28.1.13

That Monday Look of Parenthood


JFK Mystery SOLVED?

Jeez. There's no reason to be rude.

Since the next thousand years are gonna be all about truth and discovering it shining in pickle barrels and filing cabinets and at the pointy end of surly unicorns, let's start with an obvious one: THE ONE SENTENCE PARAGRAPH.

Ok, let's not.

Anyway, there are nearly an infinite number of JFK assassination conspiracy theories. Da-da is sure you have room for two more. One is the truth. One is... well, it could also be the truth. Who knows?

1. The Most Plausible Reason for the Kennedy Assassination

The first one is simple: look at Kennedy's last Executive Order, #11110 from June 4, 1963. It began the road toward placing the right to print money back in the hands of the U.S. Treasury and NOT the Federal Reserve. He was shot on November 22, 1963, about five months later. Assassinations and patsies take a little time to set up.

In the illusion, it's always about the money.

Sure, this doesn't say who did what, but it's pretty easy to put two and two together after you consider this one little fact.

2. The Most Implausible Reason for the Kennedy Assassination

JFK was tired of living. He'd done the President thing. He'd traveled the world. He'd learned about UFOs. He'd been with Marilyn. What else was there?

Yes, the JFK assassination was an elaborate suicide. This was the main reason the Secret Service/CIA agent assassins (dressed as policemen) were all reportedly crying when they shot him. And why they were all singing, "Danny Boy."

Of course, there is a rather significant mitigating factor...


25.1.13

The End, Annotated


Just in case someone tries to stir up THE END OF THE WORLD again, here's a handy list for them to reference. The real end of the world will occur the next time Da-da turns into a giant ape, WHICH COULD HAPPEN AT ANY MOMENT.

(Comprehensive list of dates after the jump.)

Friday's Electric Cake is Full of Whoa

Yeah, Da-da's hot. He's been watching his figure. Removing five ribs helped a lot, too.

17.1.13

The Once and Future Bronko and Nagurski

Nagurski and Bronko, circa 2010 AD -- aged 5 and 3, respectively.


Bronko and Nagurski, circa 2060 AD -- aged 52 and 54, irrespectively.

PARENTHOOD: The Lobotomy You Never Had


Da-da was supposed to do something today... BUT WHAT? And WHY is the above image and title so... redundant?! So... EPONYMOUS?? And WHAT'S WITH ALL THESE ANNOYING... ELLIPSES?!? AAIIIEIE!!

14.1.13

You Know It's Monday When...

...your IT guy is in a percussive maintenance mood...

...your robot is all alone...

...and strange cheetahs are breeding in your closet.

But take solace...

...it's crab season.

12.1.13

Nagurski Neologism #37


Nagurski, Da-da's oldest (he's 7) loves all things biology and botany -- esp. cacti and succulents. He was looking at one of his plants in the window box yesterday and ruminated aloud: "If a succulent had chocolate in it instead of water, would that make it a, 'CHOCCULENT'?"

11.1.13

Da-da's 13 Micro-Human Containment Tips That Might Still Work

In the days before attorneys.

Da-da's pretty sure he's been neglecting the subject -- probably because he's blocked it out -- so, by popular request, here's one last quasi-useful post on securing those precious life-moments somewhere between Christmas and being roasted alive. Yes, we're talking babies. BABIES! Yell this word in a public setting and you'll polarize whole groups of people: some people LOVE babies; some people head for the hills; some people make mewling noises and eat funyuns. They chained Da-da to something heavy (or is that Da-da?), so he's stuck in a prison camp somewhere in-between.

Since Da-da's already been twice-through the diaper-genie trenches and some of you poor hominids haven't, here are the Da-da's 13 Fortuitous Tips He Can Actually Remember Working That Contain Babies -- that is, tactics TO STOP BABIES FROM ESCAPING, if only for a little while, and that are mostly legal. Alas, like any white-hot radioactive blancmange heading straight through the earth's crust on its way to the core, NOTHING CAN CONTAIN BABIES. Nothing. Not indefinitely. Babies are little forces of nature whom YOU have foolishly let out. Nice work. Cute baby... where'd he go?

Da-da's 13 Fortuitous Baby Containment Tips That Might Still Work

Tip #13: Diapers. Diapers? Sure. You might hate 'em, but they slow that little bastard down. Ever try running while wearing a diaper? Of course you have. 

Note: diapers also slow down certain types of music.


Tip #12: The Baby Pendula. The Baby Pendula? Sure. Da-da invented it. Or was that for logs? Anyway, sleep boasts wonderful containment, and that's why it's #1, as you'll see. However, note that kids GROW when they sleep, thus giving themselves a better opportunity for later escape. It's Evolution in Action.

WHY IS THAT BEAR STILL AWAKE?! AAIEEIEEEE!

