Night of the Lepus II: LOOK AT THE BONES

"Where is he?"  "I dunno." "Can I eat this?"

"WHHEEEEEE!"

"Who are we looking for again?"  "I dunno. I'm stuffed."  "Where's the phone?"

"BONES... Mr. Bun-Bun's on line one. He wants to know what you're doing in this movie?"

"Oh, Mr. Commuter..."

"Oh, Mr. Commuter..."

Probably only three people will care about this -- and one of them is dead -- but FINALLY, after years of searching, Da-da found a transcript of Steve Martin's 1976 beatnik poetry rant from Saturday Night Live, SNL Episode 5, Second Season, written by Michael O'Donahue. Now all Da-da needs do is make a YouTube post of the sketch and he will have performed his service to humanity. Anyway, here it is, along with a link to the entire sketch transcript. And yes, Da-da was quite young when this came out, but he remembers peeking over the couch to see it (he wasn't supposed to be up).

Rodney (Steve Martin as beatnik): Oh, Mr. Commuter!
Wash me not in your Mad Ave. paint-by-numbers soap,
In your Cheez Whiz TV dinner bathtub graveyard.
Not for me your drip-dry tuna casserole! [bongo rim shot]
Not for me your gray-and-pink poodle FASCISM! [bongo]
I'd rather roll in my own PUKE! [bongo]
Free and proud to smell.
This is poetry!
It does not NEED to rhyme!
Ga ga!
Da da!
God!
Dog!
Dog!
God!

It's Good Friday, Dracula

"Hey, Dracula! We saved you a crucifix and a seat in the front row!"

BLUE CAT ALERT: An Easter Warning

Exhibit A. "Fluffy."

Be warned: in what appears to be yet another manifestation of the Cult of Mr. Bun-Bun, blue cats are appearing all over the Tri-State Area. (The above one just smiled and vanished.) NOTE: If you pet them, your hand will look normal while petting, but if you stop, your hand will turn blue and the cat will look up at you and wonder, "Why did you stop? Can't you pet me FOREVER?" And THEN, you will pet the blue cat forever with your blue hand... kinda like a djinn, but with more tonic.

Da-da is now going to flog himself for such a terrible joke. However, it was Da-da's only line...

Bunbunettes...bunbuneers?... ready themselves for the Easter invasion.

The PTA's Education Consultant Has Risen From the Grave

"Haff you considered anti-plagiarism electro-shock for ze leetle ones?
Third graders are big-time CHEATERS, you know."
(Whoa. Where's Werner Herzog and a baseball bat when you need 'em?)

The Cult of Mr. Bilby Meets Happy Chocolate Reason Day

Hey, kids, it's the Easter Bilby!

Australia has a rather checkered past when it comes to rabbits, so they celebrate Easter with this guy: The Easter Bilby. (Um, a bilby is an animal in Australia, Mr. Clench.) And yes, like other magical rodents, it delivers eggs to children and they devour its chocolate carcass -- which makes total sense, right? Of course, it makes more sense that in the Northern Hemisphere we have a giant RABBIT delivering eggs to children, where we then devour its chocolate carcass. Totally different. And makes a lot more sense.

What makes the MOST sense -- besides the fact that Da-da's sententious emphasis is often in CAPS -- is that in Washington DC, and London, and Paris, and Moscow, and Beijing, and in really every place where politicians hang out and... do... whatever it is they do... they celebrate Easter with this guy...

Politicians love chocolate tortoises. This one is filled with gold bullion.

...which also makes perfect sense. Unfortuntely, it also insults tortoises.

What Easter has become, alas, is a day to devour chocolate animal effigies, or more basically, a day to eat chocolate. So Sunday is "Happy Chocolate Reason Day." THAT makes sense.

"Arr, what a vile and cruel chocolate-craving rodent. LOOK AT THE CHOCOLATE BONES."

The Cult of Mr. Bun-Bun

Mmm, that looks more like a, "hare-don't" to Da-da; Mr. Bun-Bun looks none-too-happy.
He's also pooping on Ann Miller's head. Ah, fashion. Ah, internet Bun-Bun imagery recycling.

That Kubrick Look of Parenthood

Coming Soon: "Harry Potter, the BBC Mini-Series"?

