2012 SUX Preview, Part Deux

And now it's time for the sheep controlling your brain... to explode.

Fresh from PART 1 of Da-da's 2012 TV offerings, he and his crack team of Supersecret Second- and Third-person Bolivian scientists working in Secret at a Secret TV testing facility in SecretLand USA, have hatched EVEN MORE horrific S-U-X games. Weird, huh? Again, S-U-X refers to that raw gash of Super-Ultra-Xtreme sports, but with a difference that is frightening and wondrous to behold, especially if you're a supersecret overpaid Bolivian scientist. Anyway, here's another list of future JACKD-UP TV (FOX) shows coming in 2012 to a village, hamlet or local correctional facility near YOU:

JACKD-UP's 2012 SUPER ULTRA-X-TREME SPORTS (S-U-X) LINE-UP (Part 2)

S-U-X PSYCHOTIC TEEN Para-Wars: Two teens (former best friends) are pumped full of psychotropic drugs (how can you tell?), snagged from a mall (hence the drugs), strapped into a single parachute and thrown out of an airplane at 30,000 feet. Boring, huh? BUT, the parachute is only built to safely support a single teen, hence the "war" element of this plunging cavalcade of death. Teens are encouraged to sober up quickly and sever their opponent from themselves and the parachute by whatever means necessary while attempting to land safely. Cordless power tools and shaped-charge explosives are popular para-wars weapons. Grand prize is survival and a free t-shirt. Planned sequel: S-U-X Married Couple Breakfast War Challenge!

S-U-X Caffeinated Barber Challenge: An all-out race to see which quartet of barbers can give the most traditional straight-razor shaves in a quarter-hour after consuming 40 gallons of coffee. Volunteer shavees are encouraged to apply (esp. gallant satire bloggers). Free first aid and blemishes removed while-U-wait!

S-U-X Steeplechase: Specially bio-engineered horses (with two front-facing eyes) turn manic predator. With sharpened hooves, teeth and Mad-Max spiked harnesses, they chase jockeys mercilessly through jumps over flaming pits. Sorta like Barb Wire meets National Velvet in the Thunderdome.

S-U-X Bowling Challenge: Yes, it's like regular bowling, except now actual live people are watching it. Boredom quickly sets in (after two minutes) and advertisers pull out, leaving contestants scrambling for some kind -- ANY KIND -- of notoriety and endorsement. Some clothes come off. Some blood is spilled. First contestant to get a WEEPY EYED CLOSEUP wins... um... something. Free cans of foot deodorizer for all who watch this one!

S-U-X Ironman: OK, let's see how tough these guys and gals really are. S-U-X IRONMAN adds a "fast food" element to the pre-event warm-ups, making each contestant eat six McYucks and 12 orders of fries -- as well as a friendly cup of nuclear waste -- prior to the grueling swimming, biking and running segments. Contestants also sport leeches and are plagued by rabid, bloodthirsty bats during the distance running. Keep your limbs from falling off and you're a winner! Anyone caught foaming at the mouth or barfing is disqualified. (There goes Da-da's entry.)

S-U-X Waste-Hauling Contract Challenge: Another "reality" contest that follows four young hopefuls seeking to make in-roads into the exciting and rewarding mob-owned sanitation services industry. No "X" is required to make this one worth viewing! YOW.

S-U-X Batting Challenge: Rocks, roughly baseball-sized, come flying in at about 200 MPH. You get a helmet, a bat and a cup. Object: DON'T GET HIT. This is the first entry of what will soon be known as "Kinetic Reality" shows.

S-U-X Badminton Challenge: - Here's the second kinetic entry. The shuttlecock is loaded with explosive and rock salt. Minimal clothing worn. If it contacts the ground, BOOM. Volleyball variant.

S-U-X Dating Challenge: Male "reality show" contestants are dropped into the downtown area of a small midwestern city with no money, no I.D., smelly rumpled clothes and temporary oral implants that make coherent speech difficult. Tiny cameras are mounted to their heads, facing forward. The first man to go on a formal date and get laid wins 10 million dollars. Prostitution is allowed as a way to earn money, but does not qualify as a "win" for the purposes of the competition. The woman must be employed and earning at
least $90,000 a year. Wind up getting married and you forfeit the 10 million.

And you thought TV was dead. You were right!

That's right, there's still MORE TO COME! You like lava, right?