Fearless Monster Hunters Review... THE BLOB

Blob blob blob.

This week, in honor of Da-da's getting closer and closer to the ground, the Fearless Monster Hunters (FMHs) have leveled their unrestrained puerile laser-sagacity onto... "THE BLOB," the original Eisenhowerian fear-fest from 1958... Eisenhowerian? Eisenhowerish? Eisenhoweryoudoin? And why do all the movies the FMH's review originate in 1958, anyway? No idea. Ok, here we go. As always, Da-da's comments are [bracketed].

Don't ever do this.

Fearless Monster Hunters Review... THE BLOB

Da-da: Ok, boys. Did this movie scare you at all?
Bronko(4YO): NO!
Nagurski (6YO): No.

Da-da: What was the movie about?
Bronko: A blob that ate everyone.
Nagurski: At the end it was frozen and dropped in Alaska, where it's gonna stay [until it enters politics].

D-d: Do you think blobs are real?
N: No. Yes! On another planet.
B: Maybe in Cincinnati. [??]

D-d: If a blob appeared outside your house, what would you do?
N: I would say hi and be its friend.
B: I would ask it if they wanted to be friends and if not, turn it into a breakfast food.
N: Blobbies!

D-d: What was your favorite part of the movie?
N: I dunno. When it parachuted down into Alaska?
B: When that blob ate that man with the stick. And the song! ["Beware of the Blob," one of Burt Bacharach's early hits.]

D-d: How did the movie make you feel?
N: Like staring at you.
B: Dizzy. Blobby.

D-d: Anything else?
N: There was too much stuff between the monster parts.
D-d: You mean plot.
B: Right. Too much plotting, not enough blobbing. There should also be more blob noises.
N: Blob blob blob. Count Blobula!

Count Blobula in action.

Fearless Monster Hunters Review... THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

"Klaatu... Barata... oh, screw it. Take THAT, Industrial-Military-Complex!"

This week, in honor of the U.S. Government almost coming to a complete standstill because politicians are like the seagulls in, Finding Nemo that squawk, "MINE MINE MINE," and because the U.S. is one Happy Meal from Jumping the Shark, the Fearless Monster Hunters (FMHs) have turned their pre-steampunk goggles to the retro-future with, THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL -- the original version from 1951, not the darker, more recent one which had an arguably better Gort and an equally arrogant, shark-jumped military, jeez, will someone stake the VAMPIRE that is this run-on sentence? [stake noise; death rattle.] Krikey. Most notably for the FMHs, there were no characters that smacked of Star Wars in any way in this feature, so the boys could untether themselves from the gynormous George Lucas brand-zeppelin franchise floating everywhere (which is not to say that Da-da doesn't like George, he does; George even knows Da-da, though not biblically -- that's a whole other blog). Onward!

Fearless Monster Hunters Review... THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

Da-da: Ok, boys. Did this movie scare you at all?
Bronko(4YO)/Nagurski (6YO): [together] NO!

Da-da: What was the movie about?
Bronko: Gort!
Nagurski: A super robot that can disintegrate things.
Bronko: Spaceman warns earth!

D-d: Do you think flying saucers and aliens are real?
N: Yes.
B: No. [Nagurski and Bronko eyeball each other.]
D-d: Why do you say that?
N: Because there just might be some.
B: They're not real. [More eyeballing as a storm front develops.]

D-d: If UFOs landed everywhere tomorrow, what would you do?
N: I would say HI to them and then make them alien-humans, so they can live on earth with us.
B: I'd send a message to my birthday party. [Da-da and Nagurski look at Bronko, who blinks.]
D-d: What? What message?
B: I dunno. [Bronko's a little sick, so he's loopier than normal.]

D-d: What are UFOs, anyway?
N: Something unidentified. A UFO has all kinds of shapes.
B: It's just made of metal and dark and Gort made it.

D-d: What was your favorite part of the movie?
N: When Gort and the guy got out of jail. AND when Gort disintegrated things.
B: When he disintegrated and zaps those mean tanks that were not listening to the spaceman.

D-d: How did the movie make you feel?
N: [shrugs] Cool?
B: Unsafe. Because they might attack you.
D-d: Who might attack you?
B: The army. They're not nice.

D-d: What will you remember most about THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL?
N: The UFO part, when it lands.
B: Gort and his spaceship and his white light thing. Does it work on cheese sandwiches?
D-d: I'd imagine it would make quick work of a grilled cheese sandwich.
N: I like Giant Robot better, Da-da.
B: Yeah! Can we watch that next?

"Giant Robot... go get Brad Bird!"

The Fearless Monster Hunters Look at... THE HORROR OF DRACULA

Your vampire butt is SO staked. Hope you packed your sunscreen.

This week, the boys review, THE HORROR OF DRACULA, the one that kickstarted it all back in 1958. It was the first vampire horror movie by Hammer, and catapulted Christopher Lee to legendary vampireness. Vampiricity? Vampirinia? Anyway, the movie's waaaay tame by postmodern vamp-saturated (vamp-sat) tastes, such that even small children (well, Da-da's small children) can watch without being fazed or overusing parentheticals. (Shut up.) Note that the boys were a bit confused seeing Christopher Lee as Count Dracula, as they knew him first as Count Dooku from the first three Star Wars films (such as they are). Da-da explained that Count Dooku used to be Count Dracula, a vampire from Transylvania, who was asked to be a Jedi when he turned good, but fell back to his dark-side/vamp-bad nature... and they were somehow ok with this. Da-da's raisin' 'em right. Either that, or they weren't listening, which is more likely, Occam's Razor notwithstanding. What? Never mind. Onward.

