Da-da Coffee is Always Intense

Needless to say, Da-da coffee is THICK as a Klansman's head (um, and THAT CUP IS STUCK TO THE WALL). Reminiscent of Navy coffee, it's an evil hellbroth that not only wakes you up, it wakes up the kids, the county, the Living Dead, what's left of NORAD...

Here's the recipe:

Da-da's Javanarian Coffee Experience

• 6 tsp. (heaping) instant coffee
  (equal parts Nescafe Classico & Taster's Choice)

• Hot water (190 degrees F.)

• Cream & sugar, if desired
  (Da-da drinks it black, like Da-da's heart)

Spoon coffee into cup. Keep spooning. When you get tired, add hot water. Stir. Pick up cup, face east, sip and say, "GOD, I needed that."

Congratulations, you're a Javanarian. Welcome.

Ok, now the good news. Caffeinewise, this magilla has less caffeine than its nominal counterpart. However, if you'd like even less go-juice viscosity for your quotidian cup, Da-da typically mixes 2 tsp. Decaf Taster's Choice (Green) instant with 2.5 tsp. Regular Taster's Choice (Red) + 1 scant tsp. of Nescafe Classico for more of a burnt Viennese roast taste, depending on the size of the mug and how bleary Da-da is -- which is usually bleary enough to kill a regular person. Note that fresh instant coffee is much better than regular drip coffee, as it's more caramel-y and less bitter than its brewed counterpart, has a nice viscosity brewed coffee can't match, and is absolutely delicious with cream and sugar. It's addictive, be careful, like a Starbucks foofy drink, but for only about $1. It does go stale fast, though, so store coffee in a glass jar with a rubber-gasket.

Da-da knows: "Why instant coffee, Da-da? We thought you were Scaramanga in your tastes." Da-da is an effete bastard in his tastes, o'course -- primarily because of all the extra nipples -- but a little backstory is in order, Mr. Bond.

Da-da was in London on business (the charges didn't stick), popped in a cafe and ordered a cup-o-joe. It was literally the best coffee Da-da had ever had, save for that civet coffee in that cell in French Guyana. Da-da immediately asked the server what kind of coffee it was.

"Uh. It's from a machine," she said.

"No, it isn't," Da-da countered, expertly.

"Come with me," she said, rolling her eyes and waving me into the back of the restaurant. At first, Da-da thought he was getting lucky, but then there was the source of the amazing coffee: a Nescafe instant coffee machine? Huh? Da-da bought a box of Nescafe euro-instant and kept it in his cell hotel: it was nearly as good. Alas, Da-da later discovered that the good instant coffee is only sent to Europe, as everyone knows that the U.S. population prefers that hot-water-with-a-brown-crayon WEAK-ass $3 coffee. In a styrofoam cup. With eggshells. And a fish. Named Dave.

Anyway, in Da-da coffee, the spoon STANDS STRAIGHT UP, Dracula. That's 9000-weight viscosity, baby.

Da-da Coffee is always intense.

This Old SUX

Da-da has an old SUV SUX, and like him it's getting older, heavier, dumber, lower to the ground, and makes odd noises every time it moves. He used to think it was a pretty good, reliable vehicle (Da-da won't reveal the make), until the steering box went out at only 74,000 miles to the tune of $2600, and then had to be replaced four times, as the part is now only made by cheap-ass overseas firms. NOW, Da-da's SUX needs a complete brake overhaul and tires (about $900 + $900 where I live), AND the stupid thing only gets 12 mpg... hmm.

Since Da-da lives in a fairly flat place (well, he used to), and his travel requirements are mostly home to school to home to grocery store to trusses-R-us, etc., he's thinking of parking/planting the SUX, and getting this:

Ok, not this exactly, but a human-powered, kid-delivery vehicle, nonetheless. Something more like this:

Wheeee! Sure, Da-da will have to get a wig and Jackie-O sunglasses and an Anthropologie wardrobe to make it work, but behold his soon-to-be-new-means of transport: the "Bakfiets," Dutch-to-English translation = bak (tray, box) + fiets (bicycle). Note: “Bakfiets” is singular. Originally designed as a three-wheel cargo bike for delivering hordes of danishes (mmmm, danish hordes), this updated, urbane version holds three kids and groceries, and even has a rainfly canopy for bad weather (though not for the pilot, alas). It's a tad pricey at $3000, but when you think about how overpriced mountain bikes are, AND add up the savings vs. driving the stupid SUX...

