Walt's Wednesday Night Special at The Non Sequitur

Walt's dealing hippo-cabal burgers for $0.99 each while they last.

The Disneyland/Secret Society Photo Essay Da-da Didn't Write

Da-da was going to write a big long piece on secret societies' symbols and influence at Disneyland... but really, who cares? Their secrets are rather pathetic. And old. Obsolete. It's just bad programming. A bad mental software routine that's been hogging existential bandwidth for eons. Sure, their crimes are legion, but we're bigger than that. We don't need to seek revenge on our former masters, who are in actuality also our spiritual brothers. They'll punish themselves worse than anything you could do. And we can be generous now that we have the keys to our cells in our hands.

So. Let's reboot. It's time we all put away our fears and got together and got along -- and got those who don't deserve to govern us out of the way so we can vive, muchachos. How difficult does existence have to be, anyway? Not that difficult.

Take the day off. Be good to yourself. Breathe. Look at the sky. Walk a little taller, and enjoy a positive mindset... 'cause good things are coming your way. Really good things. You won't believe how good. And Da-da's not just saying that.

Hope is the best of things. Without it, we're all just mass without gravity.

Soon, it'll be without meaning; nothing more than a crack in the wall of an amusement park.

Taking the Mouse by the Horns: A Puzzling and Overly Image-laden Foray into Disney's Recent Dark Hornage

Aiiieeee!

Da-da knows there are a lot of serious things going on in the world that require serious attention, but... well, this is earth where, for the time being, the E stands for Evil or Egregious. Da-da doesn't believe in Evil, per se; more apt to call it insanity, which is what it is. What Da-da sees most are people foisting said insanity on otherwise sane humans (bygones) in the guise of entertainment. Da-da himself does this all the time and it's fine, as Da-da's blog is for adults, mostly parents whose brains are still missing in action. Filmwise, insanity is a given. Take the work of David Lynch for example. However, studios don't market David Lynch movies to children.

The point Da-da's trying to make the hard way is that Disney's new movie, "Maleficent," is ostensibly marketed toward kids, showcasing Angelina Jolie being... well, creepy. Creepy and disturbing. Sure, she was already creepy and disturbing, but these are two things you want kids to avoid if you don't want them to go insane and drag you along with them.

The movie trailer creeped Da-da's boys right out.

"I'm not watching THAT," 9YO Nagurski announced after viewing the teaser, and his 7YO brother agreed. Thanks, Disney. You just saved Da-da about $50 in tickets and sundry theatrical junk food.

But these kids weren't the only ones who felt this way.
 

Ug, creepy. Even the baby doesn't approve.

Not surprisingly, the kids they tried to cast for the part of the 4YO girl victim in the movie couldn't even make it through the audition, because Jolie -- in full make-up -- frightened them so badly.

"One little kid even said, 'Mommy, please tell the mean witch to stop talking to me,'" Jolie recounted.

The only kid they could find who wasn't scared was Jolie's daughter, who of course got the part. For the record, she was scared, too, but she was used to the fear, having to live with Jolie and THAT MONSTER Brad Pitt all the time. Ever see Brad Pitt eat a burrito? (Yes, Da-da's joking. Brad only eats ground up baby unicorns.)

So, what exactly is Disney trying to do here? Exemplify the Dark Arts? (Without Snape?!) And why is it on its third director, anyway? No one wants responsibility... why? And why couldn't they just use a computer-generated Tim Curry with a new coat of paint as Maleficent? Would've been much cheaper and a lot more disturbing, if that's what they were looking for. (If you really wanna get weird, try using a floating green CG Truman Capote with horns for the sequel. Yikes.)

Horns? Tangent time!

Horns. Tim Curry as Hellbo... er, Big Red Legendpants.

Hm. Horns back, horns forward. In films, if the horns go back, does that mean the character is submissively evil? Or perhaps passive-aggressively evil?

Dominant AND submissive. And derivative. Another stick, too. Hm. Da-da's not gonna go there.

Uh, we have this guy. O'course, if yer talkin' horns, you must include...

All the pretty manbat hornage. Who are you leaving the kids with, tonight? RIGHT: the one who looks like Da-da.

...straight-up (so to speak) Manbat hornage. And then there's...

Oops. Sorry, Ron.

... no, wait...

Loki's horns looked familiar, right? Da-da loves Hellboy, and really anything written by Mike Mignola.

