Xenochrony Books Hatches Bold NEW TORPOMETRONOMICON

Special "SINED SEALED DELIVERED e-CHAOS" edition is now available
in trade paperback and Kindle. We just got our copies. They look awesome.

Giant Robots of the Rich and Famous

The GRV "Crusher" comes equipped with headlights! Yay!

Traffic around Da-da's town is some of the worst in the world, mostly because all the parents have fallen asleep at the wheel, exhausted from ferrying small beings here and there and there and here, multiple parental unconsciousness episodes snarling traffic for miles. While sitting in one of these traffic snafus, Da-da's oldest son, Nagurski, had the perfect solution to future traffic jams: (see the title). Just then, on the radio, came a burst of zietgeist-y near-synchronicity (the likes of which poor Da-da will never be able to afford):

Announced today, AcmeVaporware's Advanced Physical Layer Transport Section debuted the world’s first Gynormous Robotic Vehicle (GRV) for high-congestion cities, in an effort to eliminate nightmare commutes from the tortured lives of billionaire CEOs, bailed-out bank executives and venture capitalists living in dense urban environments. Intended to grossly empower an already heady cyber-elite plutocracy, the enormous, two-legged monstrosties tower a full 100 feet above the road surface and can run at well over 120 miles per hour. The first 20 sport utility models of the GRV Robot Series have already sold.

"Behold the beginning of a whole new era of driving satisfaction," Dr. John Smallberries, CEO of  AcmeVaporware, bellowed via the shoulder-mounted loudspeaker system of the GRV as he stomped across stalled traffic. "This sucker virtually eliminates traffic as we know it. And you haven't lived until you've crushed a Lexus at 90 mph." 

Developed in close cooperation with paroled engineers from Area 52, Caterpillar and Siemens, each GRV weighs 1200 tons and is powered by 30 specially designed Briggs & Stratton Hellfire gas turbine engines, developing a cumulative 1 billion lb.-feet of torque. The GRV’s mechanical-drive/Cherenkov locomotion lugs the engines under load rather than running at constant maximum horsepower. This makes the mechanical powertrain highly efficient and productive in a wide variety of jumping and traffic-stomping conditions.

With electronically controlled transmissions, integrated axle lock-up clutches, blast-resistant titanium-steel alloy bodies, fast hydraulic actuator cycles and traditional robot-head-style cabs, AcmeVaporware's GRV Series sets giant robot standards for performance, durability, operator comfort and errant headiness. The GRV "Crusher" Sport Utility model features on-the-go inter-axle and cross-arm inter-axle differential locking, and represents the most productive articulated giant robot arm and mecha-claw in its class. All GRVs offer proven, oil-immersed hip-disk brakes and fully automated and integrated 256-speed transmissions, well-suited for heavy stomping. The soon-to-be-unveiled GRV Crusher II stands 200 feet tall, and is almost entirely classified. The GRV Mark III is only rumored to exist, but should top out at well over 500 feet. Dick Cheney has already purchased one (his brain is rumored to have already been installed).

All of AcmeVaporware's giant robots provide the quickest route possible in a congested world. And because of unique Vibram-designed foot tread patterns, all are operationally destructive over a wide range of all-weather underfoot conditions, to include: cars and trucks (foreign and domestic); military and police vehicles; government offices and military installations; strip malls; casinos; convenience stores; skyscrapers; as well as all IRS central and field offices. Each Giant Robot is also bomb- and rocket-resistant, and sports exceptional EMP shielding in the instance of penultimate CHP nuclear intervention.

"I think we've really hit upon a niche here," noted Dr. John E. Socko, chief engineer of AcmeVaporware's Advanced Robotics Section based in San Nowamon, CA. "We've made 20 robots -- and have sold all 20. And we have pre-paid orders for the next 1000. At $50 million each, these things aren't cheap, but they are surprisingly affordable for a certain class of executive." Dr. Socko added that the Giant Robots have a pronounced psychological effect, in that they almost totally eliminate sloth in all but the most severely medicated of human drivers.

"Fear is a fantastic motivator. People run like hell."

Enter... The GOOGLETRAC

Behold the latest in grooming convenience from those geniuses at AcmeVaporware, the main supply house for All Things Da-da. Da-da's beard has been shivering all morning...

=======================================================
ACMEVAPORWARE UNVEILS DREADED GOOGLE-TRAC RAZOR

Advanced Psycho-Consumertronics Section Whips Sheet Off Shocking Personal Grooming System

HIRSUTE, KENTUCKY, January 5, 2011 -- AcmeVaporware Inc. (AVW) today revealed its new GOOGLE-TRAC Razor before a horrified, yet good-natured crowd of beauty & barber science academy graduates. The first overly manic personal grooming system of its type anywhere on earth, the new GOOGLE-TRAC Razor has well over 100 razor-sharp blades that simply dont know when to quit.

