is allowed as a way to earn money, but does not qualify as a "win" for the purposes of the competition. The woman must be employed and earning at
least $90,000 a year. Wind up getting married and you forfeit the 10 million.
And you thought TV was dead. You were right!
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| That's right, there's still MORE TO COME! You like lava, right? |
11.11.11
2012 SUX Preview: Get Ready to Get... JACKD-UP!
Just when you thought apocalyptic mathematical weirdness was waning (yeah right, 11/11/11), here comes a whole new crop of living-dead reality TV shows for 2012 -- courtesy of Da-da, yea -- coming soon from, "JACKD-UP TV" (FOX). Yes, it turns out that Da-da was tasked with writing new-and-exciting programming, showcasing a new crop of "real-world" sports fun and mayhem, in what the producers call, "Super Ultra-Xtreme Sports" (or S-U-X). Uh huh. Anyway, Da-da secured permission to share with you a few exciting sneak previews detailing what those rabid film crews and speedball producers will be doing in that township, cable affiliate or local hospital near you:
JACKD-UP's 2012 SUPER ULTRA-XTREME SPORTS (S-U-X) LINE-UP (Part 1)
S-U-X Hunting Challenge: In this visceral shocker, cocky male and female contestants travel to the hinterland regions of Canada, where they're separated from their clothes (oh, yeah), forced to rub tuna all over their naked flesh (oh-oh yeah), and tossed out onto the dwindling arctic icepack to combat a dozen bio-engineered 20-foot-tall polar bears who've been force-fed nothing but Climategate propaganda and not much else. The contestants of course do get a weapon: a four-inch-long paring knife. Tentative title: Red Ice. (This is really the only kind of hunting Da-da condones; if you can kill a 20-foot-tall polar bear, naked, with a 4" long paring knife, YOU DESERVE IT.)
S-U-X Sailing Challenge: Called, "America's Cup-O-Blood," boat skippers are intentionally blinded in one eye (arrr) and given a parrot before weighing anchor on their state-of-the-art sailing vessels -- in much the same manner as their bloodthirsty, scotch-drinking America's Cup counterparts -- though each 80-foot sail boat bristles with 48 cannon (16 port and starboard, and four each fore and aft), with a variety of shot (grape, chain and whopper), scads of black powder charges and barrels o'rum. The addition of armed boarding parties, smoking beards, shark-chumming and intentional ramming promises to make this a most popular event. "Ramming speed!" (Taco Bell has already begun shooting promos for parrot chalupas.)
S-U-X Extreme Baseball Challenge: Titled, "Take Me Out of the Ballgame," all the folks in the stands are handed .22 caliber rifles and one bullet as they enter the park. They are then encouraged to eliminate anyone for slow play, lack of performance, or overpriced whining. A similar system is currently being installed in Florida and U.S.Supreme Courts.
S-U-X Football Challenge: This is simply regular football, though with all the doctors, pain meds, jacuzzis, icing, trainers, girls and huge salaries removed. All games take place in the dead of winter above the arctic circle. Snow Game On!
S-U-X Extreme Skins Game: In what promises to be a very entertaining golf series, this first entry begins in San Quentin Maximum Security Correctional Facility. Golfers must play through the prison (while wearing purple sequined speedos) with no supervision other than the camera crews (safe in titanium-alloy cages). Be careful picking up your ball -- let alone taking a drop in the shower, Tiger!
S-U-X Extreme Living: TEXAS is the first locale of this interesting feature. Contestants must live in Dubyaland -- Midland, TX -- in a fire-ant infested trailer park, while all their relatives are simultaneously released from prison/mental institutions to console the contestants after all their bank stock is found to be worthless. Tequila, Cheetohs, bibles, shotguns and machetes will be issued to all entrants. Viewers will be especially interested in Howey Long as, "The Mother-in-Law."
S-U-X Extreme Travel Series: Da-da's favorite show, called, "Drunks Across the Desert," is the jewel in the crown of the S-U-X series. Two teams of five guys each are dropped in the middle of the Utah Desert, in August, with twin 1963 Ford Falcon convertibles and cases of Jack Daniels. Teams must consume all the booze as quickly as possible and somehow make their way on a pre-plotted course to a far-off destination without being arrested. Anyone who dies during the journey must be strapped to the hood of the car. The winners... well, win.
