Tuesday's Child is Full of SPACE

Tusken Grampa #1

The Empire Sells Out

The Enemy Within

"Captain, cable's out again, sir."

Darth-n-Drac #1

Is That YOUR Kid?

*** A MOM-COM-PAC ADVISORY ***

...START TRANSMISSION...

FROM MOM-COM-PAC 08:25:03 GMT 26-4-13HAVING EXPLODED AT 3:06:15 GMT, DA-DA'S ERUPTION SHOWS NO SIGN OF ABATEMENT. MOM-COM-PAC THEREBY ADVISES ALL PERSONS WITHIN A HUNDRED MILE RADIUS OF DA-DA'S HEAD TO EVACUATE THE TRI-STATE AREA IMMEDIATELY. COOPERATION WITH ALL MOM-COM-PAC PTA AUTHORITY INSTRUCTIONS WITHIN THE CORDON AREA IS MANDATORY, LIKE THAT'S EVER GONNA CHANGE. ABSOLUTELY *NO* EYE CONTACT IS TO BE MADE WITH THE ERUMPENT DA-DA DURING THIS TIME.

MOM-COM-PAC OUT

...END TRANSMISSION... 

MAKE *NO* EYE CONTACT WITH DA-DA... REPEAT... MAKE *NO* EYE CONTACT WITH DA-DA...

*** MESSAGE FROM MOM-COM-PAC FOLLOWS ***

"DAD-SERV-PAC is down!"

...START TRANSMISSION...

FROM MOM-COM-PAC 00:25:01 GMT 26-4-13

DA-DA'S HEAD EXPLODED AT 3:06:15 GMT AFTER A LONG BOUT OF THE NOW INFAMOUS WEEKDAY, "PUT YOUR DAMN SHOES ON," RITUAL PLAYED OUT AT DA-DA'S SUBTERRANEAN FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE LOCATED IN THE BOOLEAN NETHER REGIONS. THE CRANIAL EVENT OCCURRED WHEN 6YO OMNI-INTRANSIGENT -- CODE-NAME, "BRONKO" -- INEXPLICABLY REFUSED TO PUT HIS SHOES ON WITHOUT HAVING TO DEPLOY THE DD-870 SHODINATOR (DA-DA/DAD-SERV-PAC). THIS DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE 6YO OMNI-INTRANSIGENT WAS PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF PUTTING ON HIS OWN DAMN SHOES.

DAD-SERV-PAC image from MOM-COM-PAC.

REPEATEDLY FAILING TO UNTIE ONE SHOE'S LACES, DA-DA'S CRANIAL PRESSURE SPIKED AND NOMINAL OPERATIONAL STATUS WAS LOST. THE SYSTEM SCRAMBLED AND COULD NOT BE RESTORED, RESULTING IN CATASTROPHIC ONTOLOGICAL FAILURE.

THE FORCE OF THE BLAST WAS FELT BY FELINE UNITS IN THE OTHER ROOM. BRONKO'S BROTHER, 7.8YO OMNI-INTRANSIGENT, "NAGURSKI," REPORTEDLY SAID TO HIS BROTHER: "YOU'RE GONNA GET IT, NOW." 

MUCH OF DA-DA'S HEAD IS MISSING AND PRESUMED LOST. SUBSEQUENT RESPONSES FROM RESIDUAL BLOBBY PORTIONS VACILLATE BETWEEN CHRISTMAS AND BEING ROASTED ALIVE. COMMAND HAS REPEATEDLY NOTED THAT DA-DA'S HEAD WASN'T WORKING VERY WELL PRIOR TO THE BLAST, ANYWAY. A CONCRETE TRUCK HAS BEEN DISPATCHED TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE. 

MOM-COM-PAC OUT

...END TRANSMISSION... 

"Huh. Da-da's head exploded. Again."

"Da-da, What Do You Do All Day While We're in School?"

Da-da works on his new book.

Harry Potter, Hogwarts Ave LIVE

Harry had to do something after defeating Voldemort.

Da-da was flipping through his old vinyl when 7YO Nagurski spotted this John Lennon album over his shoulder, pointing at the image and saying, "Da-da look! It's a Harry Potter record! That must be what he did after defeating Voldemort." Interesting archetype, don't you think? And it gives Ms. Rowling a new '70s, "Almost Famous" direction for #8...

