Thermostat Wars

(source img: artist Julia Jacquette)

Since the one side of "Man" got power-of-attorney over our species' nomenclatural designation, it's been the same old conflict: WHAT temperature will make both women and men happy? We all know the answer -- and the ancient reasons for the hoary custom of segregation of the sexes. Is there a solution? No. Well... no. Ok, but maybe if... no.

Awright, Da-da will try to fix the unfixable, but don't get your hopes up. Here's what we could do:

1. Crank all thermostats up 85 degrees (yes, in WINTER, Mr. Attorney). Note that this higher temperature puts tons and tons of additional carbon dioxide and heat and methane and schmutz into the atmosphere, working towards ever increasing levels of greenhouse gases and global warming to the point that civilization ends, but it's WOMEN'S COMFORT and cuddle-receptivity we're talking about, so the planet can go pound sand (um, like the last planet we ruined, and then we had to come to this one).


2. In this steamy environment, have all women wear fleece. SEXY FLEECE. In layers. About nine or ten layers. Of fleece and wool, alternatively. And big ol' faux-fur-lined boots. Now you know how men feel all the time.


3. Have all men wear the thinnest t-shirts available (preferably tie-dyed) and thin cotton boxers with little Yodas on them. Why? BECAUSE YODA IS SEXY. (Shut up. Too, he is.)


4. All women then must eat carbs. LOTS OF CARBS: BISCUITS, GRAVY, PANCAKES, RICE, BARLEY, SYRUP, PIZZA AND CHOCOLATE... all at the same time. This will boost female somatic heat indices. Meanwhile, all men must eat nothing and drink lots of water. When men are forced to either eat or die, they can have grapefruit and rainwater. This will halt metabolic activity and keep men feeble and cool, where women like them.

Voila. Problem solved. Men will naturally lose weight and be perpetually cold and easy to control and women will bake and not mind at all being a bit zaftig and in charge... which will make nearly everyone happy, overall. Nearly everyone.

Honey, that's warm enough.