Spring-y Cat Brain Realization

Yes, SPRING is here. Well, kinda. This means you’re all wondering what present you can buy for your CAT, right? That’s what your cat wants to know. Well, you’re in luck. Renegade animal, "thought researchers," from The University of Morvalia, in cooperation with Morvalia Polytechnic University, have unveiled the world’s first device capable of reading and transmitting thoughts originating in the feline mind, yay.

Called, "The Concatenator," (hey, Da-da didn’t name it) the contraption is strapped to the animal's head, catapulting cat thoughts out of a small speaker. Da-da tried this himself on several stunt cats. Test subjects included: Tiger, Tasha, Max, DEATH MUFFIN, Critter, Bosco, Josephine, Myron (Myron?), Owen, The Big Unit, and Mr. Stevenson. Here are the results:

   10 Most Common Cat Thoughts:

1. "Don't just stand there you simpering oaf – PET ME."
2. "Why did you stop? Can't you pet me FOREVER?"  
3. "Are you talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?"  
4. "Man, if you were only 4 inches tall…."  
5. "You’re not going to EAT that are you?"                
6. "Mine."
7. "Here, let me sleep in the middle of what you're reading. Ahh, isn’t that better?"
8. "Mmmm, fresh laundry."
9. "Hold still while I smear my wondrous cat scent all over you... ah. YOU ARE NOW MINE."
10. "Hey. Dummy. What about the CAT?"

The tests also involved a good deal of feline eye rolling, errant tail flipping and downright power napping. Interestingly enough, the cat brain device was found to work well with other species (with a group of randomly picked Rotarians used as a control group). Researchers reported the following results:

• Dogs’ thoughts are remarkably similar to those of human teenage males, registering things like: 
• "Duuuude!" 
• "S'UP!"
• "Cool!"
• "Sha!"
• "Yo!"
• "Smell my BUTT!"
• "Righteous BUTT!" and
• "Whohooo!"
  
• Squirrels are apparently having the most fun. Their thoughts basically reflect the fact that they are light, strong and have sure-footed claws that yield a hyper-rodential 4-wheel-drive. Thoughts recorded thus far have either been on the order of, "WHEEEEE," and, "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
  
• Aligators and crocodiles only think one word: "Closer."
  
• It turns out that all lizards, iguanas and sloths maintain a level of brain activity amazingly identical to those of elected officials, rental car agents and... well, Da-da. (He didn't use to be this way.)
  
• Snakes turned out to have surprisingly litigious thoughts. Alas, the snakes’ attorneys placed a gag order on all snake-thought reporting.
  
• Overall, most other animals seemed to share the same thoughts as most celebrities, with one of the most common responses being, "Get that camera out of my face, you bipedal FREAK."

The researchers also re-released their Feline Responses to Torpometric Ataxia.

Is this thing on? Can we tawk?

What Parenthood Actually Looks Like

Would someone please hit Da-da's "RESET" button?

What Parenthood Actually Looks Like

Yup, that's just one kid... either before or after the thorazine dart.

What Parenthood Actually Looks Like

Behold the dervishistic machine that is Bronko.

What Parenthood Actually Looks Like

Parenthood actually spins faster than this. And has more spikes. And cabbage.

It's Believe-What-You-Read Day

Yes, what with all the silly April Fools stories that often appear on April 1st, this is probably the only day you can trust what you're reading -- those 12 of you who still read. It's all silly all the time, anyway, so whirl it if you've got it. By the way, the above is exactly what it feels like to be a parent these days, and when the ride stops... oh, wait. IT NEVER STOPS. (You know you love it.) But HOW do you hang on without being dashed to metaphoric bits? Screaming silently helps, as does a little...

Uh oh, gotta go... Da-da's Philosopher's Stone is transmuting into a salamander again.

Another Public Service Announcement

Always good advice for Mr. Moms and other males who have fulfilled their biological imperative, and are currently sitting at the back of the bus. (Hey, you done with the sports section?)

Another Public Service Announcement

Your Permanent Record

Your past can KILL...  or at least make a decent B-movie.

A little cautionary tale/Monday splash of freezing cold water. One of Da-da's old friends recently got DEEP within the hiring cycle for a big job with a big firm... when they suddenly nixed the deal at the 23rd hour. They spelunked his personal history all the way back to when he was a zygote, and discovered that he'd never dealt with an out-of-state DUI charge he'd received in his teens before going into the army. Ouch. He'd totally forgotten about it (he's 42), but considering what he's been through, Da-da can't blame him. Anyway, a hard lesson, and one for all of the young people and parents of young people who, unlike Da-da, still have their entire life ahead of them. Basically, when The Man says, "This will go on your PERMANENT RECORD," he means it. Know it learn it live it. Atone once, atone often.

On the obverse side of that coin, exactly how much information should an employer be entitled to when considering you for a position? (For the record, Da-da's friend's job had nothing to do with driving.) Nowadays, with Big Brother bigger and less brotherish than ever, you can ostensibly never make a mistake and not atone, which is rather inhuman, in Da-da's humble opinion. Everyone deserves a second chance. And a third chance. A fourth chance... yes, Da-da guesses even flaky au pairs deserve a second chance, he said begrudgingly.

Your LP permanent record plays and plays and plays and plays and plays...

Terror, Thy Name is GRASS

Overheard at Trader Joes (visiting New Yorker to local mom): 

"We can't go to the park. My child is afraid of grass." 

And rightfully so. Thar be GRASS MONSTERS in there.

Concrete is so much safer.

Games People Play

This sad exchange from a recent school drop-off/pick-up ritual...

====================================
Chipper housewife: "Good morning! How are YOU?!"

Da-da (deadpan): "Livin' the dream."

