Schrödinger's Cat Has Been Drinking

Quantum parenting is here. Hope you took your meds. Keep making strange, charmed lefts.

Today is Quantum Parenting Day, yay, for many reasons. Da-da sees many of you are asleep. Hey! You in the back! Wake up and smell the Heisenberg Uncertainty.

So. Just like in Schrödinger's famous feline thought experiment of the '30s, Da-da was today placed in a sealed box with a poison dispenser and an atomic squirrel. A Geiger counter was included in Da-da's windbreaker (why he needs one in a wind-less box is a puzzle) to measure radiation if at some point a squirrely atom leaped off the squirrel. Should that happen, the Geiger counter would trigger the release of cyanide gas within the box, killing Da-da AND the squirrel. Jeez, who's idea was this?

The idea behind Schrodinger's thought experiment is that it's impossible to know whether or not Da-da is alive or dead without opening the box and observing his lifeless bulk, or that of the poor radioactive squirrel, and that until that happens, BOTH realities exist. Indeed, Da-da feels both alive and dead simultaneously, which explains parenthood nicely. This is known as Parental Superposition. (Complicating matters, it's kinda tough to determine if Da-da is alive or dead most days, anyway, so whatever.) Why is Da-da telling you this? Because it will be impacting (or perhaps composting) your lives, shortly. ('Impacting' isn't a word, anyway.)

Regardless, Quantum parenting is almost here. No. Wait. It IS here. Parenting is already so fast, it makes Da-da look like... well, Da-da. Quantum parenting relies heavily on superposition, that "alive or dead," "off or on," omniversal anything-can-happen state transposed onto YOU, the parent, simultaneously, raising parallel parenting speeds several orders of magnitude. This itself is very confusing, especially for Da-da, whose confusion was raised several orders of magnitude when his own children were born. Are you getting all this?

Ahem. Any time a macro-bizarro parental condition exists in a micro-bizarro parental condition, it's called a Schrödinger's Da-da. (It is, too.) Why anyone needs to know this is yet another puzzling scientific thingie that no one could possibly ever understand, even with Heisenberg sitting next to you as you go through the drive-thru. French toast, please.

Quantum parenting can be very confusing.