Applied Tiki Dynamics

What the hell does this have to do with anything? Just you WAIT, menehune-breath.

At six, Da-da's oldest boy, Nagurski, has developed a fear of monsters... which is a bit later than normal, but these things happen. To combat this, Da-da did three things:

1. He started numbering everything in sight
2. He told his boys that the family had INTENTIONALLY moved to the town they live in because monsters HATE that town, and also because everyone seems to be CAPITALIZING EVERYTHING for emPHASIS, and...
3. Da-da installed tikis.

What? Tikis, you say? Why's that? Because...

Spooky Space-Tiki Pole Found in Space (SPOOKY!)

Sure, the auroras are pretty, but look at that alien Spooky Space-tiki Pole!

This just in... a weird, Spooky Space-tiki Pole has been discovered floating in space next to the space shuttle Atlantis. Besides being SPOOKY, and a little redundant, Spooky Space-tiki Pole apparently brandishes the following magical powers:

1. Spooky Space-tiki Pole knows all the words sung to all the annoying songs in Disneyland's, "Enchanted Tiki Room," and sings them all day and all night.
2. Spooky Space-tiki Pole makes pretty aurorae and great fries.
3. Spooky Space-tiki Pole makes sexy, "Ooo, AHH, Ooo, tiki-tiki," noises when you dance with it.
4. Spooky Space-tiki Pole is great for impromptu cargo bay limbo or Int'l Space Station tiki-fu quarterstaff action.
5. Spooky Space-tiki Pole makes all NASA/ESA personnel not only fertile again (the MIBs sterilized them all back in '84), but also... well, ANXIOUS, ifyouknowwhatimeanandithinkyoudo. Be prepared for a mini-astro-baby-boom.
6. Alien characters on Spooky Space-tiki Pole have been translated as saying, "Property of Adventureland. Possession of Spooky Space-tiki Pole invokes Disney Executive Order #33, thus activating frontal lobe implants and inducing expensive family vacation expenditures to Disney properties, with tickets now only $300/day per person...." C'mon. You always knew Disney was an alien construct.
7. Like the Monolith from 2001, Spooky Space-tiki Pole has the power to embed pineapple chunks into ALL food on the surface of the earth.
8. Spooky Space-tiki Pole takes the "NAH" outta NASA. (Ok, it doesn't. Nothing will.)
9. Spooky Space-tiki Pole is always intense -- and fun!
   
10. Spooky Space-tiki Pole contains all the pent-up tiki power of the omniverse. Do not taunt Spooky Space-tiki Pole.

Here are some Da-da prepared for earlier shuttle missions.

Evolution in Action

After dropping the monkeys off for primate reconditioning and repatterning (read SUMMER SCHOOL), Da-da was running errands. He was waiting to cross a busy street when he noticed a tuned-out, slack-jawed tween with requisite iPod earbuds plugging his ears, obviously listing to the latest from Ten Miles of Bad Road (or perhaps Screaming Naked Lizard Under Glass), totally oblivious to his surroundings. The light changed -- that is, for the other direction -- but the kid wasn't paying attention and couldn't hear anything, so HE STEPPED OFF THE CURB IN FRONT OF AN ONCOMING BUS.  Not just any bus. It was one of those monster accordion buses that takes several years to stop even when the driver's paying attention. Sure, it was only going about 35 mph, but at any speed, a 50,000 lb. bus goes over an 80 lb. kid with nothing left over. Do the math, Dracula.

Rather than spend hours talking to the police about what happened, Da-da reached out very quickly (Da-da has what we in the British Navy call, FAST HANDS) and yanked the kid back to the curb just before the bus turned him into so much raspberry jam. The bus rocketed past, the rush of air from so much mass quite impressive. The dumb kid just blinked at Da-da, still not registering... you know, THE NATURAL WORLD. Da-da yanked the earbuds out of the kid's ears and yelled, slowly, and for effect:

"USE YOUR SENSE ORGANS AND LIVE." 

Words to live by. Know it, learn it, live it. Jangled and factoring an impossible quadratric, the kid wandered off to his next accident, while Da-da went and bought plastic tikis and leis. Da-da's just that way. It's Evolution in Action.

"AH, OOO, AH, TIKI TIKI..."