Jacked in the Idiot Box

2012 SUX Preview, Part Deux

And now it's time for the sheep controlling your brain... to explode.

Fresh from PART 1 of Da-da's 2012 TV offerings, he and his crack team of Supersecret Second- and Third-person Bolivian scientists working in Secret at a Secret TV testing facility in SecretLand USA, have hatched EVEN MORE horrific S-U-X games. Weird, huh? Again, S-U-X refers to that raw gash of Super-Ultra-Xtreme sports, but with a difference that is frightening and wondrous to behold, especially if you're a supersecret overpaid Bolivian scientist. Anyway, here's another list of future JACKD-UP TV (FOX) shows coming in 2012 to a village, hamlet or local correctional facility near YOU:

JACKD-UP's 2012 SUPER ULTRA-X-TREME SPORTS (S-U-X) LINE-UP (Part 2)

S-U-X PSYCHOTIC TEEN Para-Wars: Two teens (former best friends) are pumped full of psychotropic drugs (how can you tell?), snagged from a mall (hence the drugs), strapped into a single parachute and thrown out of an airplane at 30,000 feet. Boring, huh? BUT, the parachute is only built to safely support a single teen, hence the "war" element of this plunging cavalcade of death. Teens are encouraged to sober up quickly and sever their opponent from themselves and the parachute by whatever means necessary while attempting to land safely. Cordless power tools and shaped-charge explosives are popular para-wars weapons. Grand prize is survival and a free t-shirt. Planned sequel: S-U-X Married Couple Breakfast War Challenge!

S-U-X Caffeinated Barber Challenge: An all-out race to see which quartet of barbers can give the most traditional straight-razor shaves in a quarter-hour after consuming 40 gallons of coffee. Volunteer shavees are encouraged to apply (esp. gallant satire bloggers). Free first aid and blemishes removed while-U-wait!

S-U-X Steeplechase: Specially bio-engineered horses (with two front-facing eyes) turn manic predator. With sharpened hooves, teeth and Mad-Max spiked harnesses, they chase jockeys mercilessly through jumps over flaming pits. Sorta like Barb Wire meets National Velvet in the Thunderdome.

S-U-X Bowling Challenge: Yes, it's like regular bowling, except now actual live people are watching it. Boredom quickly sets in (after two minutes) and advertisers pull out, leaving contestants scrambling for some kind -- ANY KIND -- of notoriety and endorsement. Some clothes come off. Some blood is spilled. First contestant to get a WEEPY EYED CLOSEUP wins... um... something. Free cans of foot deodorizer for all who watch this one!

S-U-X Ironman: OK, let's see how tough these guys and gals really are. S-U-X IRONMAN adds a "fast food" element to the pre-event warm-ups, making each contestant eat six McYucks and 12 orders of fries -- as well as a friendly cup of nuclear waste -- prior to the grueling swimming, biking and running segments. Contestants also sport leeches and are plagued by rabid, bloodthirsty bats during the distance running. Keep your limbs from falling off and you're a winner! Anyone caught foaming at the mouth or barfing is disqualified. (There goes Da-da's entry.)

S-U-X Waste-Hauling Contract Challenge: Another "reality" contest that follows four young hopefuls seeking to make in-roads into the exciting and rewarding mob-owned sanitation services industry. No "X" is required to make this one worth viewing! YOW.

S-U-X Batting Challenge: Rocks, roughly baseball-sized, come flying in at about 200 MPH. You get a helmet, a bat and a cup. Object: DON'T GET HIT. This is the first entry of what will soon be known as "Kinetic Reality" shows.

S-U-X Badminton Challenge: - Here's the second kinetic entry. The shuttlecock is loaded with explosive and rock salt. Minimal clothing worn. If it contacts the ground, BOOM. Volleyball variant.

S-U-X Dating Challenge: Male "reality show" contestants are dropped into the downtown area of a small midwestern city with no money, no I.D., smelly rumpled clothes and temporary oral implants that make coherent speech difficult. Tiny cameras are mounted to their heads, facing forward. The first man to go on a formal date and get laid wins 10 million dollars. Prostitution is allowed as a way to earn money, but does not qualify as a "win" for the purposes of the competition. The woman must be employed and earning at
least $90,000 a year. Wind up getting married and you forfeit the 10 million.

And you thought TV was dead. You were right!

That's right, there's still MORE TO COME! You like lava, right?

2012 SUX Preview: Get Ready to Get... JACKD-UP!

Just when you thought apocalyptic mathematical weirdness was waning (yeah right, 11/11/11), here comes a whole new crop of living-dead reality TV shows for 2012 -- courtesy of Da-da, yea -- coming soon from, "JACKD-UP TV" (FOX). Yes, it turns out that Da-da was tasked with writing new-and-exciting programming, showcasing a new crop of "real-world" sports fun and mayhem, in what the producers call, "Super Ultra-Xtreme Sports" (or S-U-X). Uh huh. Anyway, Da-da secured permission to share with you a few exciting sneak previews detailing what those rabid film crews and speedball producers will be doing in that township, cable affiliate or local hospital near you:

JACKD-UP's 2012 SUPER ULTRA-XTREME SPORTS (S-U-X) LINE-UP (Part 1)

S-U-X Hunting Challenge: In this visceral shocker, cocky male and female contestants travel to the hinterland regions of Canada, where they're separated from their clothes (oh, yeah), forced to rub tuna all over their naked flesh (oh-oh yeah), and tossed out onto the dwindling arctic icepack to combat a dozen bio-engineered 20-foot-tall polar bears who've been force-fed nothing but Climategate propaganda and not much else. The contestants of course do get a weapon: a four-inch-long paring knife. Tentative title: Red Ice. (This is really the only kind of hunting Da-da condones; if you can kill a 20-foot-tall polar bear, naked, with a 4" long paring knife, YOU DESERVE IT.)

