Five Bad Reasons Why Parents Might Actually Want XXXL Progeny

Da-da used to be a fat kid, so he was wondering if perhaps some parents might actually WANT THEIR KIDS TO BE GYNORMOUSIZED. Why would someone want this terrible outcome for their child?? Check out the following un-PC reasons why some children might be overweight:

1. So parents can KEEP TRACK of kids better. 
2. So parents can KEEP UP with kids better.
3. So parents might have a fighting chance against marauding hordes of cannibals/zombies.
4. To remind parents of their favorite '80s monster, The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
5. To save money on lead weights and rope and duct tape. 

Da-da's currently plying his own hellspawn with PIZZA AND DONUTS as he writes this, so he can spend less money on lead weights and rope and duct tape, as 5YO Bronko and 7YO Nagurski currently see every store/museum/mall at a dead-run. (NOTE: Da-da doesn't think fat is funny, esp. after being the butt of so many jokes for so many years, but he did get a sense of humor out of it. AND he does wish he could somehow strap lead weights to his children to slow them down to sub-light speed.)

Remember: muscle burns fat. Marshmallow just BURNS.