That's it. Jeez, that's enough... enough, that is, until... Part 2. [maniacal laughter UP]
[Read 2012 SUX Preview PART DEUX.]
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| Lies. |
10.11.11
1.11.11
And NOW, the Real Horror...
...that's right, Steve, only three weeks till Thanksgiving and Big Ol' Underpants. Oh, and happy 11-1-11, everyone. If this makes anyone feel any better, you do get to look forward to at least two true tales of Da-da's Thanksgiving yesteryear mayhem; tales from this year would put you in a coma, so Vintage Da-da's on the way! (And if Da-da's parents don't come up with that hush money, you'll be seeing real shots from Da-da's horror past. Boo.)
31.10.11
27.10.11
ATTACK OF THE SONS OF... The Hirsute Horror of Justin Bieber
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| Behold the horror of All the Pretty Biebers (someone's been busy). You think "Chipmonk Christmas" is bad... (OK, this is the last one of these Cousin Bieber-IT things, Da-da promises. Just another one-hit wonder.) |
The Hirsute Horror of Justin Bieber IN MOTION
Fresh from Cousin Bieber's recent caddie adventure (what, you didn't know?), the one-boy hairbearbunch took to piloting his vintage single-speed Schwinn at well over 3 mph, dodging gardeners and paparazzi and amateur taxidermists all the while. O the hirsutian humanity.
The Hirsute Horror of Justin Bieber
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| AIIIIEIEIE! |
This just in. Da-da's apologies to you
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| Poor Cousin Bieber. Then again, he'll always have a job in movies. |
Even worse, hirsutism is HORRIBLY CONTAGIOUS, so anyone he's ever touched will look like this in minutes:
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| Cousin-Bieberitis isn't pretty. |
Da-da Taunted By Nuns
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| "We're not ha-aaving children! We're not ha-aaving children! Bree-der, NYA NYA!" |
Yup. It's almost Halloween.
26.10.11
21.10.11
19.10.11
Forget It Jake, It's Zombietown
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| AIIEIIEE! Get your shoes on it's time for school! And don't forget your BRRRAIN... |
18.10.11
17.10.11
15.10.11
That Jurassic Parenting Echo
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| Stingray show-off. |
Da-da's sad. In the "old days," whenever that was, parents would say, "go play outside," and kids would do just that. You could, back then. No one wondered if it was safe, you just did it. Young Master Da-da himself spent endless hours wandering here and there on his bike, embedded in myriad adventures (and never convicted). Da-da will now tell you about every single one of them...
Ok, he won't, you're probably sleepy enough. What he will tell you about is the apparent loss of this near-historic childhood right/rite. Today, "go play outside," is an obsolete phrase for many parents who live near the horrors of civilization, as things have simply become too fast and dangerous, or at least we think they are (Da-da sure does). In Da-da's case, it really is dangerous where he lives, as idiots on one end of his street barrel down our road at high speed (despite the 25 mph speed limit), texting while squashing animals left and right, along with the odd toddler (though that was because the grandparent who was watching the tot said, "Go play outside"). Besides the internecine traffic, there are all kinds of degenerates who prey on children (like Chuck E Cheese), as well as a plethora of screen-absorbed drivers and bicyclists ignoring screen-absorbed people in crosswalks. This contributes to the sad reality of today's Totally Structured Child, where everything in their day is planned, dawn to dusk, ontological reality streamlined for the parents' convenience, as well as for safety's sake.
Da-da spent every school year and summer from age six on, completely autonomous, key to the house, roving here and there, completely unstructured (jeez, and look what happened to him). Today, a six year old tooling around 10 miles from home will get the parents arrested for child endangerment -- or scarier, your child on a milk carton. Sure, when Da-da was a kid, he was admittedly easy to track... unless he got all the mowing done. Anyway, Da-da misses those days, for himself and his own kids, when the world seemed safer and saner and cheaper and easier to mow.
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| Note: don't fly over the handlebars at speed. |
14.10.11
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