Da-da worked a lot in the late '90s, and wrote a lot into the '00s, and then Bronko and Nagurski came along and needless to say, Da-da lost a good decade-and-a-half in terms of popular culture and entertainment. Long-story-short, Da-da's only now reading the Harry Potter series, primarily because Nagurski is reading them, but we're both enjoying them, third-person violation notwithstanding. Da-da must thank Ms. Rowling for her work, as it's wonderful; he's also quite moved by her history. The first "Harry Potter" movie on the other hand...

We all know -- that's The Royal We -- that movies are rarely, if ever, as good as the book. Notable exceptions are, "The Shawshank Redemption," a short story by Sr. King, and "Bladerunner," based on, "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" by Sr. Dick. Da-da's certainly not here to bitch, not entirely, but he is here to give people ideas.

Fact is, like most books, "Harry Potter," the movie is not as good as, Harry Potter, the book. (Da-da's only seen the first movie, as he's reading the books first; the audio books are first-rate, and are good for young readers listening and following the text.) The reasons for the film being less than spectacular are obvious: Producers had to cut portions, as lame modern audiences won't sit through a four-hour movie, but maybe they don't have to, not all at once. Wait for it...

[Before Da-da goes on, he'd like to say that he's a big fan of "Harry Potter" screenwriter Steven Kloves, who did, "Fabulous Baker Boys," one of Da-da's top three favorite movies, primarily because, as a recovering musician, Da-da lived it. Everyone in, and everything about, that movie is excellent.]

Bronko and Nagurski in the bathroom, c. 2037.

So, howbout, "Harry Potter: The BBC Mini-Series"? But with more character actors and detail. Just recast the whole enchilada and do the whole thing over again, with each season representing one year at Hogwarts, thus bringing back all the detail of the books, and giving a whole new S.L.E.W. of child actors a shot at greatness -- except this time don't make everyone so attractive. Harry should look... well, heartbroken, victimized: vulnerable (read: COMPLEX), like the book. Same with Dumbledore. Da-da likes Richard Harris, but... he's not Dumbledore. Anyway, dig into that rich and ostensibly bottomless British theatrical TRUNK and cast actors that are quirky, not handsome, as everyone's way too good-looking in the 2001 film.

Once upon a time, Da-da was producer of terrible exciting corporate videos, and in his first outing, he made the mistake of letting the director cast everyone.  It was awful. "Grandma" was this perfect "California grandma" archetype, the "kids" and "parents" way too perfect; even the dog was flawless. White teeth, perfect skin, smiley faces, and that was just THE DOG. You wanted to hit the entire smiley happy white people cast with a brick. No reasonable being would trust such a family. Potterwise, with perhaps the exceptions of Ron and Hermione and Prof. McGonagall, everyone is too good looking, especially the other robed kids walking Hogwarts' halls. Even Alan Rickman, who's excellent in everything he's in (Da-da can perpetually see him falling backwards in super-slo-mo off the Nakatomi Building), he still needed greased-down hair and paler make-up to make him look like Snape -- that is, horrid.

Bitch bitch bitch. Basically, there's room for a new BBC TV Mini-Series -- OR, if you must spend a metric tonne of money, an animated version. All Da-da asks for this idea are Hogwarts robes for Bronko and Nagurski. Aaand maybe a little writing or production job for Da-da. He's very responsible. AND housebroken!

[And for the record, Da-da cannot stand Professor Umbridge, having worked for too many of her before. Da-da's only on p. 325 of, Order of the Phoenix, but he can't wait to see what Ms. Rowling has in store for Umbridge's ultimate comeuppance.]

Who will be the new three? Man, talk about winning the child-actor lottery.