Young Master Lennon... er, Potter.

Da-da's Open Letter to Trader Joe's and Whole Foods UPDATED

What do giant baby heads and hallucinations have to do with food? Read on, MacDuff. (Da-da loves Phineas and Ferb, btw.)

Those few within Da-da's Event Horizon know that Da-da loves Trader Joe's, and likes Whole Foods. He admires how much they care about providing safe, healthy food, which is not as easy as you'd think, as well as those who bring the end result to you, Mrs. J. Chong Rutherford of St. Ottery on the Catchpole. (We have a scope on you, now.) Just look at other food chains and how much they care about you -- and how happy their employees look -- and you'll perhaps begin to admire how hard TJ's and Whole Paycheck... er, Whole Foods works for you.

(Ok, YES, Da-da has been critical of Whole Fuds in the past. And YES, this resulted in the consumption of Jack Daniels and LIVE CRABS and the inevitable purchase of a minivan, but it's time we put that terrifying episode behind us, Mr. Potter, and work together for common huggage. Da-da will stop preambling and get to the point.

QUESTION: How many of Trader Joe's and Whole Food's products contain genetically modified organisms (GMOs)? Not just the branded food, but all the rest of it? Da-da would like to know. A lot of people would. Some countries have banned them -- GMOs, not people, though this is occasionally true, like in DC. In non-GMO countries, Da-da's guessing that GMO foods were banned for a good reason.

Here's one good reason Da-da's sure some have forgotten.

Da-da knows this is a difficult topic. Why? Because it look at that thing about our society places people over money, or animals over people, or people over other people, who are really all the same people but don't seem to understand this. Some people cling to this tactic (making them one of THOSE PEOPLE), despite the fact that they're only hurting themselves with this rambunctious behavior. Speaking of that, an NPR food reporter once bold-face-lied to Da-da about Monsanto NOT producing any GMO seedstock (back in 2007), lying not once but THREE TIMES, and refusing to support sustainability, which Da-da found unfortunate. However, things are usually a lot easier to understand when one just follows the money.

Monsanto is friendly!

Said money -- a metric crapload of it -- leads to Monsanto and ConAgra, who now have get-out-of-jail-free cards thanks to a paid-for U.S. Congress, and little in the way of criticism thanks to a paid-for corporate media. If you doubt this, prove Da-da wrong and he will sing your Hosannas of Truth to the Four Winds and give you $20 in unmarked bills (it's all Da-da's got, sorry; he spends all is money on FOOD, remember?).

Please note that Da-da is NOT an activist. Da-da is a DA-DA (hence the eponymous title) of two young boys, mostly; he is also YOUR Da-da, but you keep pushing him away. Also note that Da-da is a fourth-generation trained chef, AND he used to work for a scientific food certification company, so he knows a lot about ingredients and sourcing and what's organic and what's not and how many parts per billion of black centipede ice cream you can fry inside a live turkey before it starts hallucinating enough to not be able to drive a bulldozer through a strip mall without knocking over grampa's hyena. Da-da is also an unsung author and rather questionable blogger.

That said, Da-da's pretty sure a significant portion of the impacted population would WORSHIP Trader Joe's (not like we do already with the midnight bonfires and the naked dancing) and Whole Foods if they were to take a significant stand against GMOs by labeling all their food (which Hole Fuds currently says is impossible on their website, without a governmental Mandate From Heaven). Just label GMO foods and let the market decide what's possible and impossible. But before this can happen, some enlightened corporation (Oxymoron Alert) or autonomous collective somewhere in Somewhereville has to take a stand.

Da-da would suggest to you, Trader Joe's and Whole Foods -- one or the other or both -- to set a firm date for such a proviso in the future, say January 1, 2015 (not 2018, as Whole Foods has already proclaimed). That's far enough out for food folks to make plans. Then, on that date, all foodstufs provided to Trader Joe's and Whole Foods (and maybe other stores around the world) will label whether or not their products contain GMOs. While this won't make food 100% safe (that's impossible), it will send a clear, eye-opening message to those who clearly need an eye-opening message, and will of course take a major step toward making food safer, both for people and cute white laboratory rats, and to make those giant baby head and general hallucinations please stop.

We're all in this together. Void where prohibited.