...THERE he is. Horns forward AND back... but typically denied and cut off and sanded down. Aha. At least Hellboy has a sense of humor. Manbat and Maleficent and Loki and Big Red are NOT big piles of giggles. Point? On Da-da's head, chief. Ok, wherewerewe?

Ah...

Fallen-angel clean-up on aisle nine. John Constantine, get ready for your close-up.

...creepy.

Da-da doesn't know about you, but there sure are a lot of horn-y dark scary beings prowling around movies these days. Is someone trying to sell us something? Or is it just faux end-times zeitgeistiness? (Note: THERE ARE NO END TIMES. It's propaganda.) Doesn't matter, but OH how this epoch will be studied ad nauseum over the next 1000 years.

Da-da won't get into the fascistic overtones of films (and sporting spectacles) over the past ten years (many by the same director), but "Maleficent" alone should make one wonder if there's indeed some ulterior motive at work. Da-da's not naturally suspicious, he simply distrusts corporations -- and banksters and politicians -- and assumes they're nearly all either devil worshipping yahoos or greedy predacious pedophiles. Or perhaps they're just misunderstood and need a hug. By a straightjacket.

Anyway, if "Maleficent" were somehow self-deprecating, or wryly fey like "Hellboy," that'd be one thing. An entertaining thing. But a black-horned evil witchiepoo delighting in scaring and torturing children? Sure. Ok. That's fine for a certain kind of movie, but this is a Disney movie! What's next, a "Ghostbuster's" remake, but without the humor?

Unless Da-da's missing something, Disney itself seems to have fallen pretty far from Walt's Happy Tree, so far that they might want to call the company something else like, "Mammonpants," or "EvilMediaDeathMachine3000." Either way, the below gentleman, were he alive, would not like his namesake's current, downspiraling direction. Fact is, he'd be pretty pissed off.

Get up, Walt. Time to kick some butt.

Wait. This just in...

Disney has just announced a new Disney spokesperson who will also be the new Walt Disney for their newly revived, "Wonderful World of Disney." Yes, it's...

More horns, but at least they're on a UFO.

...Angus Scrimm, the Tall Man! Fresh from his stints as Phantasm spokesperson for The Cabal and Monsanto. Welcome, Angus! Play ball, kids.

Da-da Shrugged: Disney's Thunder Mountain Re-opens

Speaking as a former Disney musician, cast member and Dopey Book contributor... well... the above, allegedly refurbished ride looks the same as it did in the '80s and '90s. Sure, there might be a few extra lights and LED fake-dynamite fuses, but otherwise the ride seems identical. Same twists and turns. Pretty disappointing, actually, considering the ride's been out of commission for over a year.

Cave scene from the old pre-Thunder Mine Train ride.

Da-da liked the old Rainbow Ridge Mine Train better. It was soothing and quirky and rather interesting, a cooling change of pace in a hot part of the park.

Probably for sheer moolah/body-count/ride-throughput reasons, Disney has purged their Anaheim park of slow rides like the original, as they did The People Remover and the SkyWay cars through the Matterhorn, which was also a nice shortcut across Fantasyland.

Two defunct rides, no waiting.

Oh, well. Tom Wolfe's been vindicated yet again, Disney-style. Kinda makes you wonder how much money Disney spent on the refurb and what it was spent on... unless the new mine train is to be a fat corporate tax deduction -- or perhaps an NSA surveillance showcase. (Few people realize that the former head of Disneyland Security was the first person chosen for the newly minted and oxymoronic, "Dept. of Homeland Security.") And D-land's new procrustean and highly invasive guest security system should come as a surprise to no one... provided people actually suspend their civil rights and submit themselves -- and their kids -- to it, pictures and thumb prints and all, no doubt shared with the DHS. Da-da, for one, will opt out.
 

People riding in the dark in the old days. The smell of water was nice.

Oh, well. At least Da-da was HOT back then.

The Empire Sells Out

So Long 2012 Recap: The Phantom Mouse

Bad Mall Santa Da-da #6

Bad Mall Santa Da-da hasn't been writing much about being Bad Mall Santa Da-da as it went from funny novelty to soul-numbing grind pretty quickly. Forcing yourself to be jolly when you're dead tired and way weary of kiddie materialism -- AND sick as a dog from all the childhood diseases genuflecting through your beard -- not to mention being pooped on and peed on and barfed on and sneezed on, was more than even a veteran Man Called Da-da could bear, but bear it he did. It was terrible UNTIL Santa Da-da suddenly realized that, not only were these not his kids, but Santa Da-da had already turned that parenting corner and never had to go back! No more diapers! No more projectile vomit! No more bodily excretions flying all over the place! Well, unless you sign up to be a Bad Mall Santa Da-da.