S-U-X Sailing Challenge: Called, "America's Cup-O-Blood," boat skippers are intentionally blinded in one eye (arrr) and given a parrot before weighing anchor on their state-of-the-art sailing vessels -- in much the same manner as their bloodthirsty, scotch-drinking America's Cup counterparts -- though each 80-foot sail boat bristles with 48 cannon (16 port and starboard, and four each fore and aft), with a variety of shot (grape, chain and whopper), scads of black powder charges and barrels o'rum. The addition of armed boarding parties, smoking beards, shark-chumming and intentional ramming promises to make this a most popular event. "Ramming speed!" (Taco Bell has already begun shooting promos for parrot chalupas.)

S-U-X Extreme Baseball Challenge: Titled, "Take Me Out of the Ballgame," all the folks in the stands are handed .22 caliber rifles and one bullet as they enter the park. They are then encouraged to eliminate anyone for slow play, lack of performance, or overpriced whining. A similar system is currently being installed in Florida and U.S.Supreme Courts.

S-U-X Football Challenge: This is simply regular football, though with all the doctors, pain meds, jacuzzis, icing, trainers, girls and huge salaries removed. All games take place in the dead of winter above the arctic circle. Snow Game On!

S-U-X Extreme Skins Game: In what promises to be a very entertaining golf series, this first entry begins in San Quentin Maximum Security Correctional Facility. Golfers must play through the prison (while wearing purple sequined speedos) with no supervision other than the camera crews (safe in titanium-alloy cages). Be careful picking up your ball -- let alone taking a drop in the shower, Tiger!

S-U-X Extreme Living: TEXAS is the first locale of this interesting feature. Contestants must live in Dubyaland -- Midland, TX -- in a fire-ant infested trailer park, while all their relatives are simultaneously released from prison/mental institutions to console the contestants after all their bank stock is found to be worthless. Tequila, Cheetohs, bibles, shotguns and machetes will be issued to all entrants. Viewers will be especially interested in Howey Long as, "The Mother-in-Law."

S-U-X Extreme Travel Series: Da-da's favorite show, called, "Drunks Across the Desert," is the jewel in the crown of the S-U-X series. Two teams of five guys each are dropped in the middle of the Utah Desert, in August, with twin 1963 Ford Falcon convertibles and cases of Jack Daniels. Teams must consume all the booze as quickly as possible and somehow make their way on a pre-plotted course to a far-off destination without being arrested. Anyone who dies during the journey must be strapped to the hood of the car. The winners... well, win.

That's it. Jeez, that's enough... enough, that is, until... Part 2. [maniacal laughter UP]

[Read 2012 SUX Preview PART DEUX.]

Lies.

The Hitler Channel

Hitler liked to sew fear amongst his enemies (jeez, who doesn't?), and so does The History Channel -- except they do it to everybody. What once offered a decent historical overview (years ago) of various subjects -- most of them involving Hitler until all this fundamentalist, apocalyptic fervor began -- The Hitler Channel and Hitler International have denigrated into a morass of questionable programming, much of which revolves 24/7 around Armageddon and the Apocalypse and Nostradamus and the Mayan calendar (which says nothing about the world ending) -- that is, when it isn't serving up some of the most reprehensible depths of the horrid genre that is Reality TV. Indeed, it's gotten worse. The Hitler Channel now pollutes the airwaves with commercials highlighting their end-of-the-world fear mongering. And it's not even 2012, yet. Heads should roll at The Hitler Channel... hopefully during French Revolution Week (July 14th).

If this is where television is going, is it any wonder that the current crops of young people (who are savvier than previous generations in terms of knowing media brainwashing and manipulation when they see it) are turning away from TV to internet fare? If thine eye offends thee, wear a colored contact lens. If thy screen lies, pop it with a ball peen hammer. Be sure to turn it off first -- the screen not the hammer: it's tough to achieve enlightenment when you're dead.

NOTE: Terry Jones', "BARBARIANS" series, shown on Hitler Int'l, is worth watching.

Your 15 Minutes Are SO-OO 15 Minutes Ago

Da-da doesn't like TV, anymore, or screens in general -- esp. for kids. TV is Da-da's sibling from way back (Da-da's an only child), but we've been estranged of late. However, Da-da does lets Bronko, his youngest, watch 15 minutes of either Hat in the Cat or BongeSpob in the mornings (M-W-F), on school days, while Da-da gets dressed (otherwise Bronko tries to develop cold fusion with a toaster, a vacuum cleaner and the cat). Having returned to the family room, ready to go, Da-da turned off the TV and watched, nonplussed, as Bronko hugged the static-y idiot box, sighed and said: "I love you, TV." That TV's 15 mins might be up.