Hey, Monsanto, ConAgra, Whole Foods... this is what our future kids are gonna look like if they eat GMO foods.
Btw, please stop using rats in the lab to test nasty things. Why not use politicians and banksters?

Note that Da-da continues to be VERY EXCITED about the new General Moods psycho-pharma-foods that we're consuming without compunction, knowledge or malice aforethought. Jeez, who talks like that?

[UPDATE: Da-da stands corrected. Trader Joe's did indeed make such an announcement, that Da-da missed while in the throes of his lunacy hearing. You can read it HERE. Still, a grand-standy public afformation would make us all feel a little better, as well as educate.]

[UPDATE 5/8/13: Da-da was at Whole Foods and saw that they've put "non-GMO" labels on the food shelves for select products. A good start.]

Yes, we know that, Roy, but it's ORGANIC. Not that icky GMO aquatic Brazilian centipede.

That Charlton Heston of Parenthood

Some parental curses are more powerful than others. And of course, your beard may not be as righteous.

Is That YOUR Kid?

"Is that YOUR kid, Mr. Spock?? I didn't know a food unit could do that."

The Once and Future Conflict Obsolescence

That should read, "mainstream U.S. media"; some are bucking the mediocre trend.

Da-da chatted with one of his neighbors this afternoon (his name is also Da-da, isn't that weird?) after he and his family had been out of the country for a few weeks. While abroad, he went out with some young friends of his in the military; they went out for drinks, and everyone was quite relaxed. In a hushed voice, he asked them why they were so casual, as he'd heard everyone was on high alert. They shook their heads, said everything there was fine. Quiet. Never better. There were no hostilities whatsoever.

Da-da's neighbor was in South Korea.

There were no tensions. No saber-rattling. No three-inch headlines. Everyone was happy. There are tons of jobs. The food was awesome.

Indeed, Da-da's int'l intelligence sources are saying -- independently -- that not only are things getting better in that corner of the world, for the most part, but there will soon be a reunification of North and South Korea (and jobs galore), and that people on both sides are very hopeful about it. Huh.

Yes, the South Koreans looked happy. It wasn't until Da-da's neighbor returned home that he saw people who looked unhappy, tense and stressed, like there was a war on. The problem is, war just doesn't work when there isn't one -- and it works even less when there is.

Needless to say, fear-mongering and fact-mangling are two of the main reasons Da-da ignores much of the corporate-controlled U.S. media. Why not? The rest of the world does. And we're all so happy.

Fig. 17c. "The Oxymoron."

"Da-da, What's for Dinner on Earth Day??"

Dirt! (Here's one Da-da prepared earlier.)

Da-da's Psycho-Neurasthenic Theater of Grueling Parenting Horror QUADRUPLE FEATURE!

Hello, and welcome to Da-da's Psycho-Neurasthenic Theatre. Today's marathon QUADRUPLE FEATURE will continue without stop, as it has for the past several years. As always, all features will be shown simultaneously ON THE SAME SCREEN -- In 3-D, TERRORVISION and SMELL-O-RAMA. The concession stand is capable, but limited. The clerk is grumpy. The floor is littered with debris. Please watch your step. Please note that the show will continue (and be added to, in layers) in perpetuity, or until the red light is OUT. If you need anything, the clerk will be in the back, staring at the red light. 

Enjoy the show!


-The Management

C'mon, red light...

Da-da's Gothic Home Improvement for the Haunted Parent

Where is that squirrel?

Ever since Da-da turned his entire house into an enormous speaker, Da-da's neighbors have been supplying him with free rocks! But NOW, the throbbing MANTOVANI they'll be enjoying will be ORGANIC, having been transmogrified from digital to analog via Da-da's newfangled miniature A-D Converter. Yes, all the knobs go to 11. And it only weighs three tons! Da-da even installed a step so you could reach it. Handy! And talk about increasing property value!

Here's Da-da servicing one of the house's 27 tweeters. The extreme decibels keep dissolving the
ionic bonds in the copper wires. (No, not the covalent bonds, Timmy. This is copper we're talking about!)

Captain, Is That YOUR Kid?

"Captain, your child has placed wheels of aged bovine secretions into all the ship's dryers --
and he's also on a direct collision course with earth."

Got Yer Nose

"Boys! Da-da was joking about the nose job. Don't use the... NOT THE VICE..."

It's the New Parental Totalitarianism!

