Behold the latest in grooming convenience from those geniuses at AcmeVaporware, the main supply house for All Things Da-da. Da-da's beard has been shivering all morning...
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ACMEVAPORWARE UNVEILS DREADED GOOGLE-TRAC RAZOR
Advanced Psycho-Consumertronics Section Whips Sheet Off Shocking Personal Grooming System
HIRSUTE, KENTUCKY, January 5, 2011 -- AcmeVaporware Inc. (AVW) today revealed its new GOOGLE-TRAC Razor before a horrified, yet good-natured crowd of beauty & barber science academy graduates. The first overly manic personal grooming system of its type anywhere on earth, the new GOOGLE-TRAC Razor has well over 100 razor-sharp blades that simply dont know when to quit.
HOW IT WORKS
The first blade comes in and pulls up the whisker a fraction of a millimeter, while the second blade zooms ahead and pulls it up a little bit more; the third blade then takes up where the second blade left off, while the fourth blade assists the third, working in unison to hoist the whisker’s petard for the deadly FIFTH blade, which helps the sixth do its job, followed by the seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth, fifteenth, sixteenth, seventeenth, eighteenth, nineteenth, and twentieth blades that then work in harmony with the next eighty eight blades to FINALLY AND IRREVOCABLY zip-zop that pesky growth right off the face of the earth, with extreme prejudice and malice aforethought.
“We decided to stop screwing around and make a serious LEAP in razor technology profits,” said Dr. John Smallberries, president and CEO of AcmeVaporware. “Other personal grooming system profits only went so far. I mean, the American public will believe literally anything, so why not?” Dr. Smallberries then unleashed the new GOOGLE-TRAC Razor System on the hundreds of unsuspecting barber & beauty school graduates, most of whom were females in their ‘20s. Test subjects’ screams were most impressive.
“Our GOOGLE-TRAC Razor System can be used to boost bottom lines of all types, making it far costlier and more complicated than more conventional gas-powered shaving solutions,” said Dr. John Yaya, Vice President of International Vice Presidential Systems for AVW. “In contrast, other personal grooming systems are short-sighted, cheap and kinda suck. Just wait till you see the prices for our replacement blades! A-HAAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!”
“This product has absolutely nothing NOTHING to do with Google,” said Google CEO Barney Google. “Still. I’d still love to have one. Just stop touching me.”
About Google
Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google. Jeez, enough about Google already.
About AcmeVaporware
AcmeVaporware, Inc. is an awesome, intergalactic septillion dollar web-based APE monstrosity, providing truly ludicrous and uncompromising physical layer transport and grooming solutions, pseudo-lexiconographical logistics and torpovapor supply-chain fusion thingies to anyone who will stand still long enough for us to draw an X on their forehead, on a scale that makes the collective armies of all the Pharaohs look like a junior high school marching band. Yes, we're talkin' BIG. Information on AcmeVaporware, its internecine technology and personal grooming system arm, and its future profligate amounts of finest-quality miasma are mostly classified. Regardless, its all on acmevaporware.com anyway, so whatever. If you must read more, try this book, which is all about AcmeVaporware and will take your head clean off. It's even in the Library of Congress.
All content and images copyright 1996-2011 and Beyond, AcmeVaporware Inc. AcmeVaporware is a registered trademark of well, AcmeVaporware Inc. All rights reserved. Don’t mess with us. Our attorney takes air baths in malls.
AcmeVaporware scientists KNOW f = ma.
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