HOW IT WORKS

The first blade comes in and pulls up the whisker a fraction of a millimeter, while the second blade zooms ahead and pulls it up a little bit more; the third blade then takes up where the second blade left off, while the fourth blade assists the third, working in unison to hoist the whisker’s petard for the deadly FIFTH blade, which helps the sixth do its job, followed by the seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth, fifteenth, sixteenth, seventeenth, eighteenth, nineteenth, and twentieth blades that then work in harmony with the next eighty eight blades to FINALLY AND IRREVOCABLY zip-zop that pesky growth right off the face of the earth, with extreme prejudice and malice aforethought.

“We decided to stop screwing around and make a serious LEAP in razor technology profits,” said Dr. John Smallberries, president and CEO of AcmeVaporware. “Other personal grooming system profits only went so far. I mean, the American public will believe literally anything, so why not?” Dr. Smallberries then unleashed the new GOOGLE-TRAC Razor System on the hundreds of unsuspecting barber & beauty school graduates, most of whom were females in their ‘20s. Test subjects’ screams were most impressive.

“Our GOOGLE-TRAC Razor System can be used to boost bottom lines of all types, making it far costlier and more complicated than more conventional gas-powered shaving solutions,” said Dr. John Yaya, Vice President of International Vice Presidential Systems for AVW. “In contrast, other personal grooming systems are short-sighted, cheap and kinda suck. Just wait till you see the prices for our replacement blades! A-HAAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!”

“This product has absolutely nothing NOTHING to do with Google,” said Google CEO Barney Google. “Still. I’d still love to have one. Just stop touching me.”

About Google

Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google. Jeez, enough about Google already.

About AcmeVaporware

AcmeVaporware, Inc. is an awesome, intergalactic septillion dollar web-based APE monstrosity, providing truly ludicrous and uncompromising physical layer transport and grooming solutions, pseudo-lexiconographical logistics and torpovapor supply-chain fusion thingies to anyone who will stand still long enough for us to draw an X on their forehead, on a scale that makes the collective armies of all the Pharaohs look like a junior high school marching band. Yes, we're talkin' BIG. Information on AcmeVaporware, its internecine technology and personal grooming system arm, and its future profligate amounts of finest-quality miasma are mostly classified. Regardless, its all on acmevaporware.com anyway, so whatever. If you must read more, try this book, which is all about AcmeVaporware and will take your head clean off. It's even in the Library of Congress.

All content and images copyright 1996-2011 and Beyond, AcmeVaporware Inc. AcmeVaporware is a registered trademark of well, AcmeVaporware Inc. All rights reserved. Don’t mess with us. Our attorney takes air baths in malls.

AcmeVaporware scientists KNOW f = ma.

Boxing Day Shocker: U.S. Given Back to Britain

Flabbergasted at the giftage, Her Majesty then started giggling like a little girl.

This from today's shocking AcmeVaporware/Illuminati release:

U.S. to Give Itself Back to Britain

AcmeVaporware Advanced Diplomatic Conservation Section and Bavarian Illuminati Reveal 50-year Plan to Place the U.S. Back Under British Rule; Queen Thrilled Beyond Words; U.S. Boxed Up and Re-branded, “The Colonies”

LONDON, UK, December 26, 2010 - In a deal reportedly worth well over
$200 trillion over the next fifty years, The Bavarian Illuminati and AcmeVaporware (AVW) today unveiled a detailed 50-year plan to box up the United States and give it back to Britain before a good-natured Boxing Day crowd of bemused Londoners. Citing all kinds of political power vacuumage, illegal bankster thingies and treasonous utterings of some of its more questionable subjects, AVW/Illuminati diplomatic officials began the process of putting Queen Elizabeth II and the British Government back in the driver's seat of, "The Colonies."

The plan calls for a complete and utter takeover of all levels of the U.S. Government, and promises to bring, "an almost Canadian," level of politeness, common sense and thrift back to Civil Servants, as well as all levels of Corporate America. In return for their unflinching generosity and guile, all AVW/Illuminati executives were secretly knighted, given titles and granted HUGE tracts o' land.

“Actually, because the majority of the land in the U.S. is British-owned anyway -- and Queen Elizabeth II the largest single landowner in the world -- we at AVW/Illuminati Ltd. thought this the next logical step,” said Dr. John Smallberries, former Chairman of AVW and newly minted Earl of Essex, doing donuts in a '52 Black Bentley across the verdant copses of St. Scooby-on-the-Heather. “This is all about infusing some good old fashioned manners -- and plain ol' Imperialistic verve -- back into our existing lifeless political PR showcase. 'Congress: the play we all pay not to see.' Well, not any more!” Dr. Smallberries later distributed knighthoods to fleeing children and clergy at well over 90 miles per hour.

