Da-da's Patented Jelly Belly Flavors You'll Probably Never Taste. Probably.

Photo: Michele Humes

Da-da would say he doesn't like candy much, but perhaps the flavors he likes have yet to be invented. Someone get right on that.

After being forced to tour one of the Jelly Belly factories, Da-da was of course intrigued by the "disgusting" flavors offered at the tasting counter. You've probably already read about these, but the very real flavors are:

Black Pepper (Da-da liked this one)
Booger (Da-da's booger or someone else's?)
Candyfloss (meh)
Dirt (tasted like dirt, sweet dirt; mmm... dirt)
Earthworm (ew)
Earwax (uh uh)
Grass (grassy)
Rotten Egg (nope)
Sausage (yum)
Soap (bleah)
Barf (nope)
Canned Dog Food (tasted exactly like canned dog food; don't ask)
Skunk Spray (nope)
Centipede (yup, tasted like centipede: minerals and... well, purple)
Baby Wipes (gag)
Moldy Cheese (meh)
Pencil Shavings (not bad)
Toothpaste (ok, if you like toothpaste; def. one you turn to after centipede)

These little bites of horror can be ordered here: Jelly Belly Roulette.

The one flavor everyone raved about -- Buttered Popcorn -- was so revolting that Da-da spit it out immediately. Bronko and Nagurski and Ma-ma had similar reactions. However, all agreed that Kiwi was incredible, fresh and vibrant.

Now that that's over with, please allow Da-da to think outside the candy box. What you don't know is that Da-da has an eidetic sensory memory, AND he's also what's known as a "supertaster." That is, his taste apparatus can dissect air, food, drink, sauces, etc. to determine source flavors (or in some cases, contaminants), which is kinda handy if you're trying to steal some saucier's mojo -- but it's terribly annoying if you're just trying to be a human on the surface of Monsantoville. So, what does this have to do with jelly beans?

All of the above, when coupled with Da-da's Improbability Memory Drive, provides Da-da with a fairly massive internal catalog of dynamic taste sensations -- all of which are real flavors experienced by Da-da (like centipede... bleah), or in some cases extrapolated (e.g., "cubicle"). Anyway, here are some new Jelly Belly flavors floating around Da-da's head. Some will be obvious, while others require more in the way of a combined taste description (in parentheses), as you'll see.

DA-DA'S PATENTED JELLY BELLY FLAVORS


EVENT FLAVORS

Chili Cookoff -- (Mild, Spicy, Omigod, Verde, Bowl of Red, etc.)
BBQ Cookoff -- (Memphis, Kansas City, Texas, Louisiana, S. Carolina, N. Carolina, E. Carolina, W. Carolina, Alabama White, Kentucky Black, Tennessee Whiskey, Korean, Chinese, etc.)
Garlic Festival -- (Tastes like Gilroy)

TRAVEL FLAVORS

Cornish Pasty
Airplane Air
Paris Train Station Ham + Cheese-on-Baguette Sandwich
Asian Breakfast
Tibetan Butter Tea
Montrachet
Sauterne

SPORTS FLAVORS

Kentucky Derby -- (Tastes like Mint Julep + Old Money)
Indy 500 -- (Milk + Methanol)
Nascar -- (Tequila, Gatorade, Methanol, Red Bull, Lip Gloss, and Cheetos)
Formula 1 -- (Champagne + Caviar + L'Oreal)

Golf

Arnold Palmer -- (Sweet Iced Tea + Lemon)
Minty Arnold Palmer -- (Sweet Iced Tea + Mint)
Nine Iron -- (Steel, Grass, Hot Dog, Pilsner, Frustration)
The Rough -- (Grass, Leaves, Bark, Dirt, Anger, Resignation)
19th Hole -- (Dewar's, Ashtray, Steak Sandwich, Fries)

NOSTALGIA FLAVORS

Jr. High

Hormones
Loogie
Trash can
Locker
Jock strap
Old Spice
Sweatsock
Lip Gloss
Crush

High School

Backseat -- (Vinyl, Saliva, Pheromone, Cherry Coca Cola)
Band Room -- (Valve Oil, Cheeseburgers, Fear)

College

Tequila
Stale Beer
Fish Taco
Tequila/Fish Taco Barf
Cold Pizza
Clove Cigarette
"Special" Brownie
Wholesome Girlfriend -- (Soap + Corn + Philosophy)
Art School Girlfriend -- (Cloves + Ashtray + Vodka + Titanium White)
Chemistry Dept. -- (Acetone, Sulfur, Bunsen Burner)
Engineering Dept. -- (Corn Nuts, Pizza, Burnt Circuitry, Linoleum, Sexual Frustration)
Physics Dept. -- (Other Dimension)
Dorm -- (Socks, Pizza, Stale Beer, Marijuana, Playing Cards, Bleach)
OPB -- (Other People's Barf)

Work

Drive-in -- (Dusk, Popcorn, Snickers, Chili Dog, Exhaust)
Cubicle -- (Pepto Bismol, Vodka, Mint, Dread)
Chinese Factory -- (Sweet-n-sour, Sodium Bisulphate, Monkey's Paw, Firecracker)

The '60s

Ashtray
JP-5/Jet Fuel
Pan Am  -- (Ashtray, JP-5 Jet Fuel, Vodka)
Frank Sinatra -- (Bourbon, Ashtray, Self-doubt)
Vespers Martini (gin + vodka + Lillet + lemon)
Manhattan
Patchouli

The '70s

Sweat
Leather
Shag Carpeting (GREEN)
Brut by Faberge
High Karate
Hostess Cupcake
Twinkie

The '80s

Greed -- (Money, Sour Lime, Mint, Flint)

The '90s

Greed -- (Money, Sour Lime, Mint, Flint)

The Zeroes

Greed -- (Money, Sour Lime, Mint, Flint)

ASIAN FLAVORS

Genmaicha -- (Green Tea, Toasted Brown Rice)
Miso
Sushi Bar -- (Maguro, Rice, Soy Sauce, Wasabi, Sake)
Tofu -- (Absolutely Nothing)
BBQ pork chow mein
Manchurian Beef
Pork Fried Rice
Sweet and Sour Pork
Karoake (Sushi, Soy Sauce, Wasabi, Sake, Embarrassment)

HISTORICAL FLAVORS

Mu -- (Sea Water, Flowers)
Atlantis -- (Sea Water, Burnt Technology, Power Crystals, Incense, Hubris)
Mummy -- (Mummy Powder, Natron, Sweat, Sand)
Hobnail Boot -- (Leather, Brass, Sweat, Toejam)
Marble Statue -- (Stone, Rope, Donkey, Sweat)
Roman Emperor -- (Untempered Red Wine, Anise, Blood, Power)
Castle -- (Stone, Boiling Oil, Anthrax, Heather)
D-Day -- (Fear, Saltwater, Gunpowder, Cordite, Diesel Fuel, Blood)
Ganges -- (Water, Incense, Burned Bodies, Flowers, Sewage)

And of course...

PARENTHOOD FLAVORS!

Cheerios -- (Cheerios)
Old Coffee -- (Old Coffee)
Sippy Cup -- (Stale Juice, Mold, Plastic)
Fatigue -- (Old Coffee, Ashtray, Mac-n-cheese, Baby Wipes)
Insanity -- (Licorice, Old Coffee, Ashtray, Baby Wipes, Plastic, Concrete, Nylon Strap)

Yes, "Insanity" is the Patron Flavor of Parenthood 2.0! You heard it here, first.

LOOK at all those flavor moments.