Showing posts with label zombies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label zombies. Show all posts

10.7.12

Draining the Bath: The Truth Behind Bath Salts Hysteria?

Does that qualify as fast food??

This may come as a shock, but Da-da doesn't trust the media. After working with them for 20 years, and seeing where things were going, Da-da is a firm believer in NOT believing anything you read from paid mainstream sources. They always have an agenda. This is not to say that private sources don't. Either way, Da-da can safely say that HE has no interest in hyping things one way or the other. Like most people, Da-da just wants to know what's really going on.

Anyway, case in point: all the alleged, "face eating" going on. (No, thanks. Da-da already ate.) Da-da doesn't doubt that this strangeness is indeed happening. What Da-da has trouble with is the vague claims about, "bath salts" primarily being to blame. Rather than accept the media's accounts, Da-da contacted a good friend in the DOJ to get the inside scoop (off the record, of course).

As it turned out, Da-da's friend had just completed some deep research on many of the XX cases, worldwide (it's happening in N. America, S. America, China and Europe), and... bath salts were only a factor in a small percentage. The common denomenator seems to be that nearly all of the perps were drug and alcohol users (incl. marijuana, natural and synthetic, cocaine, meth, etc.). Ok, now it gets weird.

Seems that ALL the perpetrators (not just some) were seeing "demons everywhere," even while sober, about a day or two prior to the attacks. This pushed them to start heavily using drugs or alcohol or both, and... well, then they went crazy, defending themselves against "demons," which were actually just people around them.

A talented psychic involved with the cases said that the perps were having their "normal defenses" compromised by recreational drugs; once inebriated, they were then, "jumped" by some negative entity. Basically,therir bodioes hijacked by... something. This is apparently common in addicts. Loved ones reported that the perpetrators seemed, "possessed," some speaking in tongues, many exhibiting insane physical strength and endurance. And many attackers took six shots to bring then down. In virtually all cases, no drugs like PCP were found to explain this "superhuman" aspect. Da-da wishes he could be less vague, but like he said, all his info was delivered off the record. Suffice to say that the truth is stranger than mere bath salts.

Stranger still, Da-da's DOJ friend mentioned that law enforcement agencies were prepped months ago by a memo warning them about, "What to do in case of a zombie attack." Everyone thought it was a joke then. They don't now.

Da-da advises people to stick to coffee (just not so much that it makes you grope people on a bus), and maintain a positive mindset. Meditate. Be calm. He'd advise you to hug a zombie, but you'd best leave that to law enforcement.

See what a positive mindset can do?

NOTE: Da-da's not normally big on "demons," but given the weird things he's experienced in his own (haunted) house, he won't rule anything out. There are definitely malevolent spirits around; one was living in Da-da's house -- and Da-da personally saw the thing trying to get into someone's body (he witnessed the effects, then spoke with the person afterward), but more on that later. Da-da even got a *picture* of the beastie, but he's kept it to himself for a while as it's just too disturbing. Now it's gone, so... stay tuned.

14.11.11

When Grammar Nazis ATTACK

Hey! Gimme that!

Da-da was savaged earlier this week by a fearlessly anonymous grammar Nazi, claiming Da-da committed every grammar crime from split infinitives to prepositional propositionals to sentences beginning with, "And," overuse of neolgisms, and of course endless run-on sentences that ran on and on and on and on... AND on and on and on... well, they eventually stopped... SOMETIMES.

As Xerxes the Great said to Gherxjkin the Insignificant: "So?"

Da-da sees english as a LIVING DEAD LANGUAGE, one that should have its dead limbs beaten and whacked away from the doors and windows and not allowed within the confines of manifest destiny and shot in the head at your earliest convenience, leaving everyone both STRUNK and WHITE -- of course, secondarily to keep a postmodern reader's impossible interest, and primarily because Da-da thinks it's fun to flay his own language and, well... this is his blog, so he'll mangle his own language and lots of other languages till the cows return to Capistrano, il castrato. Da-da sincerely hopes this little explanation goes a long way toward assisting grammar Nazis with their greasing of 1st Person corncobs posthaste. Failing that, you could shut up and man the post for awhile. Da-da's children LOVE guests.


Give us a kiss, Adolph.

20.10.11

That Dracula Look of Parenthood

Da-da has risen from the grave and he wants you to do your freakin' homework. And find the Visine.

19.10.11

Forget It Jake, It's Zombietown

AIIEIIEE! Get your shoes on it's time for school! And don't forget your BRRRAIN...

25.6.11

28 Seconds Later...

Been at the Hershey's again, Final Girl?
Like the quasi-zombies (they aren't technically zombies) in the movie, 28 Days Later, where a mad-monkey-kung-fu-RAGE disease spreads to postmodern Brits like a crack-froth Montezuma's Revenge through a cruiseship full o' Rotarians, there's another very real and very dangerous demographic that can quickly mimic this type of ravenously psychotic fast-moving zombie-crazed biteyness WAY faster than 28 days -- indeed, it can happen in a mere 28 seconds. Who and how? Kids and sugar, hello?

Feed delightful munchkins maple syrup, cake, cookies, cotton candy bongs, etc. and they fairly explode into raging, gibbering, pinballing zombies (the fast kind), sometimes quicker than 28 seconds. Typically, they erupt after about 12 minutes, especially if they're boys and there's more than one of them. Da-da thinks of these short ontological windows as short-fuze events, offering about 10-12 minutes to reach minimum safe distance. Alas, if they're your kids, you're in the blast event-horizon for the duration.

What can be done during one of these attacks? Nothing, of course. You have to wait it out. Like the ancients always said, "That which you cannot cure, you must endure," and parenting is nothing if not a marathon of painful zombie endurance. Experienced zombie parents deploy sugar tactically -- on special occasons -- prepared for the coming onslaught with various sugar-burning activities like towing the car to the top of Mt. Everest or building a giant Egyptian pyramid grill for Da-da from 2.2 ton stones in the backyard. You think the pyramids were built on grain and garlic? Nope. Those suckers were constructed via some kinda Pharoanic sugary whack-juice extracted from who-knows-what and fed to... you got it: CRAZED, SUGARED-UP CHILDREN:

"Get that finished or no SpongeBob tonight. I'm not telling you again!"

"HEY, YOU KIDS! After you finish your slushies and candy BONGS, go outside and BUILD ME A PYRAMID. Bigger than the last two. Align them with the three stars in Orion's Belt, and NO WHINING. Be sure to clean up and brush your teeth, afterwards. AND DON'T TRACK SAND IN THE HOUSE AGAIN."
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