It's Come to This, Mr. Muffin Pants

You always need special java with these recipes... and, well, for every other time.

Yes, it's a post about muffins. MUFFINS.

Someone has obviously been dumping phthalates into Da-da's water supply again, as his testosterone levels must have shrunk to an all-time low FOR HIM TO WRITE ABOUT MUFFINS. Thing is, Da-da likes muffins. He even knows, "the muffin technique." Wouldn't YOU like to know. Damn, can there be an event horizon for men watching children too long??

So, since no one will shoot Da-da, he'll be forced to write about tasty, high-fiber muffins. Feel free to kill Da-da anytime.


Good bran muffins are tricky. They are, too. And MAN, there are billions of recipes out there, many of them bad. Da-da has made some of them. Muffins require an actual technique or two to do well, though it's certainly not rocket science. Number one is following the recipe exactly... which Da-da rarely does... number two is not overstirring the batter. Counting to yourself, fold the mixture with a spatula and count each fold to 15, then STOP folding the mixture. Why? Because if you keep mixing until the batter is laboratory-homogenous -- or worse, you use a whisk or electric mixer -- you get a muffin that mimics lead at room temperature. Like those muffins you buy iat the store. Or the $3.95 one at Barstucks. Yuck.

Anyway, here's Da-da's most excellent recipe for Oat Bran Muffins, adapted from the one at the Joy of Cooking's site:

Da-da's Oat Bran Muffins

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (205 degrees C) and place rack in the center of the oven (unless it's gas, in which case you should move rack to the upper third; note that all ovens are different). Line a 12 cup muffin pan with paper liners. or spray with a nonstick vegetable spray. (For a crispier, better-looking product, grease muffin tins with butter, though this isn't as, "heart healthy." Factually, guilt isn't heart-healthy either.)

In a large bowl, stir together the flour, oat bran, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt, ground cinnamon, orange zest and raisins.

In another bowl whisk together the lightly beaten egg, molasses, vanilla extract, oil, and milk.

Fold the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients, and stir until just moistened -- not more than 15 times. Go slowly. The batter will be quite thin.

Pour or ladle the batter to fill the muffin cups, and bake about 15 to 18 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the center of a muffin comes out clean. Remove from oven and place on a wire rack to cool before serving.

Makes about 12 standard-sized muffins, but your mileage may vary.

Adapted from:
Daley, Regan. *In the Sweet Kitchen*. Random House Canada: 2000.
Lindsay, Anne. *Lighthearted Everyday Cooking*. MacMillan of Canada. Toronto: 1991.
Stern, Bonnie. *More Heart Smart Cooking* with Bonnie Stern. Random House of Canada. Toronto: 1997.
Stillwell, Honker. *My God, This Sucker's Gonna BLOW*. Xenochrony Books. SF: 2006.
Ferbus, Phineas. *Wow. My Colon is Launching Me Into the Stratosphere.* Xenochrony Books. SF: 2008.
   
Oat Bran Muffins:

1 cup (130 grams) whole wheat flour
1 cup (150 grams) oat bran
1/3 cup (75 grams) brown sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon grated orange zest
1 large egg, lightly beaten
1/4 cup (60 ml) unsulphured molasses
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
2 tablespoons canola or corn oil
1 1/4 cup (300 ml) milk
1/2 cup (70 grams) raisins or currants

Here's the Joy of Cooking's original recipe for comparison.

 And here's the second recipe, which uses wheat bran, also adapted from the Joy of Cooking's site:

Da-da's Pumpkin Raisin Bran Muffins

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (205 degrees C). Place rack in the middle of the oven (unless it's gas, in which you should move rack to the upper third). Line 12 muffin cups with paper liners or spray with a non stick vegetable spray. (For a crispier, better-looking product, grease muffin tins with butter, though this isn't as, "heart healthy." Factually, guilt isn't heart-healthy either.)

In a medium sized bowl, mix together the pumpkin puree, eggs, buttermilk, and oil. Set aside.

In a large mixing bowl, combine the flour, bran, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, salt and raisins.

Fold the milk and egg mixture into the flour mixture. Stir until just combined, not more than 15 times. Go slowly. Do not overmix the batter or the muffins will be tough when baked -- however, they will make excellent projectiles. Or a perfect treat for that special boss.  

Fill the muffin cups with the batter using a small measuring cup, or an ice cream scoop. Place in the oven and bake for about 18 minutes, or until firm to the touch and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Place on a wire rack to cool.

Makes 12 regular-sized muffins. 

Adapted From:
Lindsay, Anne. *Smart Cooking*. MacMillan of Canada. Toronto: 1986.
Jethro Batch, *Cookin' With My Eyes Closed.* Xenochrony Books. SF: 2007.
Fleagle, Canonpullet. *Halloween MEANS Evil! Muffins, That Is.* Xenochrony Books. SF: 2009.

Pumpkin Muffins:

1 cup (240 ml) canned pumpkin puree
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1/2 cup (120 ml) buttermilk (or plain yogurt)
1/2 cup (120 ml) canola, corn, or safflower oil
3/4 cup (95 grams) whole wheat flour
3/4 cup (50 grams) natural wheat bran (as opposed to UNNATURAL wheat bran)
3/4 cup (150 grams) dark brown sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
3 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup (140 grams) raisins or dried cranberries  

Here's Joy of Cooking's original recipe, for comparison.

Good luck trying to pick the best recipe. Both are Da-da-tested and both are excellent. Da-da typically doubles the amounts of cinnamon and vanilla extract in any recipe, WHICH HE'S ALREADY DONE IN THE ABOVE RECIPES, hello? Like OVERCAPITALIZATION, Da-da always doubles cinnamon and vanilla extract. He's just that way. Anyway, enjoy.

Psst, this is an SEM (Someone Else's Muffin). Da-da's not gonna say whose. But can you tell what's wrong? Yup, they didn't let the muffin cool before they peeled the paper liner, AND they put the frosting on without letting the muffin cool totally. You might wanna think about greasing the muffin tins with butter, instead of using paper liners; it's messier, but -- like Da-da -- it's crispier and better looking. Is Da-da being a muffin snob? MUFFIN SNOB!