Apocalypse Parenting 101: Survival Tactics That Work

Ex. 3. Keep track of things important to survival.

Spooky Sayer Speaks Soothiness

Ok, this is weird. Look at the above. Da-da was talking with an "enlightened" friend about the recent Yale research report that showed a correlation between reduced births on Halloween and an increase around Valentine's Day. So why is this?

Do pregnant women (as opposed to pregnant men) simply choose not to give birth to a Halloween baby because of a supernatural stigma? A recent article on this suggested amazement that pregnant women could dictate and postpone such an event. Da-da has news for you, babe: PREGNANT WOMEN CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT. Anyone who's been around pregnant women (especially if you're responsible) knows that they're in charge. Good luck standing in their way. But there must be more to it than that, so Da-da consulted with Sybyl the Soothsayer. (Sybyl just knows things. Da-da's been around so he knows when someone "knows things," and Sybyl started telling Da-da about his own childhood in great detail for about 30 seconds -- Da-da's an only child and there were no witnesses -- so Da-da quickly said, "STOP. That's enough. You know things.")

Anyway, as for the lack of Halloween births, Sybyl stated plainly that, "The time around Halloween is a difficult incarnation. THE most difficult, in fact" Why's that, Da-da asked. "It just is." Ok, Philosopher's Stone, anything else? "Those who are born on Halloween, or within five days or so, are very powerful. They are here for a good reason and beat out other spirits who wanted into that situation. These spirits go to the head of the line. Best to work with them and not against them." Okay. Tough to argue with a stone.

(Psst. Da-da is a Halloween baby, shhh.)

That David Hasselhoff Look of Paternity

Oh, the metaphoric humanity.

That David Hasselhoff Look of Paternity

"Honey, guess what?"

The Ultimate Prophylactic

Fig. 1. The female.

Ahem. If Da-da may have your attention, please. The Ultimate Prophylactic, that is, the ultimate pregnancy prevention device, involves the following. We could start anywhere, but let's start with one possible fated outcome: cat woman. She leads to...

Fig. 2. Opening the hood.

...THIS...

Fig. 3. Sharing germ-laden saliva. Sexy!

 ...and perhaps THIS, occasionally progressing to...

Fig. 4. The naughty bits.

...THIS (disgusting, but fuzzy), which every now and then (nine months later) leads to a couple months of...

Fig. 5. Pregnancy nausea (beta carotene version).

...THIS, along with denial and doubt and other D-words, but not in a nice, fun way. This moves on to...

Fig. 6. The alien.

...THIS, which other humans encourage for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is sharing the misery.

Fig 7. Post-pregnancy cleavage. Enjoy.

However, it's not all bad, as you do get these for a time, but eventually...

Fig. 8. The child (with future pot pie).

...you get THIS (and not always with a chicken, but it's a nice bonus). Soon after, you invariably find yourself firmly entrenched in...

Fig. 9. Parenthood.

...THIS. Parenthood: The Ultimate Prophylactic. Of course, this is only the beginning. Your cute little chreub eventually turns into...

Fig. 10. The teenager.

...THIS. If by some miracle you're still in the mood, Da-da suggests reviewing the above images again.

Valentine's Day SMOKED CHEESE

 

Yeah, yeah, another... Awwwwwwww moment. At least there will be no Space Chicken sightings.

For the Valentine's Day record, Da-da's wife exhibits so many superlatives it makes your head spin... except when she gets on Da-da about emptying the trash. And scotchguarding the cat. C'mon, Da-da LOVES scotchguarding the cat, but these things take time.

Anyway, Da-da tried to think of ONE THING wrong with her (Ma-ma, not the cat), and all he came up with was that, besides that righteous left hook, she smelled like smoked cheese for two days during her two pregnancies. Seriously. Women's pregnancies (as opposed to men's) have chemical and somatic changes that are mind-boggling, not the least of which is the dreaded, "SMOKED CHEESE SYNDROME." Some pregnant women smell like smoked cheese, while others smell like pepperoni, proscuitto, East Rutherford, NJ... etc. Factually, proto-Ma-ma was redolent of either a five-year-old smoked gouda or some kind of ancient Basque manchego; it was both FASCINATING and DISGUSTING at the same time, and left Da-da wondering what wine to pair Ma-ma with, a viognier or a montrachet? On our budget, we're lookin' at NIGHTTRAIN, if you can find it. Serve chilled.

Speaking of fascinating and disgusting...

Astonishing. Happy V-day, Captain. You guys always were hot for each other.