Impromptu Dinner Guests at Chez Da-da Mean...

...TWO non-stick shovels used SIMULTANEOUSLY.

Family! It's What's for Dinner

Ah, the Joys of Punctuation

Grumpy Da-da's N'oxymoron for a Thursday Afternoon

Yeah. Thanks, Carl. Do you know how much a fresh universe costs these days?

Da-da's grumpy, so today's near-oxymoron -- or "n'oxymoron" -- is, "celebrity chef." For the most part, chefs are not celebrities. Some are, like Jacques Pepin (who can cut an onion faster than any machine), but the rest are just corporate celebrity chef wannabes, rehashing the same voguey or costly, or voguey costly ingredients over and over again in a redundant pottage of pottage redundancy. They wax this tuna while suggesting viewers purchase $400 mixers and $3000 copper-core can openers and exotic, pricey ingredients tossed akimbo amidst amazing quick-cut culinary trips to some cheese-laden caveau in the Pyrenees, or the Champagne region where we're forced to endure them rolling their eyes, moaning and nodding to that impossible-to-procure Fumé Neuberg grown by their now-good-friend, Francois -- all the while wagging their chemically shock-treated hair, $10k smiles and iconic, impeccably slouchy wardrobes in our gray-toothed Old Navy faces. They're not all like that, o'course.

The schlumpy sincere-esque ones are merely obnoxious and gad about hating and mocking everything in the world (like writers, chefs all secretly hate one another) -- except for that impossible-to-procure Fumé Neuberg grown by their now-good-friend, Francois. For the most part, these are not folks you'd let stand in your kitchen for more than a few seconds before whacking them in the head with a baked alaska. We now return you to Grumpy Da-da's (instant) coffee, already in progress. Da-da coffee is always intense.

Here's one Da-da made earlier.

The Worst Muffin Recipe in the World

Here's one Da-da made earlier. Like Brando said, "BRING ME THE BUTTER."

Mmm, Halloween means it's time for... uh, muffins. Yeah. It also means it's time for Da-da's favorite recipe. Great for kids. Great for scaring in-laws. Great for making things GREAT. Great. It's also perfect for making a happy Halloween memory. Enjoy.

THE WORST MUFFIN RECIPE IN THE WORLD

Ingredients

• 12 troy ounces of gold, seeded with Iridium (that's Element 192 to you)
• 3 cups black truffles
• 2 cups white truffles
• 1 Higgs-boson
• 2 teaspoons dark-matter epazote
• 2 blowfish livers, chopped
• 1/2 teaspoon sloth (ground and boiled)
• 40 lbs. civet-bean coffee
• 2 level cups Saharan yak lard
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 2 teaspoons allspice
• 2 teaspoons ground cloves (preferably Steve Kloves, Da-da likes his movies)
• 2 teaspoons nutmeg
• 2 teaspoons ground black centipede
• 1 cup rhinoceros bile
• 9 cups mummy powder (Kubrick dust works, too)
• 3 gallons ghost chili oil
• 3 cuckoo eggs
• 3 architeuthis eggs
• 7 dugong filets
• dirt for garnish.

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 10,000 degrees F (5538 degrees C). Grease 12 muffin cups or line with paper muffin liners. (Da-da is now saying that last sentence out loud.)
2. Melt gold and pour into 12 cute little ingot molds. Let cool. In a very large bowl, mix wet ingredients. In an even bigger bowl (preferably hewn from a block of green jade), mix dry ingredients. Mix wet and dry together in a bowl cast from illegal moon ore. (Dick Cheney has two.) Set aside.
3. Remove cute little gold ingots from molds and set aside. Scoop half the batter into prepared muffin cups, add gold ingots, then add rest of the batter on top.
4. Bake in preheated oven for 2 to 25 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center of a muffin comes out clean, then bursts into flame. Let cool. Sprinkle with dirt and serve. O the sublime frugality. 

Nutritional Information 

Amount Per Serving:  Calories: 33 | Total Fat: 74000g | Cholesterol: 95053mg

Note1: these are best done with RADIOACTIVE NAZI GOLD. Use Kitchenaid Blast Shield when mixing ingredients. Note2: You Epicureans are no doubt wondering: "WHAT KIND OF DIRT?" Wellsir, Da-da prefers dirt collected from beneath the fingernails of congresspersons (yup, it's expensive, and takes a while to procure, but it's SO worth it); failing that, dirt from the center of Greenland is a fine substitution.

   (src: AVW)