That Unsportsmanlike Look of Education

Education's jumped the shark. Time for a new educational paradigm.

2012 SUX Preview, Part Deux

And now it's time for the sheep controlling your brain... to explode.

Fresh from PART 1 of Da-da's 2012 TV offerings, he and his crack team of Supersecret Second- and Third-person Bolivian scientists working in Secret at a Secret TV testing facility in SecretLand USA, have hatched EVEN MORE horrific S-U-X games. Weird, huh? Again, S-U-X refers to that raw gash of Super-Ultra-Xtreme sports, but with a difference that is frightening and wondrous to behold, especially if you're a supersecret overpaid Bolivian scientist. Anyway, here's another list of future JACKD-UP TV (FOX) shows coming in 2012 to a village, hamlet or local correctional facility near YOU:

JACKD-UP's 2012 SUPER ULTRA-X-TREME SPORTS (S-U-X) LINE-UP (Part 2)

S-U-X PSYCHOTIC TEEN Para-Wars: Two teens (former best friends) are pumped full of psychotropic drugs (how can you tell?), snagged from a mall (hence the drugs), strapped into a single parachute and thrown out of an airplane at 30,000 feet. Boring, huh? BUT, the parachute is only built to safely support a single teen, hence the "war" element of this plunging cavalcade of death. Teens are encouraged to sober up quickly and sever their opponent from themselves and the parachute by whatever means necessary while attempting to land safely. Cordless power tools and shaped-charge explosives are popular para-wars weapons. Grand prize is survival and a free t-shirt. Planned sequel: S-U-X Married Couple Breakfast War Challenge!

S-U-X Caffeinated Barber Challenge: An all-out race to see which quartet of barbers can give the most traditional straight-razor shaves in a quarter-hour after consuming 40 gallons of coffee. Volunteer shavees are encouraged to apply (esp. gallant satire bloggers). Free first aid and blemishes removed while-U-wait!

S-U-X Steeplechase: Specially bio-engineered horses (with two front-facing eyes) turn manic predator. With sharpened hooves, teeth and Mad-Max spiked harnesses, they chase jockeys mercilessly through jumps over flaming pits. Sorta like Barb Wire meets National Velvet in the Thunderdome.

S-U-X Bowling Challenge: Yes, it's like regular bowling, except now actual live people are watching it. Boredom quickly sets in (after two minutes) and advertisers pull out, leaving contestants scrambling for some kind -- ANY KIND -- of notoriety and endorsement. Some clothes come off. Some blood is spilled. First contestant to get a WEEPY EYED CLOSEUP wins... um... something. Free cans of foot deodorizer for all who watch this one!

S-U-X Ironman: OK, let's see how tough these guys and gals really are. S-U-X IRONMAN adds a "fast food" element to the pre-event warm-ups, making each contestant eat six McYucks and 12 orders of fries -- as well as a friendly cup of nuclear waste -- prior to the grueling swimming, biking and running segments. Contestants also sport leeches and are plagued by rabid, bloodthirsty bats during the distance running. Keep your limbs from falling off and you're a winner! Anyone caught foaming at the mouth or barfing is disqualified. (There goes Da-da's entry.)

S-U-X Waste-Hauling Contract Challenge: Another "reality" contest that follows four young hopefuls seeking to make in-roads into the exciting and rewarding mob-owned sanitation services industry. No "X" is required to make this one worth viewing! YOW.

S-U-X Batting Challenge: Rocks, roughly baseball-sized, come flying in at about 200 MPH. You get a helmet, a bat and a cup. Object: DON'T GET HIT. This is the first entry of what will soon be known as "Kinetic Reality" shows.

S-U-X Badminton Challenge: - Here's the second kinetic entry. The shuttlecock is loaded with explosive and rock salt. Minimal clothing worn. If it contacts the ground, BOOM. Volleyball variant.

S-U-X Dating Challenge: Male "reality show" contestants are dropped into the downtown area of a small midwestern city with no money, no I.D., smelly rumpled clothes and temporary oral implants that make coherent speech difficult. Tiny cameras are mounted to their heads, facing forward. The first man to go on a formal date and get laid wins 10 million dollars. Prostitution is allowed as a way to earn money, but does not qualify as a "win" for the purposes of the competition. The woman must be employed and earning at
least $90,000 a year. Wind up getting married and you forfeit the 10 million.

And you thought TV was dead. You were right!

That's right, there's still MORE TO COME! You like lava, right?

