Yes, SPRING is here. Well, kinda. This means you’re all wondering what present you can buy for your CAT, right? That’s what your cat wants to know. Well, you’re in luck. Renegade animal, "thought researchers," from The University of Morvalia, in cooperation with Morvalia Polytechnic University, have unveiled the world’s first device capable of reading and transmitting thoughts originating in the feline mind, yay.
Called, "The Concatenator," (hey, Da-da didn’t name it) the contraption is strapped to the animal's head, catapulting cat thoughts out of a small speaker. Da-da tried this himself on several stunt cats. Test subjects included: Tiger, Tasha, Max, DEATH MUFFIN, Critter, Bosco, Josephine, Myron (Myron?), Owen, The Big Unit, and Mr. Stevenson. Here are the results:
10 Most Common Cat Thoughts:
- "Don't just stand there you simpering oaf – PET ME."
- "Why did you stop? Can't you pet me FOREVER?"
- "Are you talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?"
- "Man, if you were only 4 inches tall…."
- "You’re not going to EAT that are you?"
- "Here, let me sleep in the middle of what you're reading. Ahh, isn’t that better?"
- "Mmmm, fresh laundry."
- "Hold still while I smear my wondrous cat scent all over you... ah. YOU ARE NOW MINE."
- "Hey. Dummy. What about the CAT?"
The tests also involved a good deal of feline eye rolling, errant tail flipping and downright power napping. Interestingly enough, the cat brain device was found to work well with other species (with a group of randomly picked Rotarians used as a control group). Researchers reported the following results:
- Dogs’ thoughts are remarkably similar to those of human teenage males, registering things like:
- "Smell my BUTT!"
- "Righteous BUTT!" and
- Squirrels are apparently having the most fun. Their thoughts basically reflect the fact that they are light, strong and have sure-footed claws that yield a hyper-rodential 4-wheel-drive. Thoughts recorded thus far have either been on the order of, "WHEEEEE," and, "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
- Aligators and crocodiles only think one word: "Closer."
- It turns out that all lizards, iguanas and sloths maintain a level of brain activity amazingly identical to those of elected officials, rental car agents and... well, Da-da. (He didn't use to be this way.)
- Snakes turned out to have surprisingly litigious thoughts. Alas, the snakes’ attorneys placed a gag order on all snake-thought reporting.
- Overall, most other animals seemed to share the same thoughts as most celebrities, with one of the most common responses being, "Get that camera out of my face, you bipedal FREAK."
|Is this thing on? Can we tawk?|