Pay No Attention to the Clown Tunneling Beneath the Curtain

Are tunneling clowns inducing weird vibes? Da-da doesn't think so, either.
Da-da takes everything at face value, as the world is too weird and open to too much interpretation to do otherwise. He's also too tired from speed-crawling the 24/7 parenting treadmill, so Da-da's gray matter might be a little vitric and incapable of following the latest-greatest. Indeed, Da-da often gets his news these days by way of his 4 and 6YO charges, Bronco and Nagurski, who occasionally have odd bits wash up on their rarified playground shores. Da-da sees this as a reliable filter, as whatever's important or interesting often shakes to the surface of playground immediacy.

That said, playgrounds in Da-da's event horizon are abuzz with stories of humming and vibrations in the sky and underground, driving people crazy in Russia, Europe, the U.S., etc.  These unusual events have been reported by multiple credible witnesses (in some cases by whole towns, mayor included), but no one seems to be offering any solutions. How could they? So, since these kids' ideas and opinions are just as valid as that of the NY Times (perhaps more so, as kids have no agenda), Da-da asked his boys and their 4-6YO classmates just who or what they think is causing the humming and/or vibrations, and recorded the kids' list of responses.

1. Monsters. (Of course.) Monsters live underground and fly in the air, and do all kinds of incomprehensible things, so they're #1 on the list. They also need lots of room, as they're big and smelly and loud and want nothing to do with other monsters, hence the subterranean expansion. This also aptly describes both demographics and goings-on at Capitol Hill.

2. Aliens. This is what most folks think of when something odd occurs, unless they have devils or ghosts on the brain. UFO sightings have been increasing recently, which means that increasing numbers of folks are either whacko, or they're really seeing something out of the ordinary (perhaps a bit of both). Taken at face value, the large volume of recent UFO sightings could make one ask: "Where are all these beings going? And where are they parking that Astrodome-sized UFO?" Since they aren't landing on the Whitehouse lawn (jeez, why would you want to?), they could be parking in underground UFO parking garages and munching on virgins (that's why there are so few), far away from prying eyes and strip mall gawkers.

3. The government. Regardless of how many underground military facilities there really are (here's a comprehensive list), government types and their spooky subcontractors are constantly spending all kinds of taxpayer moolah for all kinds of ridiculous subterranean secret thingies. Da-da doesn't care why anymore (which is exactly how "they" want you to feel, so consider Da-da a success!), because secret government diggers are gonna secretly dig, perhaps to hide the secret little crumbs they've stolen obtained from alien donuts, perhaps to safeguard the secret Thirteen who are so important that they need their own enormous self-contained underground worlds, or perhaps to store millions of Bakugans, who knows? Just don't get Da-da started on HAARP. Anyway, like he said, Da-da doesn't care anymore, so good luck with all that, Mr. MIB. Of course, this Nazi nightmare train naturally leads us to...

4. Aliens AND the government, which are one and the same to some. This isn't surprising, as these entities operate in similar fashions and, if you think about it, really deserve one another.

5. Clowns. Clowns? Sure. Clowns are spooky and want to kill you. Everyone knows that. Ever wonder why you don't see them all the time? It's because they secret themselves underground in huge, horrifying Clown Catacombs. C'mon, they're always popping up in storm drains while humming a happy tune, so this is entirely logical.

And now Da-da's additions to the list:

6. Sandworms. This is the best of all possible outcomes. Huge sand worms (from Frank Herbert's DUNE series) are underground right now eating everything in sight, preparing to burst aboveground and eat Republicans and Democrats, bloggers and doomsayers alike, creating what Da-da calls, "The Sandworm Party," just in time for the 2012 elections. Grab your maker hooks, Stilgar!

7. Visionaries. Visionaries? You know, like the former insurance broker who carved his own private church out of solid rock (nine ornate temples on five levels) beneath Alp foothills outside of Turin. For all anyone knows, there could be millions of whackos visionaries hewing troglodytic cathedrals below our feet, creating all sorts of shrines and bomb shelters and amphitheaters, eventually joining with the aliens and the government to occasionally play laser tag in their off-digging-hours.

8. Fracking. Also known as, "high-volume horizontal hydraulic fracturing," or "hydrofracking," this is the still-legal and quite unfunny process of injecting water into natural gas fields to get more natural gas out of the rock, while also yielding zillions of gallons of corrosive-salt-laden wastewater, as well as carcinogens like benzene and radioactive elements like radium (which occurs naturally underground), making drinking water undrinkable after they dump said wastewater into rivers and streams. This practice is illuminated in the documentary, "Gasland," by Josh Fox. Fracking could also be upsetting underground substrates, causing huge subterranean shifting, thus creating vibrations, humming, etc. In some places, you can actually light the water from your faucet, giving off a blue flame. Seriously not funny.

9. It's natural. This is by far the most ominous of all possible outcomes, and the most plausible. The planet is changing, no matter who or what is to blame, and things will never be the same. It's possible that underground rivers are redirecting themselves, tectonic plates shifting, the atmosphere oscillating, the weather vibrating, the mantle mamboing, all in new and horrifying ways. Or not.

10. All of the above. This is a lame capper, especially considering Da-da's earlier damnation of the Top 10 List. Then again, why would you ever expect consistency from someone who has nothing left inside his head? For all Da-da knows, the huge lifeless plain in his head may be creating some kind of harmonic synchronization with those empty craniums running nearly every country on earth, which may be the most frightening of all.

It doesn't matter what's causing the humming, o'course. Gophers are gonna gopher, HAARP's gonna HAARP, aliens are gonna alien, and secret government agencies are gonna secretly govern... whatever. Da-da's not gonna worry about it and neither should you. If your house is vibrating due to some underground phenomena, you can either crank up the tunes (or maybe down, as AC/DC cranked up to 11 might just be the cause), or chat with other sensor-neighbors, make a map of the disturbances and start tracking it. Then again, those of us in The Sandworm Party know precisely what's going on. 

Next stop: Monsanto.

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