Tip #11: TV. This stops them from moving, or thinking, but only for a short time, and it's admittedly pretty sad parking your kid in front of a television or video game just so you can have a life, but every parent has done it. Having kids has nothing to do with YOU and your cravings for sleep or a nice quiet lunch, or really anything about you and your previously sexy life. No, it's all about junior. Kids are LUNCH KILLERS, nice-meal buzz-kill... well, until they're about 26, but you're still gonna pick up the check in perpetuity, even after you're dead. Da-da's been dead for years and he thinks it's fabulous.

In tonight's episode, Da-da tries to remember why he went into the garage!

Tip #10: Kid Parks. That is, any park that's got a decent play structure, is fenced, gated, in a decent neighborhood, with only ONE entrance, and parent benches that offer superior 360 degree pillbox views of all possible threats and unrealized escape routes. Even then, you can never really relax -- unless, that is, you simply don't care, in which case you should tap out and go work for stock options.

Kid-park lock-down is always a good idea.

Tip #9: Baby Corrals. A no-brainer. Da-da LOVES baby corrals. Sure they're pricey, but while they work, they offer the closest thing to peace of mind. What parent doesn't love kid-jail? Besides, it prepares them for later incarcerations and those welcoming gray cubicles of Discorporate America.

This makes Da-da so happy.


Tip #8: Tents. Tents? TENTS. Add sleeping bags and comfy blankets and heart pillows inside a little two-person tent... ZIP and ZAP... they're gone. Tents offer a weak form of containment, and may even breed phobias, but you're not really listening to anything Da-da says anyway. Tents are all about AMUSEMENT, but we're getting ahead of ourselves a little.  Safe, that is, until they wake up and destroy the tent like rabid grizzlies.

Awww.

Tip #7: Kid Gates. All kid gate manufacturers should get free dinners for life. Shouts of, "LOCK 'EM DOWN!" used to ring through Da-da's AWW-shank kid-prison... well, until someone yelled, "BABY MISSING ON TIER TWO, CELL 245!" Great.  It helps to put zen temple bells on all gates and doors, as they have a tone that's unmistakable. You hear that bell ring and it means either, "INTRUDER!" or "ESCAPE ATTEMPT!" Of course, in Da-da's house it could also mean, "GHOST!" or "ANOTHER ANGEL JUST GOT ITS WINGS!"

Here's one Da-da uses all the time. It's a bit of a deluxe model, but well worth it.


Tip #6: Misdirection. Tasks, puzzles, drawing, bright shiny things, dancing sweaty mascots... whatever works. Hey look: HAM. Misdirect that escape attempt such that they never want to escape, which of course leads us to...

That's a lot less fun than it looks.


Tip #5: Mr. Hand. Mr. Hand is... well, Da-da's hand. And it talks. Yeah, it's expensive. Like, really expensive. And it typically says funny things that Da-da himself says, but it's infinitely more handy and attractive, so the expense is justified. Sure, Mr. Hand represents that magical venn-diagram nexus of AMUSE + MENT, but that would be the illusory item #14 on this list, and 14 Things aren't as interesting as 13, so... whatever.

Yes, Da-da's hands look like that. It's an evolutionary advance. Is, too.

Tip #4: Driving Around Forever. How many gajillion barrels of crude have been burned trying to induce sleep in babies and toddlers and tax collectors? The number must be enormous, and probably explains that inexplicable 2:00 am traffic, as well as any global energy crisis that may materialize when profits are running low. This driving technique may smack of desperation, but welcome to post-apocalyptic parenting.

Driving through fire reeeeally puts kids out.


Tip #3: Duct Tape/Velcro. It's obvious. It's crass. It's even more desperate. But it's a classic. Even works on mothers-in-law. Of course, it's also a sure way to invoke Child Protective Services, but not if you do as Da-da does and use an effigy bear.


Da-da has taped a few teddy bears on the wall in his day.

Tip #2: Stick 'em With Ma-ma. With Ma-ma? WITH MA-MA! AHHAHAHHAHAHA, they're YOURS now, lady! AHHAHAHHAHAHA... where's Da-da's lithium? 

Dang, Ma-ma's sexy.

Tip #1: SLEEP (See Baby Pendula). The Sandman makes the best jailor, if only for a short time. The trick is learning how to get that kid DOWN. 7YO Nagurski, Da-da's oldest, simply will not sleep in a car, perhaps because he didn't want to miss anything, but 5YO Bronko is out in 60 seconds once the doors close. And don't forget: SLEEP BEGETS SLEEP. Though not for parents.

Gosh, the past must've been a pile of medicated giggles.


