Grampa Scotty vs. The Pepper Monsters

It's Grampa Scotty's birthday (wow, THIRTY... million years... wait, that's Da-da), so Da-da thought he'd dredge up some terrible, painful memory and make fun of it -- painful for Grampa Scotty, that is.

The scene: the bleak green shag of the Seventies. Grampa Scotty was wearing some open-collared disco shirt (and yeah, gold chains, chest hair). He's tan, and he's makin' GAZPACHO. (For those of you in Nebraska, gazpacho is a cold, andalusian/portuguese soup made from fresh tomatoes, cukes, onions, peppers, lime or lemon, parsley or cilantro, S&P, etc. It's refreshing, especially in the summer, and especially if it's summer in the desert where Da-da grew up.) Grandma Scotty, still hot and yes, tan, wearing some '70s floral shirt-caftan thing, was making something else, Da-da can't remember what. Coffee maybe, knowing her. Young Master Da-da was using G.I. Joes and duct tape and a rubber chicken to contain a radioactive leak from... well, from something.

As it turned out, Grampa Scotty was also wearing his glasses, but he'd just bought some of the new (at the time) soft lens contacts. His glasses were falling down his nose while trying to chop hot peppers, so he went to put in his contacts, located in a bathroom on the other side of the house. Can you see where this train's gonna wreck?

Thirty seconds later...

Grampa Scotty's horrible screams sounded from the far side of the house, the screams leaking through the windows and echoing off the surrounding scrubby hills.

Da-da looked up in alarm... but Grandma Scotty wasn't freaking out. No. She was laughing, despite the howls of pain coming from the other side of the house.

Grampa Scotty soon returned, still wearing his glasses. His eyes were horribly, horribly red. He was not happy.

Yes, Grandma Scotty already called it: Grampa Scotty failed to wash his hands before putting in his contacts, so his eyes were basically bathed in hot pepper oil. Poor guy couldn't see for the rest of the day.

Anyway, Happy Birthday Grampa Scotty. Here's hoping you've either learned your lesson, or secured some meds for Grandma Scotty, who always seemed to be laughing whenever you're gravely injured.


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