The Fearless Monster Hunters Review... THE HORROR OF DRACULA

Da-da: Ok, boys. First off, did this movie scare you?
Nagurski (6YO): No.
Bronko (4YO): No.

Da-da: Not even a little?
Nagurski: Nope.
Bronko: No way.
Nagurski: We know about vampires, Da-da.

D-d: What was the movie about?
N: Vampires. Sure had a lot of plot. Too much plot. Needed more biting. Count Dooku as the vampire was good, though.
B: Vampires bite because they wear the wrong jewelry. Dracula's ring was all alone in the end. Where was his light saber?
N: Yeah. Dooku used a red lightsaber.

D-d: Are vampires real?
N: Noooo. 
B: No such thing.

D-d: Are Jedi knights real?
N: No. 
B: It's just a movie, Da-da.

D-d: If vampires invaded your town, what would you do?
N: I would use a cross. And the sun. And hide all the sunscreen. A lightsaber would be good, too.
B: I would grow up and jump through the window and let the sun in to make them turn to dust.

D-d: What are vampires, anyway?
N: Monsters that eat your blood. They have sharp teeth and red eyes and don't talk much. They should definitely wear sunscreen.
B: They have a magic ring that makes them vampires. And yeah, sunscreen.

D-d: What was your favorite part of DRACULA?
N: I liked all of it. Especially the part where Count Dooku dried up because he didn't use enough sunscreen.
D-d: Dracula, not Dooku.
N: Right.
B: I liked all of it, too. Where was Anakin?

D-d: How did the movie make you feel?
N: Kinda bored.
B: Cool.

D-d: What will you remember most about DRACULA?
N: The drying up part. Count Dooku should stay out of the sun.
B: When it's Easter, I'll remember the part about him drying up. [????!]

YOU CAN'T PARK THAT THERE!

The Fearless Monster Hunters Look at... THEM

Your monster butt is SO kicked.

Unlike his brother, Da-da's oldest, Nagurski (on the right), has always preferred Halloween and monster books and stories over quasi-literary dove-and-bunny excursions (except for Lewis Carroll's offerings); Nagursky loves Edward Gorey and Jack Prelutsky (and YES, Da-da edits what he reads as he reads it). Because of this monstrous predilection toward monsters and propositional prepositional phrases, and as a celebration of summer, Da-da decided to cave in to one of Nagurski's frequent requests: watching horror/monster movies. Da-da can't show his boys real horror, o'course, but he can let them watch say the first 10 minutes of most Hammer/Christopher Lee productions, old science fiction and say, all those giant radioactive monster movies like, THEM (which he and his brother, Bronko, have already seen and loved).

Da-da has thus embarked upon a semi-regular Friday movie review feature on this blog called, THE FEARLESS MONSTER HUNTERS, with your pre- and post-K hosts: Bronko, aged four, and Nagurski, who's almost six. Bronko likes apple juice, is kind and sweet and monk-like and obstinant and impossible and can eat TEN eggs a day and is hideously strong and ninja-like. Nagurski likes milk, is the Mad Scientist from REANIMATOR, and is equally strong and ninja-like. Together, they represent one tremendous handful, but at least they wear anti-monster eye protection -- esp. when they watch horror/monster movies.

For their first movie, The Fearless Monster Hunters have decided to review, THEM. Sure, on a Joe Bob scale, there's not much happening in this movie (no breasts, blood, heads rolling, etc.), but when you're four or five, it's a pretty big deal when giant ants invade the Mojave Desert.

No, it's not about red vs. blue states. It's about ANTS, Timmy,
big ants like politicians, w/big pincers and no feelings.

Da-da will act as moderator, facilitator, projectionist, interpreter, and run the snack bar for this unexpurgated, no-holds-barred interview (which may one day have a podcast, if Da-da can keep the hellions from dunking Da-da's microphone.). Here we go, Da-da's questions are in bold:

The Fearless Monster Hunters Review: THEM.

Da-da: Ok, boys. First off, did this movie scare you?
Nagurski: No.
Bronko: No way.

Da-da: If giant ants invaded your town, what would you do?
Nagurski: I would just make 83 giant robots to destroy them, with guns and lasers. Or trick them into going into a door to another dimension.
Bronko: I would tame one and ride him around. Like to school! [They both laugh and suddenly try to ride one another, arguing over who's gonna be the giant ant; eventually, Referee Da-da has to step in with a cattle prod and quell the uprising.]

Da-da: What was your favorite part of THEM?
Nagurski: The scientists going into the giant ant hole -- esp. when they found all the baby ants.
Bronko: My favorite part was when that man saved those boys at the end.

Dd: What was the movie about? What do you think it meant?
N: How the ants got really big. That's the question.
B: The government made them. They do bad things.
N: Yeah, and the ants tried to get even.

Dd: How did the movie make you feel?
N: Happy! I love giant ants!
B: Strange. I felt sorry for the ants. They just wanted to live and be left alone.

Dd: What do you remember most about THEM?
N: That cool sound they made. And the wind.
B: I dunno. Can I have some more juice?

[Next week: THE HORROR OF DRACULA.]

Monsters are terrified of sombreros.

Monsters Beware!

The boys spontaneously aggregated steampunk goggles, assorted whistles and mechanical EM detectors and declared themselves, "Fearless Monster Hunters." Nary a monster has been seen since. Da-da doesn't make this stuff up, folks.