The Whammy Man (aka, MONKEYS CHIMPANZEES)

Long ago, as a favor to a former relative (long story), I agreed to take her kid... somewhere, I can't remember. I'd just managed to strap the four-year-old hellion into her Apollo 2 car seat -- and finally figured out how to start the damned car (an early Volvo w/key-start in the trunk) -- when the car stereo started BLARING a Cher CD: "Gypsies,Tramps, and Thieves." 

 

Normally, I'd have nuked the car from orbit (it's the only way to be sure), but then the kid in the backseat started singing her guts out, lyrics she was making up at the top of her lungs. I found myself paralyzed in fascination of the abomination before I scrambled for a pen and paper to write down what she was singing. It went something like this:

Born in a baggin of a baggeninbow

Baba put the pants on the bunny's no-no

Baba could poo whatever he could!

Bet a little monsta

Betta little monsta with baba poo...

[Chorus:]

MONKEYS, CHIMPANZEES!

We hear it from the people in the town

They call us... MONKEYS, CHIMPANZEES!

And every night all the men would come around

And lay the monkey down.

By that time I'd stopped breathing I was laughing so hard. If I'd had a modern phone (this was before smart phones), I would've recorded her act and she'd be an Internet pop sensation with more hits than that "fox sound" guy. So, why do I bring this up?

WHAMMIES, aka, "ear worms." Like when I was on the school bus getting beaten by bullies to the Bee Gees', "More Than a Woman." After that, you might really hate that song if you ever heard it again, thus for me it became: "Bald Headed Womaaaan! Bald Headed Woman to MEEEE!!" Anyway, whammy songs aren't technically bad, they're just catchy with an endless loop in there somewhere.

So, what are the worst whammies of all time? Most "modern" music is so repetitive as to be classified industrial noise; whabbling shopping cart wheels make better music. But if I were forced at gunpoint to make a list of the Top XX worst whammies? 

 

Here ya go:

Da-da's Top XX Worst Whammy Songs (in no order)

• Nearly everything written by "Paul McCartney" (#2, who is, in fact, The Whammy Man)
  • "Band on the Run"
  • "Jet"
  • "Live and Let Die"
  • "Glands Across the Water," etc.
• "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve
• "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi (you wanna throw a hammer at Bon Bon at each key change)
• "Thriller" by Michael Jackson
• "Wake Me Up Before You Go-go," by WHAM (why does this song exist?)
• "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" by Burt Bacharach
• "Dancing Queen" by ABBA
• "Kissed by a Rose" by Seal
• "Macarena" by Who Cares?
• Most anything by the Bee Gees
• "Time Warp" by Rocky Horror Picture Show
• "Willowcrest" by the Buddy Rich Big Band
• And yes... the theme from "It's a Small World" (back in the '80s, Disney supervisors used to make you work SMALL WORLD as punishment for various transgressions; today they just induce sex change).

For the holidays we have these looping horrors:

• Paul McCartney's, "A Wonderful Christmas Time"
• Jose Feliciano's, "Feliz Navidad"
• Andy Williams, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year."

CURE for THE WHAMMY

You can rid yourself of the embedded whammy simply by listening to the song all the way through till it ends. ONLY THEN have you proven to your mind that the song WILL END. One day. But if you can't get rid of the whammy, MAKE FUN OF IT like that little kid in the back seat:

"MONKEYS, CHIMPANZEES...!"

NOTES:

X. I reviewed some Internet sites purportedly listing the 'worst ear worms of all time, and 'the worst songs of all time' and sadly for them and the artists listed, I'D NOT HEARD OF ANY OF THEM. And I don't want to. Being old is its own reward.

Y. The #1 French WHAMMY is apparently this song?? Whatever.

Z. Wait... after reviewing said lists... THIS is the Worst Song of All Time: "What Does the Fox Say?" Then again, it made me laugh it was so stupid, so perhaps it doesn't deserve that title... or maybe it does. Yeah, it does.