Bad Mall Santa Da-da #3

I'm Santa, I'm Santa, I'm Santa, I'm Santa, I'm Santa, I'm Santa...

Since Da-da's been wearing Santa's underwear for a week straight -- professionally -- he's been forced into doing some thinking about what makes the big guy tick. Think about it, you've got to be crazy-manic-whacko to make something like six billions toys a year every year FOR FREE. Then there's the little problem of delivering said toys to roughly 3.8 billion targets worldwide in 24 hours (that's 2.65 million homes a minute, or 44148 homes a second). We won't even consider the expense involved, as that's so 2008. This whole enterprise seems impossible until you consider Santa's diet, basically eating cookies and candy and drinking hot chocolate 24/7/365, as well as the fact that Santa doesn't have any kids, AND has free magic elf labor out the wazoo.

For the sake of science, Da-da tried to emulate a scale model of one little facet of the big man, eating a whole plate of Christmas cookies someone brought, and washing 'em down with three large hot chocolates and a few cups of mocha-honka macchiatos. Not surprisingly, Bad Mall Santa Da-da couldn't stop himself from his own manic Batman moment, saying, "I'm Santa, I'm Santa, I'm Santa, I'm Santa, I'm Santa,..." over and over to those assembled mall Santa faithful (um, who all kinda already knew Da-da was Santa; the suit was a bit of a giveaway). The sweat-slicked vaseline hair was a little off-putting, Da-da's guessing. Sure, the entire experience was annoying and painful and borderline dangerous from a health standpoint, but Da-da did successfully crank through about 186,000 kids in a single shift, a world record. Now if everything would stop vibrating and that damn floating glowing donkey would stop following Da-da everywhere, all would be right with the world.

[Read Bad Mall Santa Da-da 2, or go to Bad Mall Santa Da-da #4]

Stalker!