Showing posts with label parent humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parent humor. Show all posts
20.10.13
AIIEEE! It's the KID RAPTURE!
 |
| Look out, below. [img src: B. C. Ville] |
It's official: influenced by the highly successful Turkey and Ham Raptures a few years ago (so, what have grocery stores been seling us, ew), at 9:10 am EDT this Sunday morning, all the world's children, ages 0-19, got Raptured into Kid Heaven, where they'll pretty much do the same things kids have done in the past, except they'll glow a lot more. Yes, in case of this Kid Rapture, your kid is now unmanned.
Reactions have run the gamut of human emotion.
"Oh, my baby!" cried Jetta Treadle-Whonk of Nome, Alaska, "she's gone!" Ten seconds later, after being informed that her child was safe and living it up in The After Life, she added: "Well, now I can use her college money to go to Paris. For twenty years."
"Thank God that's over," said Fnorda Rubb, PTA president for Harry Truncheon Elementary in Beaversnag, Montana. "There aren't many parent-athiests in foxholes, today."
"Let's see those little bastards backtalk the Big G for a change," said Clive Hawry, a sub-prefect at Heisenberg Primary in East Clotpole-on-the-Snide, Houndsditch. Mr. Hawry punctuated his statement with several obscene gestures.
An anonymous, former NORAD official-turned-SAHD, who'd tracked the whole thing on home radar, was non-plussed: "So, that happened." Later, he added: "Sure is quiet."
Several world leaders said something or other, but no one paid them much attention.
The most common reaction amongst parents of all beliefs, colors, creeds, cranial pressures and political interferences was to stand out in the open, on street corners, in pumpkin patches, in blissful backyards, faces upturned, mouths agape, REVELING in the silence.
Experts predict that book and candle sales -- as well as those of birth control devices -- are set to skyrocket.
4.4.11
Decapod Declaration Day
Out of the blue, 3YO Bronko yells: "Help! Lobsters are in my pants!"
Being a well-trained Mr. Mom, Da-da takes everything at face value, so he dutifully checked to ensure that Bronko's pants were lobster-free... bummer. No cioppino tonight.
1.3.11
That Midnight Look of Parenthood
(On a side note: Da-da loves Tilda Swinton; she's the David Bowie of female actors.)
17.2.11
16.2.11
The Missing Nagurski...
...is not missing, but he is in trouble. BIG trouble. This morning Da-da went into his oldest boy's room as usual to wake him for school... and his bed was empty. That was unusual, as he's typically quite log-like and inert in the morning. Ok, maybe Nagurski's in the bathroom... nope. His brother's room... nope. Ah, he's gone downstairs... nope.
Da-da gets Ma-ma.
They go over the same territory, looking into closets, under beds, tables, places he may have crawled into while asleep, under our own bed... nothing. Da-da checks the windows for possible intrusion by UFOs, monsters, J. Edgar Hoover... nope. All secure. Now it gets serious. Ma-ma goes into the cold and rain of the backyard, calling her son's name... nothing. She and Da-da start searching in places they've already searched. Uh oh...
Da-da knows what's coming. It hasn't reared its ugly head since the time Bronko vanished at a huge, crowded pumpkin patch (he was hiding in a hay tunnel), but here it comes with it's black-flapping crazy-wings: PANIC. Da-da shoves it aside and checks the garage, the insides of cars... meanwhile, Ma-ma thinks a moment and goes back up to Nagurski's younger brother's room, as she was more awake than Da-da in her search. Something caught her eye...
Nagurski is found, hiding in his pajamas behind a small rocking chair in his brother's room, waiting for him to wake up so they can play. Da-da's not sure if he'd fallen asleep back there, or if he was intentionally hiding -- or if he really heard them calling his name -- but the point is moot, as Nagurski is well on his way to the sun.
So long, you little booger. Pleasant journey. Wear sunscreen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
