It's a Da-da Advisory: Foil Hat 101

This poor schmoe recently threatened to torch four elementary schools. Note the hat.

Hi. Da-da here. Just a quick, friendly, Monday note to those of you possessed of the peculiar idea that aluminum foil -- or metal of any kind (save for maybe lead) -- defeats UFO transmissions, MKULTRA government mind control, compulsions to watch golf on TV, etc.: FYI, putting aluminum foil in your hat does NOT stop these alleged energy sources. Indeed, it magnifies them.

Ketch need blow up Montovani!

Once more, with feeling for those who tend to skim:

ALUMINUM FOIL IN YOUR HAT ACTS A FOCUS, NOT A SHIELD.

This means that foil in your hat makes the UFO transmissions worse, Captain Video, if indeed there are any UFO transmissions. There almost have to be, because... well... UFOs gotta transmit, right? It's one of those things they do, like sucking the anu$es out of cattle and making your Bentley stall.

Worse still, foil hats crank those Martha Stewart transmissions up into their own energy classification, which isn't that bad if someone's made a mess.

She's melting your brain right now, using her cat, Pyewackett, as projector. Can't you feel it? AIIEEE!

Anyway, if and when you feel those bizarre compulsive thoughts piling up beneath your cranial dome, combat this urge with a long hot shower, some herbal tea, a blow to the head and maybe a nap. OR, every time you feel the need to do harm to... well, anything... just book a spa appointment and go get rubbed by friendly strangers. Being rubbed by friendly strangers is one of the surest ways to unplug your inner Lee Harvey Oswald. (It worked for... oh, right. He didn't kill anybody.)

Or, you could just take off the hat.

Aluminum foil in your hat pretty much guarantees hallucinations. Enjoy!