“This is unconstitutional and ridiculous,” said former Vice President Dick Cheney, caught uncomfortably selling nuclear weapons to men in dark suits and glasses. “This is unbelievable and unprecedented. Inania like this is truly reflective of the expectations being placed on our shadow government representatives and how the Internet infrastructure is currently being used to erode our superior way of life by a nameless Netterati terrorist rabble.”

When asked for his reaction to the day's events, President Obama said, "Good," breathed a sigh of relief and went to play hoops. 

“We are not precisely sure what Dr. Smallberries intended with this grand gesture, but we are immensely gratified with any gift of this size,” said Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, in a smart tea-colored suit created for the occasion. “We welcome back our estanged colonies with open arms.

Her Majesty's First Royal Colonial Action was to issue an arrest warrant for the entire Bush Administration, along with Sarah Palin, John McCain, Rupert Murdoch and all of Fox News, as well as Roger Goodell, NFL Commissioner (whom the Queen went after, herself, helmet-to-helmet). Her Second Royal Colonial Action forced all members of the Senate to work at a drive-in located in Devonshire (that will only show Peter Fonda movies, the Queen's favorite). Her Third Royal Colonial Action gifted Boston back to Ireland. And Her Fourth Royal Colonial Action renamed Washington, DC, "HOUNDSDITCH."

While most Americans got behind this, Sarah Palin started taking potshots at the Queen for all of thirty seconds before she was clapped in irons and put in the Tower of London, where she'll be responsible for mouth-feeding ravens and working the gift shop for the rest of her life.  

When not killing wolves for fun, Sarah Palin often prepares to welcome visitors
to the new U.S.-themed Tower of London Gift Shop.

This October's Magic Thingie (and a little CHI)

October 2010 contains an ancient magic thingie.

[spooky music UP]

It has FIVE Fridays, FIVE Saturdays and FIVE Sundays all in one month, which only occurs once every 823 years. Kinda like Da-da's shower/quiet-time frequency. Ahem.

According to all things Feng Shui, it's considered the greatest of luck to pass this info around (the FIVE days thing, not Da-da's forced hygienic dearth)... BUT, since luck is not a factor for nearly all of you, it'll at least result in you popping open a big ol' can of INSPIRATION. Ahhh, smells like inspiration.

Speaking of Feng Shui inspiration, if your home/biz/corp network is not experiencing MAXIMUM CHI, you might want to try this:

The AcmeVaporware Feng Shui Torpo-Fluxometer for Unflinching Network Vector Orientation enables anyone to instantly determine which direction to orient their network for chi optimization. This chi-optimization technology was first discovered by occult cruise-packet researchers at Morvalia Polytechnic University's Advanced Divination section (whose research was funded by a generous grant from AcmeVaporware).

AVW's Networking Feng Shui Vector technology reaches quickly and easily into the Soliton Reality Transport Layer that constantly surrounds us, extracting and pre-packaging the optimal native networking vector changes or flux. In this form of networking Feng Shui, a representative doppelganger of the envisioned network is designed to fit the corporate LAN/WAN "body" comfortably, orienting it along a North-South-East-West cardinal grid to allow the network body to best route vital soliton energy, or chi, so that is can function effectively and thus eliminate metro gridlock.

In Feng Shui networking, every cruise-packet soliton has a certain chi value. These values are automatically collated and analyzed by the Torpo-Fluxometer, which then generates vector matrix aggregations that guide the creation of LANs and WANs, tailoring the flow to promote individual end-user well-being and maximum carrier cost-effectiveness.

In relation to existing network build-outs, Networking Feng Shui archetypes guide us in seeking naturally beneficial site/CO conditions, network topologies and equipment enclosures, rack arrangements, optimal wiring paths and such. In doing so, the AVW Feng Shui Torpo-Fluxometer channels natural earth-mother/cruise-packet chi energies to empower networks in doing what they already do, but just a whole lot better and with a pretty blue glow.

ORIENT YOUR NETWORK!

Wow, that's great gobbletygook.

Remember: AVW's Advanced Torpo-Divination Maquiladora chugs 24/7 to help Da-da (and Ma-ma) network architects maximize superior cruise-packet vector integrity. Printed verbatim with permission of the folks running AcmeVaporware. AIIEEE! Bruce Wayne is wearing bat underpants!

Get MAX CHI NOW.