Chipper housewife (never listening): "Super! Have a great day!"

[later that day]

Chipper housewife: "How's it going?!"

Da-da: "Dog sex! Howbout you?"

Chipper housewife (dead stop): "Uh... what?"

Da-da: "I said, 'Great, howbout you?'"

Chipper housewife: "Um. Fine."

Da-da: "Super! Have a great day!"
====================================

Note: don't ask Da-da how he is if you don't wanna know. Note2: Da-da might need a vacation.

Da-da gets children ready for bed.

It's Monday, Take the Coda

"They cat take that away from me, noo..."

Escape From Which Mountain?

Da-da ran into an insouciant, childless friend today. "Hey, how's parenthood?" he chuckled.

Da-da fixed him with a jaundiced eye. "Ever see, "Escape from Alcatraz?"" Da-da asked.

"Sure," he laughed, a little nervous. "They got out."

Da-da stared him down: "Did they? Did they really?" Does anyone ever get out?

Da-da might need some Tinkerbell mouth-to-mouth. And scotch.

Another Public Service Announcement: DWT

Before.

Picture 3YO Da-da riding his tricycle down the sidewalk from his suburban house oh soo long ago, sometime around 2:00 in the afternoon. As usual, he was left alone to, "play outside," as everyone in Da-da's generation was -- which Da-da still finds totally inexplicable.

Just then, a neighbor materializes, a 50-ish woman with white hair, reading the newspaper. She absently gets into her beige 1967 Chevy Impala and, still reading the paper, starts and backs her car out of the driveway right into Young Master Da-da, turning his trike over and skidding it backwards toward the street, grinding its left rear wheel post into the driveway cement -- SCRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE -- Jeez lady, can't you hear that? -- pinning Young Da-da within the tangle of metal, the huge chrome bumper reflecting Young Da-da's frozen horror back to him: Is this really happening? He finally finds his voice and SCREAMS for the car to STOP... which it did, finally, just as the wheel post found a joint in the concrete and was thinking of buckling: a good ten feet. (Let's hear it for good-ole vintage steel construction.) STILL READING THE PAPER, the lady gets out of her car and looks more annoyed than horrified. She frowned. Aren't you dead, yet? she seemed to say, failing to ask if Young Master Da-da was alright, instead inspecting her car for damage. Meanwhile, Da-da rights his tricycle and goes off on his not-so-merry way, shaking, the bent wheels of his tryke squeaking and never the same. Same to you, lady.

So, why does Da-da tell this story? Because he sees so many of you, of all ages -- even cops -- WATCHING LITTLE SCREENS WHILE YOU DRIVE. You must stop this and keep your eyes on the road. There is no info on earth that can't wait until you stop your car. Sure, you think you're okay, because you drive more slowly and closer to the curb, like a blind great white shark in the shallows waiting for some small being to lumber in front of you, for all it's gonna take is for some ebullient little kid to run out in front of you and you won't be looking at the road and those high-tech ABS brakes won't save either of you because you'll never have a chance to use them  BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION. A life will be lost and yours will be ruined. So, please put the phone done and pay attention.

Don't read email and drive.
Don't watch TV and drive.
Don't text and drive.
Don't YouTube and drive.

All this is called DWT, Driving While Texting, and is actually worse than driving after six drinks. Yup. It's illegal. And it's dangerous. Look at the graphic, Copernicus:

A useful DMV graphic. Know it, learn it, live it.

Note that it's veeeeery dangerous for you, too.

Why?

Because Da-da and those like him will not be nice to you when he/they get(s) to you. Ever see the Boogieman when he's mad?

Extradimensional Psycho Clown Da-da just wants to talk.

That Morning Look of Parenthood

The Bankie Code

Da-da's youngest, Bronco, has been rather fragile of late, waxing tantrum at the drop of a moon pie. This isn't that interesting, to you or Da-da. What is interesting is Bronco's Coping Technique 2.0, where he not only wraps himself in his blankie (which he calls his, "BANKIE"), but also his adherance to a kind of logical bankie protocol. For example, during these events, Bronco couches every word and phrase with the word, "BANKIE," basically creating the equivalent of BANKIE HTML. Observe:

"Bronco, would you like some juice?"

"Bankie, DON'T TALK TO ME, BANKIE!"

Or, you could write it like this:

[BANKIE] DON'T TALK TO ME, [/BANKIE]!

Note that Da-da had to use brackets and not less-than/greater-than symbols, as it wouldn't show up, otherwise. Da-da isn't sure what this is good for, but the beginning stages of a whole new BANKIE coding scheme is always exciting.

3/8/11 to Live in Infamy? (or, ALL YOUR BASE ARE STILL BELONG TO US)

Alan Shepard wonders, Why do I suddenly feel like a Moon Pie?

That's right, citizens: tomorrow's the day -- AGAIN. Some other closet Nostradamus has hatched another alien-apppearance deadline, claiming tomorrow will see wall-to-wall motherships over major metros, yay. And won't your metro's real estate agents still WEEP like little girls when your skies aren't packed with flying mile-long Vogon fleets, like Da-da's? Wish they'd hurry up.

Hey! You can't park that there!

Absinthe, Parenthood, or Vampire?

EXPECT the Spanish Inquisition

That's right, kids: these days, EXPECT the Spanish Inquisition. At all times. Cardinal Fang, prepare the soft cushions...

Breaking News From Da-da's Head

Is that "Outer Limits," or "Bowling for Dollars"?

Crap. Must be Tuesday. Either that or Bronko and Nagurski have been playing with the remote to Da-da's head and tuned him to a dead channel again. Huh. It's kinda like real life, but more compelling. Wait, is that a chicken up there? No. It's just the way she's holding the grapefruit.