2012 SUX Preview: Get Ready to Get... JACKD-UP!

Just when you thought apocalyptic mathematical weirdness was waning (yeah right, 11/11/11), here comes a whole new crop of living-dead reality TV shows for 2012 -- courtesy of Da-da, yea -- coming soon from, "JACKD-UP TV" (FOX). Yes, it turns out that Da-da was tasked with writing new-and-exciting programming, showcasing a new crop of "real-world" sports fun and mayhem, in what the producers call, "Super Ultra-Xtreme Sports" (or S-U-X). Uh huh. Anyway, Da-da secured permission to share with you a few exciting sneak previews detailing what those rabid film crews and speedball producers will be doing in that township, cable affiliate or local hospital near you:

JACKD-UP's 2012 SUPER ULTRA-XTREME SPORTS (S-U-X) LINE-UP (Part 1)

S-U-X Hunting Challenge: In this visceral shocker, cocky male and female contestants travel to the hinterland regions of Canada, where they're separated from their clothes (oh, yeah), forced to rub tuna all over their naked flesh (oh-oh yeah), and tossed out onto the dwindling arctic icepack to combat a dozen bio-engineered 20-foot-tall polar bears who've been force-fed nothing but Climategate propaganda and not much else. The contestants of course do get a weapon: a four-inch-long paring knife. Tentative title: Red Ice. (This is really the only kind of hunting Da-da condones; if you can kill a 20-foot-tall polar bear, naked, with a 4" long paring knife, YOU DESERVE IT.)

S-U-X Sailing Challenge: Called, "America's Cup-O-Blood," boat skippers are intentionally blinded in one eye (arrr) and given a parrot before weighing anchor on their state-of-the-art sailing vessels -- in much the same manner as their bloodthirsty, scotch-drinking America's Cup counterparts -- though each 80-foot sail boat bristles with 48 cannon (16 port and starboard, and four each fore and aft), with a variety of shot (grape, chain and whopper), scads of black powder charges and barrels o'rum. The addition of armed boarding parties, smoking beards, shark-chumming and intentional ramming promises to make this a most popular event. "Ramming speed!" (Taco Bell has already begun shooting promos for parrot chalupas.)

S-U-X Extreme Baseball Challenge: Titled, "Take Me Out of the Ballgame," all the folks in the stands are handed .22 caliber rifles and one bullet as they enter the park. They are then encouraged to eliminate anyone for slow play, lack of performance, or overpriced whining. A similar system is currently being installed in Florida and U.S.Supreme Courts.

S-U-X Football Challenge: This is simply regular football, though with all the doctors, pain meds, jacuzzis, icing, trainers, girls and huge salaries removed. All games take place in the dead of winter above the arctic circle. Snow Game On!

S-U-X Extreme Skins Game: In what promises to be a very entertaining golf series, this first entry begins in San Quentin Maximum Security Correctional Facility. Golfers must play through the prison (while wearing purple sequined speedos) with no supervision other than the camera crews (safe in titanium-alloy cages). Be careful picking up your ball -- let alone taking a drop in the shower, Tiger!

S-U-X Extreme Living: TEXAS is the first locale of this interesting feature. Contestants must live in Dubyaland -- Midland, TX -- in a fire-ant infested trailer park, while all their relatives are simultaneously released from prison/mental institutions to console the contestants after all their bank stock is found to be worthless. Tequila, Cheetohs, bibles, shotguns and machetes will be issued to all entrants. Viewers will be especially interested in Howey Long as, "The Mother-in-Law."

S-U-X Extreme Travel Series: Da-da's favorite show, called, "Drunks Across the Desert," is the jewel in the crown of the S-U-X series. Two teams of five guys each are dropped in the middle of the Utah Desert, in August, with twin 1963 Ford Falcon convertibles and cases of Jack Daniels. Teams must consume all the booze as quickly as possible and somehow make their way on a pre-plotted course to a far-off destination without being arrested. Anyone who dies during the journey must be strapped to the hood of the car. The winners... well, win.

That's it. Jeez, that's enough... enough, that is, until... Part 2. [maniacal laughter UP]

[Read 2012 SUX Preview PART DEUX.]

Lies.

Which is America's Game?

Note that this pic is not meant to be a dead giveaway, and that the fielders are not yet asleep.

Ok, some of you might not care, but it's allllmost baseball season. In the few moments of non-kid-screaming bliss Da-da experienced yesterday while rigging an irrigation system, Da-da was thinking about why he occasionally pines for baseball's fjords. Why does Da-da find baseball so safe and relaxing? (Maybe Da-da just needs a nap.) And why does he have quite the opposite reaction to NFL games, now? And which deserves to own the distinction of being, "America's Game," anyway -- baseball or football? Jerry Jones will tell you one thing, but who listens to him (besides those on the payroll)?

NFL PR flacks have tried to usurp Major League Baseball's claim to the title for years -- and indeed, they were close to doing so up until about 2007. But the NFL's and broadcasters' greed has cemented this trophy into the hands of MLB. Why? Horrible R-rated commercials, too many commercials, stupid rule changes and fines for basically playing the game, too many commercials, boorish commentators (with egos bigger than third-world countries), too many commercials -- and then there are too many commercials. All this makes it impossible for Da-da to watch the games (and makes them an unjustifiable, gouging expenditure, are you reading this DirecTV/NFL Sunday Ticket?), because... who else is watching these games? Any guesses?

