|Da-da's actually quite sweet, provided you apes take Hill 407 this time without tantrums.|
After inspecting his sleeping troops and settling in to his cold k-ration beany weenies again last night in the trenches (hey, Da-da LIKES trenchy beany weenies), Da-da ruminated on what it's really like to be A Man Called Da-da, with two sub-7YO mental patients -- or a parent, in general. What's it really like?
It's like trench warfare, that's what. But with more hugs and vomit.
Don't believe Da-da? Then take this little parenting test:
The Da-da Trench Test
- Do you feel exhausted from little or no sleep/being up all night, your fatigue the stuff of legend?
- Are you perpetually rumpled, dirty, unclean, unshaven, unkempt, perhaps even STINKY -- in public -- and find that you simply don't care?
- Have you started to resemble Chewbacca? Make Wookie noises?
- Do you often find yourself wearing the same clothes over and over, day after day?
- Do you find yourself scarfing cold or lukewarm, greasy food while standing up/walking/running?
- Have you found that you actually not only LIKE beany weenies, but talk about it in public?
- Do you occasionally find yourself screaming?
- Do you occasionally find yourself screaming the same thing over and over? And over?
- Do you occasionally scream or pontificate about beany weenies?
- Has your memory... um, is the... what was the question?
- Do the strangest things often come flying in from every direction? Or out of your mouth?
- Have the terms, "debris field" and "unholy terror," become relative?
- Do you find yourself schlepping heavy, screaming things over great distances in a kind of death march?
- Do you go to the bathroom as quickly as possible while someone outside is screaming and pounding on the door?
- Do you bark orders at troops who are selectively deaf and possibly brain-damaged?
- Have you become jaded to crying and shouting and fighting? To other people's crying and shouting and fighting?
- Is one of your eyes now bigger than the other?
- Have you accidently started making breakfast for dinner?
- Are you often strapping people into things and checking the straps?
- Have you seriously considered using duct tape as an enforcer?
- On rare breaks, do you stare into space, numb and insensate? (AKA, the Thousand Yard Stare.)
- Have you, for all intents and purposes, become celebate for long periods? Forever?
- Do you wish you'd always been celebate, living alone on some mountain with wolves?
- Have you started to look like two wolves in one set of clothes?
- Have you read part of a parenting book, tossed it aside and said, "Yeah, right!"
- Have you stepped on mines (toys), barefoot, and silently screamed/cursed in pain?
- When running errands at lightspeed, have you found you instinctively KNOW what every crying baby/toddler/kid wants, even when it's not your kid?
- Have you, the parenting VETERAN, muttered the answer to the clueless newbie parents of the child? ("He's HUNGRY, you idiot.")
- Do you fear strollers?
- Do you take even the most unspeakable of bodily acts at face-value?
- Have you come in contact with blood, vomit, feces, urine, hair, smooshed/uneaten food in the same hour? In the same minute? In ten seconds?
- Have you ever caught barf? Someone else's barf?
- Do 90% of your sentences begin with, "Awright, you monkeys...."
- Have you ever threatened to call Santa? The Easter Bunny? The Tooth Fairy? The FBI Crime Lab? All four?
- Have you, or your commander simultaneously giggled and cried while making your 19th cup of coffee?
- Have you fallen to calling your commander, "mommy."
- Do you find yourself angrily sputtering the wrong name, mixing up your kids' names with your cats with your spouse?
- Do you leer at happy childless couples and conjure lurid Hammer Film moments?
- Have you begun to notice a resemblance between yourself and Christopher Lee as Dracula? Oliver Reed as the Werewolf? Martha Stewart?
- Do Grimm's Fairy Tales make you laugh out loud?
- Do you often feel you'd be happier blown to bits by an 80 mm shell?
- Have you learned to despise anyone who not only makes long-ass parenting lists, but who also can't seem to express themselves in less than 140 characters?
|Whose turn is it to take out the diaper pail? One guess. (Sam Raimi courtesy of Mr. and Mrs. Ramey.)|