Giant Robots of the Rich and Famous

The GRV "Crusher" comes equipped with headlights! Yay!

Traffic around Da-da's town is some of the worst in the world, mostly because all the parents have fallen asleep at the wheel, exhausted from ferrying small beings here and there and there and here, multiple parental unconsciousness episodes snarling traffic for miles. While sitting in one of these traffic snafus, Da-da's oldest son, Nagurski, had the perfect solution to future traffic jams: (see the title). Just then, on the radio, came a burst of zietgeist-y near-synchronicity (the likes of which poor Da-da will never be able to afford):

Announced today, AcmeVaporware's Advanced Physical Layer Transport Section debuted the world’s first Gynormous Robotic Vehicle (GRV) for high-congestion cities, in an effort to eliminate nightmare commutes from the tortured lives of billionaire CEOs, bailed-out bank executives and venture capitalists living in dense urban environments. Intended to grossly empower an already heady cyber-elite plutocracy, the enormous, two-legged monstrosties tower a full 100 feet above the road surface and can run at well over 120 miles per hour. The first 20 sport utility models of the GRV Robot Series have already sold.

"Behold the beginning of a whole new era of driving satisfaction," Dr. John Smallberries, CEO of  AcmeVaporware, bellowed via the shoulder-mounted loudspeaker system of the GRV as he stomped across stalled traffic. "This sucker virtually eliminates traffic as we know it. And you haven't lived until you've crushed a Lexus at 90 mph." 

Developed in close cooperation with paroled engineers from Area 52, Caterpillar and Siemens, each GRV weighs 1200 tons and is powered by 30 specially designed Briggs & Stratton Hellfire gas turbine engines, developing a cumulative 1 billion lb.-feet of torque. The GRV’s mechanical-drive/Cherenkov locomotion lugs the engines under load rather than running at constant maximum horsepower. This makes the mechanical powertrain highly efficient and productive in a wide variety of jumping and traffic-stomping conditions.

With electronically controlled transmissions, integrated axle lock-up clutches, blast-resistant titanium-steel alloy bodies, fast hydraulic actuator cycles and traditional robot-head-style cabs, AcmeVaporware's GRV Series sets giant robot standards for performance, durability, operator comfort and errant headiness. The GRV "Crusher" Sport Utility model features on-the-go inter-axle and cross-arm inter-axle differential locking, and represents the most productive articulated giant robot arm and mecha-claw in its class. All GRVs offer proven, oil-immersed hip-disk brakes and fully automated and integrated 256-speed transmissions, well-suited for heavy stomping. The soon-to-be-unveiled GRV Crusher II stands 200 feet tall, and is almost entirely classified. The GRV Mark III is only rumored to exist, but should top out at well over 500 feet. Dick Cheney has already purchased one (his brain is rumored to have already been installed).

All of AcmeVaporware's giant robots provide the quickest route possible in a congested world. And because of unique Vibram-designed foot tread patterns, all are operationally destructive over a wide range of all-weather underfoot conditions, to include: cars and trucks (foreign and domestic); military and police vehicles; government offices and military installations; strip malls; casinos; convenience stores; skyscrapers; as well as all IRS central and field offices. Each Giant Robot is also bomb- and rocket-resistant, and sports exceptional EMP shielding in the instance of penultimate CHP nuclear intervention.

"I think we've really hit upon a niche here," noted Dr. John E. Socko, chief engineer of AcmeVaporware's Advanced Robotics Section based in San Nowamon, CA. "We've made 20 robots -- and have sold all 20. And we have pre-paid orders for the next 1000. At $50 million each, these things aren't cheap, but they are surprisingly affordable for a certain class of executive." Dr. Socko added that the Giant Robots have a pronounced psychological effect, in that they almost totally eliminate sloth in all but the most severely medicated of human drivers.

"Fear is a fantastic motivator. People run like hell."