Just when you thought apocalyptic mathematical weirdness was waning (yeah right, 11/11/11), here comes a whole new crop of living-dead reality TV shows for 2012 -- courtesy of Da-da, yea -- coming soon from, "JACKD-UP TV" (FOX). Yes, it turns out that Da-da was tasked with writing new-and-exciting programming, showcasing a new crop of "real-world" sports fun and mayhem, in what the producers call, "Super Ultra-Xtreme Sports" (or S-U-X). Uh huh. Anyway, Da-da secured permission to share with you a few exciting sneak previews detailing what those rabid film crews and speedball producers will be doing in that township, cable affiliate or local hospital near you:
JACKD-UP's 2012 SUPER ULTRA-XTREME SPORTS (S-U-X) LINE-UP (Part 1)
S-U-X Hunting Challenge: In this visceral shocker, cocky male and female contestants travel to the hinterland regions of Canada, where they're separated from their clothes (oh, yeah), forced to rub tuna all over their naked flesh (oh-oh yeah), and tossed out onto the dwindling arctic icepack to combat a dozen bio-engineered 20-foot-tall polar bears who've been force-fed nothing but Climategate propaganda and not much else. The contestants of course do get a weapon: a four-inch-long paring knife. Tentative title: Red Ice. (This is really the only kind of hunting Da-da condones; if you can kill a 20-foot-tall polar bear, naked, with a 4" long paring knife, YOU DESERVE IT.)
S-U-X Sailing Challenge: Called, "America's Cup-O-Blood," boat skippers are intentionally blinded in one eye (arrr) and given a parrot before weighing anchor on their state-of-the-art sailing vessels -- in much the same manner as their bloodthirsty, scotch-drinking America's Cup counterparts -- though each 80-foot sail boat bristles with 48 cannon (16 port and starboard, and four each fore and aft), with a variety of shot (grape, chain and whopper), scads of black powder charges and barrels o'rum. The addition of armed boarding parties, smoking beards, shark-chumming and intentional ramming promises to make this a most popular event. "Ramming speed!" (Taco Bell has already begun shooting promos for parrot chalupas.)
S-U-X Extreme Baseball Challenge: Titled, "Take Me Out of the Ballgame," all the folks in the stands are handed .22 caliber rifles and one bullet as they enter the park. They are then encouraged to eliminate anyone for slow play, lack of performance, or overpriced whining. A similar system is currently being installed in Florida and U.S.Supreme Courts.
S-U-X Football Challenge: This is simply regular football, though with all the doctors, pain meds, jacuzzis, icing, trainers, girls and huge salaries removed. All games take place in the dead of winter above the arctic circle. Snow Game On!
S-U-X Extreme Skins Game: In what promises to be a very entertaining golf series, this first entry begins in San Quentin Maximum Security Correctional Facility. Golfers must play through the prison (while wearing purple sequined speedos) with no supervision other than the camera crews (safe in titanium-alloy cages). Be careful picking up your ball -- let alone taking a drop in the shower, Tiger!
S-U-X Extreme Living: TEXAS is the first locale of this interesting feature. Contestants must live in Dubyaland -- Midland, TX -- in a fire-ant infested trailer park, while all their relatives are simultaneously released from prison/mental institutions to console the contestants after all their bank stock is found to be worthless. Tequila, Cheetohs, bibles, shotguns and machetes will be issued to all entrants. Viewers will be especially interested in Howey Long as, "The Mother-in-Law."
S-U-X Extreme Travel Series: Da-da's favorite show, called, "Drunks Across the Desert," is the jewel in the crown of the S-U-X series. Two teams of five guys each are dropped in the middle of the Utah Desert, in August, with twin 1963 Ford Falcon convertibles and cases of Jack Daniels. Teams must consume all the booze as quickly as possible and somehow make their way on a pre-plotted course to a far-off destination without being arrested. Anyone who dies during the journey must be strapped to the hood of the car. The winners... well, win.
That's it. Jeez, that's enough... enough, that is, until... Part 2. [maniacal laughter UP]
[Read 2012 SUX Preview PART DEUX.]