Let's do a quick cost comparison:

SUX

• $400 annual registration/tags
• $1000/yr. insurance
• $1500/yr. maintenance
• $3000/yr. fuel, etc. 
• $120 smog certificate

That's over $6000/yr. in operating expense, sans big repairs that always seem to be necessary. Plus, the SUX pollutes like Dick Cheney and is about as cool.

Bakfiets

• $3000 one-time sticker price
• $0 insurance
• $100/yr. maintenance
• $0 fuel (save for carne asada burritos for dada)
• ZERO pollution, save for the carne asada miasma coming from pilot sweat.

Um, do the math. Plus, gym memberships around here are approx. $100/mo., so Da-da will get free exercise, AND he'll look COOL... well, as cool as Da-da ever looks, which is ZERO, but maybe he'll be a LITTLE TEENY BIT COOL. Ok, forget it. There's a COOLER bike available, but it's a secret for now, as it would take your head clean off. Your neck stump will DROOL, guaranteed... AND then Da-da can wear his SUPERDA-DA costume 24/7, yay. Now, all he has to do is sell the boss on the $3000 idea.

Those muscles are soon-to-be Da-da's, baby... after he's dead.

Rhino-Robo Augmentation and a Remodel: Your Basic Weekend Recap

Got a lot done this weekend while Da-da's in-laws were here. Got Bronko's rhino-robo augmentation installed, yay...

...and all the comic tile installed in the bathrooms...

...as well as the huge WALL-O-COMICS tile in the parlor...

...the dark portions making Lucy's face. Neat, huh? Took about an hour. Da-da also built out the atrium...

...the boys LOVE racing the elevators. AND the whole thing runs on trained (volunteer) squirrels, so no power spikage. Da-da *does* have to lay in about ten tons of nuts every week, but it's a renewable energy source...

Nuts.

... and Da-da only has to keep five tons at his house. (Thanks, Steve.).

Less Bear Grease on Good-News Friday

Scientists just announced that the ceasing of the burning of scientists has resulted in the ozone layer coming back, yay. So, you might not need to slather that three inches of bear grease (it's NATURAL) on your tykes for UV protection, anymore, just two!

GENEVA: The protective ozone layer in the Earth's upper atmosphere has stopped thinning and should largely be restored by mid century thanks to a ban on harmful chemicals, U.N. scientists said.

The "Scientific Assessment of Ozone Depletion 2010" report said a 1987 international treaty that phased out chlorofluorocarbons (CFC) - substances used in refrigerators, aerosol sprays and some packing foams - had been successful.

Ozone provides a natural protective filter against harmful ultra-violet rays from the sun, which can cause sunburn, cataracts and skin cancer as well as damage vegetation.

Global ozone is increasing

First observations of a seasonal ozone hole appearing over the Antarctic occurred in the 1970s and the alarm was raised in the 1980s after it was found to be worsening under the onslaught of CFCs, prompting 196 countries to join the Montreal Protocol.

"The Montreal Protocol signed in 1987 to control ozone depleting substances is working, it has protected us from further ozone depletion over the past decades," said World Meteorological Organisation head of research Len Barrie.

"Global ozone, including ozone in the polar region is not longer decreasing but not yet increasing," he told journalists.

[linky]

I've had reports from three bears already (two browns and a sun), and they're ecstatic. Coppertone stock was down, tho. [sniff]

Enter the Dadamobile

Behold the new Dadamobile:

Measuring 11 feet, 4 inches long and 8 feet high, this crazy ride uses go-kart brakes and axles and recycled bike parts to get you on the road. Apparently those outer rims are parts of a drainage pipe, so you know it's nice and sturdy.

Sure, it's pedal powered, so it's not going to go that fast. But with four people all working together, I'll bet you could still get up to a decent clip. And just look at it! You'd certainly be a unique presence out there on the road.

[linkie]

 Love the lawn chairs, but why is there a fire extinguisher on the back? And how do you get in? I can barely get in and out of bed anymore, but that's mostly because of the armor. (It's a long story.)

