Gray Da-da Down

Crap. Da-da's tipped over again. And hey, who dressed him like a woman?! Da-da will c-cut you for that... for that...
(Sure, Da-da's STACKED, but c'mon.)

Giant Robots of the Rich and Famous

The GRV "Crusher" comes equipped with headlights! Yay!

Traffic around Da-da's town is some of the worst in the world, mostly because all the parents have fallen asleep at the wheel, exhausted from ferrying small beings here and there and there and here, multiple parental unconsciousness episodes snarling traffic for miles. While sitting in one of these traffic snafus, Da-da's oldest son, Nagurski, had the perfect solution to future traffic jams: (see the title). Just then, on the radio, came a burst of zietgeist-y near-synchronicity (the likes of which poor Da-da will never be able to afford):

Announced today, AcmeVaporware's Advanced Physical Layer Transport Section debuted the world’s first Gynormous Robotic Vehicle (GRV) for high-congestion cities, in an effort to eliminate nightmare commutes from the tortured lives of billionaire CEOs, bailed-out bank executives and venture capitalists living in dense urban environments. Intended to grossly empower an already heady cyber-elite plutocracy, the enormous, two-legged monstrosties tower a full 100 feet above the road surface and can run at well over 120 miles per hour. The first 20 sport utility models of the GRV Robot Series have already sold.

"Behold the beginning of a whole new era of driving satisfaction," Dr. John Smallberries, CEO of  AcmeVaporware, bellowed via the shoulder-mounted loudspeaker system of the GRV as he stomped across stalled traffic. "This sucker virtually eliminates traffic as we know it. And you haven't lived until you've crushed a Lexus at 90 mph." 

Developed in close cooperation with paroled engineers from Area 52, Caterpillar and Siemens, each GRV weighs 1200 tons and is powered by 30 specially designed Briggs & Stratton Hellfire gas turbine engines, developing a cumulative 1 billion lb.-feet of torque. The GRV’s mechanical-drive/Cherenkov locomotion lugs the engines under load rather than running at constant maximum horsepower. This makes the mechanical powertrain highly efficient and productive in a wide variety of jumping and traffic-stomping conditions.

With electronically controlled transmissions, integrated axle lock-up clutches, blast-resistant titanium-steel alloy bodies, fast hydraulic actuator cycles and traditional robot-head-style cabs, AcmeVaporware's GRV Series sets giant robot standards for performance, durability, operator comfort and errant headiness. The GRV "Crusher" Sport Utility model features on-the-go inter-axle and cross-arm inter-axle differential locking, and represents the most productive articulated giant robot arm and mecha-claw in its class. All GRVs offer proven, oil-immersed hip-disk brakes and fully automated and integrated 256-speed transmissions, well-suited for heavy stomping. The soon-to-be-unveiled GRV Crusher II stands 200 feet tall, and is almost entirely classified. The GRV Mark III is only rumored to exist, but should top out at well over 500 feet. Dick Cheney has already purchased one (his brain is rumored to have already been installed).

All of AcmeVaporware's giant robots provide the quickest route possible in a congested world. And because of unique Vibram-designed foot tread patterns, all are operationally destructive over a wide range of all-weather underfoot conditions, to include: cars and trucks (foreign and domestic); military and police vehicles; government offices and military installations; strip malls; casinos; convenience stores; skyscrapers; as well as all IRS central and field offices. Each Giant Robot is also bomb- and rocket-resistant, and sports exceptional EMP shielding in the instance of penultimate CHP nuclear intervention.

"I think we've really hit upon a niche here," noted Dr. John E. Socko, chief engineer of AcmeVaporware's Advanced Robotics Section based in San Nowamon, CA. "We've made 20 robots -- and have sold all 20. And we have pre-paid orders for the next 1000. At $50 million each, these things aren't cheap, but they are surprisingly affordable for a certain class of executive." Dr. Socko added that the Giant Robots have a pronounced psychological effect, in that they almost totally eliminate sloth in all but the most severely medicated of human drivers.

"Fear is a fantastic motivator. People run like hell."

Fearless Monster Hunters Review... THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

"Klaatu... Barata... oh, screw it. Take THAT, Industrial-Military-Complex!"

This week, in honor of the U.S. Government almost coming to a complete standstill because politicians are like the seagulls in, Finding Nemo that squawk, "MINE MINE MINE," and because the U.S. is one Happy Meal from Jumping the Shark, the Fearless Monster Hunters (FMHs) have turned their pre-steampunk goggles to the retro-future with, THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL -- the original version from 1951, not the darker, more recent one which had an arguably better Gort and an equally arrogant, shark-jumped military, jeez, will someone stake the VAMPIRE that is this run-on sentence? [stake noise; death rattle.] Krikey. Most notably for the FMHs, there were no characters that smacked of Star Wars in any way in this feature, so the boys could untether themselves from the gynormous George Lucas brand-zeppelin franchise floating everywhere (which is not to say that Da-da doesn't like George, he does; George even knows Da-da, though not biblically -- that's a whole other blog). Onward!

Fearless Monster Hunters Review... THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

Da-da: Ok, boys. Did this movie scare you at all?
Bronko(4YO)/Nagurski (6YO): [together] NO!

Da-da: What was the movie about?
Bronko: Gort!
Nagurski: A super robot that can disintegrate things.
Bronko: Spaceman warns earth!

D-d: Do you think flying saucers and aliens are real?
N: Yes.
B: No. [Nagurski and Bronko eyeball each other.]
D-d: Why do you say that?
N: Because there just might be some.
B: They're not real. [More eyeballing as a storm front develops.]

D-d: If UFOs landed everywhere tomorrow, what would you do?
N: I would say HI to them and then make them alien-humans, so they can live on earth with us.
B: I'd send a message to my birthday party. [Da-da and Nagurski look at Bronko, who blinks.]
D-d: What? What message?
B: I dunno. [Bronko's a little sick, so he's loopier than normal.]

D-d: What are UFOs, anyway?
N: Something unidentified. A UFO has all kinds of shapes.
B: It's just made of metal and dark and Gort made it.

D-d: What was your favorite part of the movie?
N: When Gort and the guy got out of jail. AND when Gort disintegrated things.
B: When he disintegrated and zaps those mean tanks that were not listening to the spaceman.

D-d: How did the movie make you feel?
N: [shrugs] Cool?
B: Unsafe. Because they might attack you.
D-d: Who might attack you?
B: The army. They're not nice.

D-d: What will you remember most about THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL?
N: The UFO part, when it lands.
B: Gort and his spaceship and his white light thing. Does it work on cheese sandwiches?
D-d: I'd imagine it would make quick work of a grilled cheese sandwich.
N: I like Giant Robot better, Da-da.
B: Yeah! Can we watch that next?

"Giant Robot... go get Brad Bird!"