For J. K. Rowling: Hi, Ms. Rowling. Da-da thought you'd find this sooner or later. Wonderful work, btw. Da-da loves how you overcame adversity, a story in itself; it made Da-da go to a mainstream chain bookstore to purchase all your books in HB, at full price, something he rarely does, because he felt you deserved it. Anyway, Da-da thought he might be so presumptious as to also share a few sequel ideas, from one author to another -- which you'll no doubt toss out the window, but Da-da thought he'd offer them anyway. So. Harry Potter 8, or somesuch. You could do a prequel about the goblin wars from the 1600s (goblin magic is very interesting), using all the paintings in Hogwarts as tapestry, with some new young heroes who eventually found Hogwarts. Thought that might be fun. Or perhaps have Harry & co, say five years older, going on a long spooky mission where they learn some advanced magic, perhaps how to be an animagus, while dealing with a vampire/djinn invasion, while delving into the theory behind the magic itself (how it works, its Source, potential loss of all magic from the world, etc.). That's all for now. Da-da and his children thank you.  -Dd.

Da-da's Boys, Circa 2042

A disturbing trend, or a disturbed trend?

Rechargeable Leopard Dog FROM BEYOND Goes Swimming

Da-da's dog LOVES the camera.

Planet of the Rechargeable Leopard Dog FROM BEYOND

Da-da's dog is wanted for questioning. AGAIN.

That SEIZURE Look of Parenthood

Would you guys please stop turning the lights on and off? You're giving Ma-ma seizures.

The Cult of Mr. Bun-Bun

Behold the FUZZY BLUE HORROR that is the Cult of Mr. Bun-Bun.
(Can "He Who Must Not Be Caught Without Eggs" be far behind?)

THERE WILL BE FOG

Boys, stop murderin' with scythes and gaffs and finish your homework!

Arrrr,  now it be SPRING, Mr. Clench. Add to that dynamic the wolloping great Climate 2.0 and you'll be lashed to the mast as the planet teeters a-warmin', the planet rolls a-coolin', the planet doin' the nasty hot-cold tango 47 million tacks from port. What does this temperature mixing mean for your children in the next 1000 years? Pirate Da-da has one word for you: FOG.

Yup, it's gonna get foggier, Mr. Teach. It's also gonna get rainier -- well, except for those places that will suffer extreme drought. Needless to say, buy raingear. And a sun hat. And slow down and stop looking at yer damn phone while ye be drivin'. And, in the sad case there be no fog where you be and you desperately NEED SOME FOG, learn to make the below pirate libation and, trust Da-da on this, THERE WILL BE FOG. More fog than you'll like.

Arrr, if ye can't feel yer head, it might not be on yer shoulders.

Remember: there are things in the fog. And they will get you.

Da-da's Cranial Fog Installer

2 oz orange juice
1.5 oz fresh lime
1.5 oz orgeat or simple syrup (if you make your own, add a clove)
1.5 oz light rum
 0.5 oz dark rum (float it)
1 oz cherry brandy
1 oz gin
dash of amaretto
8 oz (1 c.) crushed ice

Put it all in a blender and blend for 5 seconds, or a cocktail shaker will do nicely. Pour unstrained and unrestrained into a tall glass. Garnish with lime and a cherry. (LIME, not lemon, ya fo'c'sle swab. Zombie pirates don't use lemon.) Oh, and leave your keys with mama.

Arr, this be a Friday kinda grog. No more than three of these, or you'll go all BLADERUNNER in yer head, matey. You'll do questionable things, arrr...

Oops, that's SMOG, not fog. And that's Beijing, not BLADERUNNER. Yikes. Waiter...?

Mr. Bun-Bun Might Be Late

(If you're the artist, let Da-da know so he can credit you.)

Mr. Bun-Bun's REVENGE is a Dish Best Served Cold. In the Bushes. With a Little Salt and Pepper.

Michael Sowa is one of Da-da's favorite artists.

That Tuesday Allegory of Parenthood

Pretty much says it all.

Da-da's Goo-Goo Goggles...

Boy. These Goo-Goo Goggles make Da-da look $exy. And now he can SEE... more branding. Wow.
It's like the world, but with more ADS. Mmm, good plan. Where's Da-da's hammer?

[NOTE: For the second time, Google has completely wiped out Da-da's feed subscribers for Da-da lampooning Google. Google should be embarrassed by such an utter lack of a sense of humor. Time for a look at migrating to WordPress, alas.]

Is It T-Ball, or a Bezier Curve?

Is it T-ball? Or is it a Bezier Curve?
T-ball rarely displays variability in P1, but maybe it's BEZIER PLAYING T-BALL.
Aha. Another great mystery solved. Nice hit, Bez. NOW RUN TO FIRST...