The Sitter [spooky music UP]

Yes, it's almost Halloween, so it's time for some FEAR, yay. Ready?

To any real parent (as opposed to all those fake ones), leaving your children with strangers pretty much pegs the Sphinctometer. Indeed, choosing the right babysitter is tricky, esp. as Mr. Mom, which somehow carries a greater level of anxiety than for Actual Mom, who can somehow sniff these things out like some kind of Alpha animal (in a good way, honey), but Da-da has his own standards and he's gonna stick to 'em. Da-da means, when he goes to the door to let in that latest highly recommended $20/hr. sitter and she's wearing a freaking bunny mask and standing there staring at Da-da and breathing heavily... well, Da-da's mind conjured this:

Um, hello? Wearing a bunny mask, however cute and endearing, is right up there with showing up for a job interview wearing a white-painted William Shatner mask and bloodstained coveralls... which might explain why Da-da's unemployed, hmm. Da-da thought it was just the clown makeup. Anyway, it's safe to say that Da-da and company ate IN that night. Sure, our family wears masks almost constantly, but OURS aren't creepy, jeez.

[NOTE: John Carpenter's, "HALLOWEEN," was so scary because THE SHAPE (as he was known in the script) is wearing a William Shatner mask painted white; the prop guy couldn't find any scary masks -- the only one he could find was the Shat -- so John Carpenter said, "Paint it white." That's why the film works: IT'S AN EMOTIONLESS WILLIAM SHATNER KILLING PEOPLE. You never saw The Shat this way because he was consistently overacting, which explains the movie's puzzling fright -- and why the pathetic remake was... well, pathetic. Overactingly speaking, you might overact, too, if you were humping giant rabbits one moment, waxing white commanche the next.]

[NOTE2: If you wanna see something reeeeaaallly scary, try THE SITTER II. Mmmm, burned baloney.]

You Know It's Monday, When...

...Mr. LOUD is suffering from ABCBCI (Auto-beanbag Clothes Basket Cranial Inversion)...

...baby tiger has the spins...

...and da-da's brain is in a bag. Does that make sense? I can't tell, my brain's in a bag. Hey, I suddenly feel like running for Congress! Or maybe an anchor on FOX!

"You can either frolic and revel in this month's ritual phonebook burning -- or you can talk to the clown."

In response to the potential (silly) book-burning of the Quran in Florida on 9/11, AcmeVaporware today announced...

============================================

ACMEVAPORWARE TO BURN PHONEBOOK ON 9/11

AVW Annoyance Response Section to Immolate White Pages (No Offense) to Protest People Who’ve Lost All Sense of Perspective

JUDGMENT CITY, Florida -- SEPT 7, 2010 -- AcmeVaporware today announced that highly trained AVW shock troops from the company’s supersecret Annoyance Response Section have successfully infiltrated various parts of the world to burn phonebooks (in fireplaces, we’re careful alien step-ins, c’mon) to protest people protesting without proper cranial pressure levels. Angry villagers -- who aren’t that angry and who are very very careful with fire ­ are asked to burn their own (old) phonebooks, but only if it’s cold and you want to keep warm. The fearless onslaught will feature some of the most advanced and frightening pyrotechnic iterations of the company’s Physical Layer de-routing solutions ever assembled in the confused state of Florida.

“Few -- if any -- of us at AVW can stand people getting excited about dumb things,” said Dr. John Smallberries, chairman of AcmeVaporware, from inside a giant tub of bubble bath at AVW headquarters, his big toe caught in the tub faucet. “This action, while overly dramatic, really captures the terror and absolute chaos that surrounds any sudden, Physical Layer, De-res Un-naming Scenario.” A fireman on scene asked why he was in a tub of suds in his office. “Oh. I like to be clean, ok? Besides, we at AcmeVaporware ARE VERY CAREFUL WHEN IT COMES TO FIRE. WE SERIOUSLY ADVISE ANYONE WHO WILL BE SHARING IN OUR WHITEPAGE BURNING TO DO SO RESPONSIBLY, FROM INSIDE A TUB OF WATER, OUTSIDE, IN A VACANT LOT, FAR FROM GASOLINE OR DOGS OR SMALL CHILDREN OR NUCLEAR WASTE OR UFOS OR THE WHITEHOUSE. What was the question?” Dr. Smallberries later stated that, since we’re all basically one giant spirit, anyway, we might as well do away with silly things like individual names, religious intolerance, and phonebooks.