A Teeny Tiny Warning

PLEASE don't let junior play with your cellphone to entertain or distract. It's an RF device (RF = Radio Frequency) and it's pumping out 2.4 Ghz radiation right into little Gilgamesh's developing gray matter curliques. 2.4 Ghz? That's what we in the Royal Navy call, "The Water Band." You know, that band of frequency that microwaves use to excite water molecules? That microwaves use TO COOK FOOD? Trust Da-da here, you don't want a cooked baby. Cooked babies tend to live in your house forever, and it's our shared goal to get them OFF TO COLLEGE or that Pacific Whaling Trade School as soon as possible... which is, of course, the exact OPPOSITE of the above containment and thus beyond the scope of this post.


Actually, aluminum foil helps to FOCUS UFO transmissions... which explains a lot.

10.1.13

Yes, It's a Da-da Advisory

Future parents take their child to The Cheesecake Factory, c. 2029.




























Da-da was in a restaurant last night and saw a five-year-old kid being led out of said establishment BY WIRES -- the wires and power supply carried by grandparents, the wires connecting the kid's head to headphones and the iPad he was staring at like some creature out of DUNE. Welcome to Da-da's Tipping Point. Be advised: if Da-da sees you walking around the outside world like this...


...he WILL kick you in the butt. Or trip you into a wedding cake. Because, like love, kicking people -- people making silly ontological mistakes -- in the butt (metaphorically, or literally) is always the right response, and has been for 13 billion years.

Also be advised: if Da-da sees a kid walking around the outside world like this...


...he'll kick the parents in the butt. Legions of attorneys are already circling Da-da.

NOTE: re-reading this post has reminded Da-da that he needs to be seen reading ACTUAL BOOKS in front of his children, and not just laptop screens. Leading by example and all that.

That Thursday Morning Look of Parenthood

"YOU are going to school today, little man. You think Da-da spent three hours
on that clown make-up for nothing? THINK AGAIN.
"

8.1.13

It's Always Superlatives Week

Best incomprehensible front-door directions.

Well, That's Just Great


Must be Tuesday. Da-da's a giant Da-da-bug again. How do these things happen?
Sure, his exo-skeleton is fabulous, but Da-da sure hopes Ma-ma put the cats out.

7.1.13

Da-da's Notes From Aboveground: All Things Explicit... (or, "IMPLICIT IS THE NEW BROWN")

Say, is that a uterus on your shoulder, or are you just glad to see Da-da?


Ok, New Years and all that, so let's get right to some insousciant soapboxing. Everyone ready?

Da-da finds all things explicit quite boring. (Though not all things non sequitur-explicit; there's a difference.) This of course rows against the polluted populist stream, saturated as it is -- nay, RIFE -- with explicit language, prawn (that is, "pron"; homonyms are fun), near-prawn, fear-prawn, anger-prawn, revenge-prawn, chicken-prawn on a stick, etc. (See? There's non sequitur-explicit in action. Neat, huh?) Being obvious with language and images is just so damn obvious.

[Puts more soap into box.]

Explicit content is unimaginative and, well... LAZY. Uncreative. Like using CAPITAL LETTERS to make your point. Indeed, explicit content takes little imagination and glorifies lowest-common-denominator laziness, and rarely starts sentences with, "indeed," much to its detriment. Indeed. It's easy to titillate with a uterus on your shoulder.

Perhaps a return to scantily clad prose and images might be more satisfying than existing nuclear blast flavorage. Like most journeys within, the implicit is somehow more satisfying and thought-provoking. Just a thought. Soapboxing deactivated. Please pass the giant naked prawns.

See? Isn't this more satisfying and thought-provoking?
And yes, that's Anne Bancroft on the left.

2.1.13

Da-da's 2013 Quasi-Psycho-Mythopoeic Spokesperson of the... Oh, Whatever


Da-da doesn't know about you, but he's pretty darn daffy about escaping 2012's wrath... as evidenced by all the spinning he's been doing since Tuesday. To commemorate this (the survival, not the spins) and a lot of other things that make little sense, Da-da will now unveil his 2013 runners-up, and of course his 2013 Spokesperson of the Year. Here we go...

Runner-up #1...

Runner-up #1: Gary "Pard" Oldman. He was Da-da's 2012 Spokesperson.

Runner-up #2...

Runner-up #2: Fred "Pard" Astaire.


Runner-up #3...

Runner-up #3: Dalai "Pard" Lama. Hey, is a pattern developing?

Runner-up #4

Runner-up #4: Lee "Pard" Marvin. Ok, Da-da sees it, now.

Runner-up #5...

Runner-up #5: Tilda "Pard" Swinton. A pity she'll be too busy being, "MAME" on Broadway.

Runner-up #6...

Runner-up #6: Oog- "Pard" -Way. Oh, well. There goes the pattern.
(Though Tilda Swinton *will* be playing Oogway in the stage version of "Kung Fu Panda.")

And Da-da's 2013 Spokesperson of the Year is...

2013 Spokesperson of the Year: Dr. Lao. Life is a circus, after all. (And there's a hat again. Huh. Weather changing in 2013?)


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