[Read Bad Mall Santa Da-da #5, or SING the Bad Mall Santa Da-da theme song!]

Bad Mall Santa Da-da #5

Bad Mall Santa Da-da gets all kinds.

Santa Da-da: Hello! What can Santa do for you?
Kid: I want a jellybean explosion.
Santa Da-da: How big?
Kid: Big as my Da-da. [Kid points at a huge man the size of a vending machine.]
Santa Da-da: Big, then. Anything else?
Kid: A ramp.
Santa Da-da: A ramp?
Kid: Yeah, like a freeway ramp.
Santa Da-da:Where did you want Santa to put that?
Kid: Inside my house.
Santa Da-da: Ok.You like concrete?
Kid: [nods and smiles]

[Read Bad Mall Santa Da-da #4, or go to Bad Mall Santa Da-da #6.]

Gone, freeway, gone.

Bad Mall Santa Da-da #4

No more alien children, please.

Today's featured Santa/kid interaction involves a cute, innocuous looking 7YO blonde girl with Heidi braids across her head, dressed impeccably from some expensive European catalog. Her mom was dressed identically, the same Heidi braid on her head. It was a little odd, but not as odd as the software borh their heads were runing.

Santa Da-da: Hello! What can Santa bring you this year?
Heidi:YOU'RE NOT THE REAL SANTA!
Santa Da-da: I'm not?Heidi: NO! YOU SHOULD BE IN CHAINS!

She then jumped down and high-fived her identically dressed Heidi mom [??], both of them giving Santa Da-da dirty looks as they stomped off. What the hell was that all about? Perhaps it's true that Da-da lives near one of those Displaced Space-alien Enclaves like the ones outside all the Disney properties. Maybe Santa Da-da needs some body armor.

[Go back to Bad Mall Santa Da-da #3, or go to Bad Mall Santa Da-da #5.]

Step back from Santa Da-da, or there will be... trouble.

That Midnight Look of Parenthood

"Mirror mirror on the... oh, f*ck it."

Forget It Jake, It's Zombietown

"Look out, Jake! It's a trap!"

Spooky Space-Tiki Pole Found in Space (SPOOKY!)

Sure, the auroras are pretty, but look at that alien Spooky Space-tiki Pole!

This just in... a weird, Spooky Space-tiki Pole has been discovered floating in space next to the space shuttle Atlantis. Besides being SPOOKY, and a little redundant, Spooky Space-tiki Pole apparently brandishes the following magical powers:

1. Spooky Space-tiki Pole knows all the words sung to all the annoying songs in Disneyland's, "Enchanted Tiki Room," and sings them all day and all night.
2. Spooky Space-tiki Pole makes pretty aurorae and great fries.
3. Spooky Space-tiki Pole makes sexy, "Ooo, AHH, Ooo, tiki-tiki," noises when you dance with it.
4. Spooky Space-tiki Pole is great for impromptu cargo bay limbo or Int'l Space Station tiki-fu quarterstaff action.
5. Spooky Space-tiki Pole makes all NASA/ESA personnel not only fertile again (the MIBs sterilized them all back in '84), but also... well, ANXIOUS, ifyouknowwhatimeanandithinkyoudo. Be prepared for a mini-astro-baby-boom.
6. Alien characters on Spooky Space-tiki Pole have been translated as saying, "Property of Adventureland. Possession of Spooky Space-tiki Pole invokes Disney Executive Order #33, thus activating frontal lobe implants and inducing expensive family vacation expenditures to Disney properties, with tickets now only $300/day per person...." C'mon. You always knew Disney was an alien construct.
7. Like the Monolith from 2001, Spooky Space-tiki Pole has the power to embed pineapple chunks into ALL food on the surface of the earth.
8. Spooky Space-tiki Pole takes the "NAH" outta NASA. (Ok, it doesn't. Nothing will.)
9. Spooky Space-tiki Pole is always intense -- and fun!
   
10. Spooky Space-tiki Pole contains all the pent-up tiki power of the omniverse. Do not taunt Spooky Space-tiki Pole.

Here are some Da-da prepared for earlier shuttle missions.