That's right, Roger: it's Da-da's 3 and 5YO boys who are also watching -- or rather, were. The NFL, ESPN, FOX, ABC and NBC have made games unwatchable, with FOX the worst transgressor; their commercial level of bloodlust achieved new lows for 2010. (Rupert, you might consider abandoning football for something more honestly egregious, like televised executions and slo-mo footage of war, disasters and car wrecks.) But enough bitching, let's look at game/commercial structure.

Anyone who's been to an NFL game knows about the two guys on either sideline who wear big orange gloves: when they cross one arm over their chest: we're at commercial. Unofficial timeout, everyone. Those guys really broke a sweat this past season, what with all their arm-waving/genuflecting commercial aerobics. Part of this is due to the way the NFL structures these games.

Baseball, on the other hand, has a more rigid structure, with commercials in-between innings or pitching changes. It also has the best play by play announcers in sports. Overall, your sensorium is accosted by far fewer BS commercials during baseball games -- commercials that Da-da has to mute and/or turn off so his young charges aren't blasted by manipulation. This is work, not recreation. Rarely do broadcasters who carry baseball games fall to the NFL's reprehensible R-rated commercial level. Baseball, therefore, preserves its historic roots, while maintaining a more "watchable" format for folks with families. (Yes, this is important to some of us.) Then there's the head-injury/character issues.

The game of Baseball, its history and players -- and ballparks -- are also sweeter. They're nicer to watch, to be a part of. And sure, MLB ticket prices are outrageous, but they're a bargain next to the NFL (and minor league baseball games are both affordable and fun). And baseball doesn't oversell World Series seats, like the NFL just did for this most recent Stuporbowl.

Bottom line: it's baseball that deserves the title of, "America's Game." It's safer and more entertaining for kids to play and experience, and for kids and parents to watch together. On the other hand, sadly, the NFL has jumped the shark. Besides the greed, look at all those wussy players shivering in the cold at that letdown, "snow game," versus the old-timey toughness of Bud Grant and co. From now on, for that level of autumnal, game-day excitement, Da-da will turn fully to college football. Let the MLB games begin -- and the NFL lockouts commence. Da-da, for one, could use a permanent vacation from the NFL. Hope you guys made enough money off of everyone, because those days are over.

P.S. Yes, honey, Da-da is officially making a public commitment to NOT renew his DirecTV/NFL Sunday Ticket for 2011, or any year subsequent. However, Da-da will be hitting you up for some baseball tickets.

For the Love of the (SNOW) Game

Da-da (white coat) gets a moon pie from a friendly passerby.

Being a high-powered mutant hatched atop some Godforsaken roof-of-the-world desert where the wind howls 60 mph every day is kinda fun (in a painful way), and because of this soothing environment, Da-da of course LOVES rain, snow, fog, wind, hail, freezing cold, and really any weather that makes you hang onto something heavy so you don't vanish into the screaming void (which describes parenthood quite well, ahem). Anyway, much to his family's dismay, Da-da is consequently impervious to cold and really any weather except HEAT (heat being Da-da kryptonite).

What Da-da loves most of all are SNOW GAMES. Snowy football games. Football games played IN THE SNOW. Is this clear, yet? Football games (and tailgate parties) played in blizzards, the freezing muck, the ice, the fog, the driving rain, the lava, the toads, pyroclastic flows, etc. Love it.

Indeed, Da-da's not so much of fan of teams (which have fallen to mere BRAND status these days), but of open-air stadiums. If Da-da had endless moolah, he would regularly be seen at outdoor stadiums like Soldier Field, Lambeau Field, Heinz Field, Potter's Field, etc. Old fashioned, raw-knuckled, missing-teeth and -limbs kinda tombstone-y stadiums, where the chill-wind hakken kraks howl so fiercely that you can't feel your -- or anyone else's -- thighs, anymore. The kinda place where you start seriously thinking that it might actually be a good thing to wear a giant fake cheese on your head.

People stop Da-da on the street all the time (esp. the police) and inquire as to why he loves watching snow games so much. Is it simply the love of nasty weather? The festive, snuggly winter triumph of tenacious life over death? No, officer, it's quite simple:

Da-da LOVES to see millionaires suffer. 

 Watch as they slip and slide, fall down... boom. (Da-da likes to see billionaires suffer, too, but they seem to have the smarts to stay inside, buncha pansies.) Da-da would say his heart goes out to those poor schmoes playing in the elements who make the league minimum ($325k), but that's $325k more than Da-da makes, so they can shiver and bleed and eat snow like the rest. (Truth-be-told, Da-da loves everyone. Everyone is Da-da's brother. He's just a little grumpy. Children do this to you.)

Da-da's beyond old school. He's more stone age school, a snowy schadenfreude that demands all football and baseball and hockey games be played above the arctic circle, surrounded by hungry polar bears and fans on old Russian tanks, the game played endlessly until one team succumbs to either the elements, or the toothy fauna, whichever comes first. The survivors are then frozen till next season, which saves everyone time and money on off-season shenangians.

Da-da's gotta go. It's time for his two-hour soak in the Neva River.

What? You didn't know Da-da was hot?