Da-da welcomes the New Parental Totalitarianism -- which is really the OLD Parental Totalitarianism, but with bandages and steampunk goggles. Makes it somehow more postmodern, don't you think? You all like being stared at by dispassionate giants and cameras anyway, right?

“War is war. Peace is peace. Freedom is doing what Da-da says. Cleaning your room is strength.” 
      --Da-da's Totalitarian Parenting Manifesto, p. 14

The Wrath of Mom

Uh oh. Ma-ma got the torch out. You guys better run while Da-da distracts her with smoochage...

That Brady Bunch Look of Parenthood

Is That YOUR Kid?

Is that your kid on the wing?

Science Has Been Drinking: To Sleep, Perchance to Conceive?

Lessee... did some yoga, had a hot shower, a buncha sex... OH NO.

SLEEP experts are urging people to make love, practice yoga and have a hot shower (not necessarily in that order) to give themselves the best chance possible of a good night's sleep. (Bonus points for doing all that at once.) What sleep experts don't realize is that these sleep tactics also offer a very good chance at CONCEPTION, thus murdering sleep in its sleep.

Yup, kids are like MacBeth. The ReDormin Sleep Study found yoga can increase slumber by 64 minutes, sex and a hot shower before bed can each give you 6 minutes more sleep, while resulting babies and small children will DECREASE sleep by 9,474,003 minutes.

Sleep research financiers, next time just give the money to Da-da and he'll save you some time.

Well, that's it for Da-da.

Fluffy is Loose: Expect Delays

The boys' giant tarantulas are loose, again. Whatever you do, DO NOT STOP.
In fact, you might want to speed up...

It's a Da-da Advisory: Foil Hat 101

This poor schmoe recently threatened to torch four elementary schools. Note the hat.

Hi. Da-da here. Just a quick, friendly, Monday note to those of you possessed of the peculiar idea that aluminum foil -- or metal of any kind (save for maybe lead) -- defeats UFO transmissions, MKULTRA government mind control, compulsions to watch golf on TV, etc.: FYI, putting aluminum foil in your hat does NOT stop these alleged energy sources. Indeed, it magnifies them.

Ketch need blow up Montovani!

Once more, with feeling for those who tend to skim:

ALUMINUM FOIL IN YOUR HAT ACTS A FOCUS, NOT A SHIELD.

This means that foil in your hat makes the UFO transmissions worse, Captain Video, if indeed there are any UFO transmissions. There almost have to be, because... well... UFOs gotta transmit, right? It's one of those things they do, like sucking the anu$es out of cattle and making your Bentley stall.

Worse still, foil hats crank those Martha Stewart transmissions up into their own energy classification, which isn't that bad if someone's made a mess.

She's melting your brain right now, using her cat, Pyewackett, as projector. Can't you feel it? AIIEEE!

Anyway, if and when you feel those bizarre compulsive thoughts piling up beneath your cranial dome, combat this urge with a long hot shower, some herbal tea, a blow to the head and maybe a nap. OR, every time you feel the need to do harm to... well, anything... just book a spa appointment and go get rubbed by friendly strangers. Being rubbed by friendly strangers is one of the surest ways to unplug your inner Lee Harvey Oswald. (It worked for... oh, right. He didn't kill anybody.)

Or, you could just take off the hat.

Aluminum foil in your hat pretty much guarantees hallucinations. Enjoy!

"Ok, Boys..."

"...what happened to the toilet?"

That Blue Friday Look of... Whatever

Hm. Would you classify a thick blue martini as a launch problem or a design problem?

The PTA Have Left the Building... in Another Dimension

"And what's wrong with dropping the administration building into a wormhole? I tell you: NOTHING."

That BEFORE and AFTER Look of Parenthood

Before kids.

AFTER kids.

Giant Slug Mystery SOLVED?

Huh. And it's shaped like a giant slug, too. Huh.

Da-da's boys, Bronko and Nagurski, LOVE giant slugs. Well, now they can be happy. The boys, not the slugs.

Yes, it's official. NASA, in one of the agency's most useful and cost-effective moves, spent millions of dollars and countless human-hours to determine the birthplace of all slugs on earth: The Red Sea! Yay! We all needed to know that, right?

Slugs everywhere, REJOICE! O GIANT SLUG, BE MERCIFUL IN THIS THY ULTIMATE SLIME MOMENT!