"AAAAUUGGGHHHIIIIIIEE!!!!" screamed someone at a local church when informed of AcmeVaporware’s future actions, pocketing their $20,000 check from CNN. Prior to being flash-frozen, the entire congregation in question chanted, en masse, that they fully support AcmeVaporware’s De-res Ontological/Individual Initiative, as well as: “THE NEW PHONEBOOK’S HERE! AND IT’S JUST ONE PAGE! YAY!”

The congregation, along with many many others of all denominations and divisors, will be stored in AVW’s Area 52 CEO Proving Grounds & Mass-name Storage Facility near Groom Lake, Nevada. The company’s specially designed cryogenic storage facility already features such notables as: Elian Gonzalez, Monica Lewinsky, Bert Convy, Scott Baio and Gavin MacLeod (thus ending any possibility of a Love Boat Reunion). The congregation was placed next to Walt Disney and the REAL Martha Stewart ; the android Martha Stewart was unavailable for comment. Charo and Fidel Castro remain at large.

About AcmeVaporware

AcmeVaporware, Inc. is a revolutionary parodic monstrosity, doling out incomprehensible OSI-model mimetics, quasi-lexiconographical de-logistics and torpolinguistic supply-chain wake-up calls to anyone caught touching their monkey within the tri-state area. Information on AcmeVaporware, its future secret projects, and its delicious, profligate amounts of finest-quality vapor are mostly classified. Regardless, it's all on www.acmevaporware.com anyway, so whatever. You can also find a bunch of it, here:

http://acmevaporware.com/_00torpo.htm

http://acmevaporware.com/acme.htm

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Logrolling ist superaffengeil.

Da-da Post-Rapture, Post-Post-Modern Drink Recipe: The Blood of the Vanquished

The Blood of the Vanquished is ready to slake your thirst... FOREVER, AHHAHAHAHHAAA! Sorry.

By popular demand -- and in honor of another holiday almost upon us -- Da-da has singled out his previous drink recipe, which has become his new favorite drink this side of viscous Da-Da coffee. As Da-da mentioned months ago, he'd been working on a kind of, "Filthy Gibson," for some time with Hendrick's Gin, which has a certain vegetal taste that works well with onions (other gins don't work with this recipe), when Da-da added a robust, jiggerish splash of Mr.and Mrs. T's Bold and Spicy Bloody Mary Mix and... BOOM. Da-da had the basis of what he calls, "The Blood of the Vanquished," which describes Da-da most days. Anyway, here's the recipe:

Da-da's BLOOD OF THE VANQUISHED

- 2 oz. Hendrick's Gin
- Capful of Dry Vermouth
- A Dick Cheney splash of cocktail onion juice
- Recalcitrant squeeze of half a lime
- A sizeable PLOMP or three of Mr.and Mrs. T's Bold and Spicy Bloody Mary Mix, which is fabulous
- 10 cocktail onions (hey, Da-da LIKES cocktail onions).

Into a chilled pint glass half-full of ice, add vermouth and gin and onion juice and lime, along with the lime itself. Stir. STIR LIKE THE WIND. Top with bloody mary mix, stir again, and taste. Cowboy up and sip some off the top if you need more mix -- or pour it into a bigger glass like Da-da. Drop onions into a large, pre-chilled martini glass and whomp in the mixture. Don't be gentle. Yields about two martini-glasses' worth. Garnish with MORE of the largest Monsanto cocktail onions you can find and DRINK, DRINK LIKE THE WIND. For those of you who don't drink, this is also excellent sans alcohol, though drop in some celery seed and a few dashes of Worcestershire sauce. (Snap-E-Tom and Clamato are first-rate tomato juice substitutes.)

NOTE: Blood of the Vanquished is THE drink for post-Rapture parties. Damn. (So to speak.)

Oops. Da-da meant the REAL Rapture, not that earlier fake one. Those were wires, dude.