Forget It, Jake. It's Bunnytown (or, "Bizarro Easter Bunny Q+A")

GAP SOCKS?? Like that's gonna save you, BWAAHHHHAHAAAA!

Because of Da-da's awesome work as BAD MALL SANTA DA-DA, Da-da's been sentenced to being the Easter Bunny at a local amusement park, virtually guaranteeing that Da-da will have a long and lame career sweating inside humiliating costumes, listening to Generation WAH. For this latest gig, Da-da Bun-bun had to show up for "training and motion repatterning," so he could learn how to be the Easter Bunny. (Seriously.) Da-da is now an expert at wiggling his nose and fuzzy butt and hopping in a less-than-deleterious fashion -- hopefully one that makes you spend more money in the gift shop.

Now, the Easter Bunny is basically a bizarre creation, which is a prime reason for Da-da to emulate him. (Da-da's guessing it's a he, even though he's now technically an "it," if you can figure that one out.) But a rabbit that delivers painted eggs is so nonsensical that it begins to make perfect sense. What doesn't make sense is WHY children feel compelled to KICK and PUNCH the freakin' Easter Bunny.


Da-da went out into the park after his insipid, "movement training" class ("Hop like THIS..."), only to suffer repeated physical abuse from psychotic little drool puppies and SDVs (Snot Delivery Vehicles) on the way to his magic mushroom of pain. Da-da can understand the abuse of a beloved mythical woodland creature, as all kids are pretty much psychotic till they're 40. All instances of fairy tale abuse aside, below are actual questions posed to The Easter Bunny (aka, Da-da Bun-bun), his answers [in brackets]:

Top Ten Questions Kids Ask The Easter Bunny

1. "Easter Bunny, are there freeways on Mars?" [Of course. But no rest stops.]
2. "Are you a real rabbit?" [No. I'm a crocodile in a suit.]
3. "Are you made of chocolate?" [Bite me.]
4. "Why do you hide eggs?" [I'm ovo-intolerant.]
5. "Can you float in the air?" [Only on breaks.]
6. "Easter Bunny, can I live where you live?" [Forget it, kid. It's Bunnytown.]
7. "I don't believe in the Easter Bunny." [Ever seen a bunny cry?]
8. "Is your friend a magic chicken?" [We're more than friends.]
9. "Why do you carry a basket?" [Because if I put it in my pocket it chafes.]
10. "How do you clean your fur?" [At the laundromat.]

The Easter Bunny is waiting for you to go to sleep, kid.