Neanderthal Mystery SOLVED? (or, "Pay No Attention to the Hot Neanderthal Behind the Curtain")

The reason why Cro-Magnon died out has been well established (too many attorneys), but scientists
are rabid to know: WHAT ABOUT NEANDERTHALS? Did they become scientists... or supermodels??

Scientists seem to want to know... nay, NEED to know the answer to: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE NEANDERTHALS? Despite their larger brains, did the Neanderthals suffer such slow cranial nerve speed due to their overly large eyes, causing them to be such slow mental processors that they couldn't keep up with the incredibly smart and wonderful (and murderous) Homo sapiens invaders?

Old paradigm.

Happy Pi Day!

Ta da!

Parenting Gestures You Can Use (#4 in a Series)

Parenting Gesture #7b. Do not imagine gunplay in house, or there will be... trouble. Da-da kung fu is very powerful. And that white hair showed up overnight. SCARY.

Da-da's Gothic Home Improvement for the Haunted Parent

Never let children manage home improvement.
At least we now have artificial gravity. On the walls.

It's Always Cat Superlatives Week

You know the studio had to glue that poor cat's foot to the door to make this gag work.

The One Where Da-da Calls for the End of Discovery

The Discovery Channel: Where the 'N' stands for knowledge.

It's Come to This, Mr. Muffin Pants

You always need special java with these recipes... and, well, for every other time.

Yes, it's a post about muffins. MUFFINS.

Someone has obviously been dumping phthalates into Da-da's water supply again, as his testosterone levels must have shrunk to an all-time low FOR HIM TO WRITE ABOUT MUFFINS. Thing is, Da-da likes muffins. He even knows, "the muffin technique." Wouldn't YOU like to know. Damn, can there be an event horizon for men watching children too long??

So, since no one will shoot Da-da, he'll be forced to write about tasty, high-fiber muffins. Feel free to kill Da-da anytime.

That Bladerunner Look of Parenthood

WARNING: Da-da Is NOT to Be Taken Internally

Hello, all. Note that you can now LISTEN to select posts, some of them originating from ancient university lecture halls from another dimension.

Try one HERE. 

And listen to awesome Da-da Theme HERE.

Not to be taken internally. Void where void-y. You might want to mute the whole damn thing.

Da-da's Psychotronic Catalog of Extreme Mental and Physical States of Quasi-Parental Vagabondage

Exhibit 127. "The Substitute Teacher."

Pater-Morphology/-Morbidity: In this frightening example of Quasi-Parental Volition Cascade (QPVC), a quasi-parental subject -- in this case a substitute teacher (seen here with Bronko and Nagurski in their typical, Rousseauian state) -- will need be on their guard almost constantly. Turning one's back on highly intelligent and rabid frankenspawn (that is, children) is wholly contraindicated for all save for those extensively trained in the martial arts. However, after an assertive, two-fisted propriocentrist quasi-parental guidance session, 89% of no-neck lawn gorillas will drop their weapons and sullenly stand down... but watch your back. Freud and Jung, in a rare agreement, called QPVC, "The plateau of death." Oddly enough, psychologists and neurologists studying this all-too-common malady have determined that the future is doomed for male childcare workers over the age of 40 (slow reflexes and all that).

LISTEN to a bad old Oxbridge recording of the above

That OBSOLETE Look of Parenthood

Alas, Da-da discovered this on his toe this morning. New Da-da's on the market apparently last longer,
use way less resources, and sync up automatically with most networks. They're also a lot simpler.
Da-da's... well, COMPLEX. And while he's still an old pull-starter model, O the torque...

The PARENTAL TARDIS and YOU

What's all this, then? Da-da is actually a PARENTAL TARDIS: he parents bigger on the inside than on the outside. That's a real shirt, btw, available through ThinkGeek. Da-da wants one.
(Note: Da-da receives no compensation for saying that. Sniff.)

A Sign Unto You

Guess Da-da's yelling parenting was disturbing the neighbors.

Parenting Gestures You Can Use (#3 in a Series)

Parentwise, this is about as self-explanatory as it gets.