"You can either frolic and revel in this month's ritual phonebook burning -- or you can talk to the clown."

In response to the potential (silly) book-burning of the Quran in Florida on 9/11, AcmeVaporware today announced...


AVW Annoyance Response Section to Immolate White Pages (No Offense) to Protest People Who’ve Lost All Sense of Perspective

JUDGMENT CITY, Florida -- SEPT 7, 2010 -- AcmeVaporware today announced that highly trained AVW shock troops from the company’s supersecret Annoyance Response Section have successfully infiltrated various parts of the world to burn phonebooks (in fireplaces, we’re careful alien step-ins, c’mon) to protest people protesting without proper cranial pressure levels. Angry villagers -- who aren’t that angry and who are very very careful with fire ­ are asked to burn their own (old) phonebooks, but only if it’s cold and you want to keep warm. The fearless onslaught will feature some of the most advanced and frightening pyrotechnic iterations of the company’s Physical Layer de-routing solutions ever assembled in the confused state of Florida.

“Few -- if any -- of us at AVW can stand people getting excited about dumb things,” said Dr. John Smallberries, chairman of AcmeVaporware, from inside a giant tub of bubble bath at AVW headquarters, his big toe caught in the tub faucet. “This action, while overly dramatic, really captures the terror and absolute chaos that surrounds any sudden, Physical Layer, De-res Un-naming Scenario.” A fireman on scene asked why he was in a tub of suds in his office. “Oh. I like to be clean, ok? Besides, we at AcmeVaporware ARE VERY CAREFUL WHEN IT COMES TO FIRE. WE SERIOUSLY ADVISE ANYONE WHO WILL BE SHARING IN OUR WHITEPAGE BURNING TO DO SO RESPONSIBLY, FROM INSIDE A TUB OF WATER, OUTSIDE, IN A VACANT LOT, FAR FROM GASOLINE OR DOGS OR SMALL CHILDREN OR NUCLEAR WASTE OR UFOS OR THE WHITEHOUSE. What was the question?” Dr. Smallberries later stated that, since we’re all basically one giant spirit, anyway, we might as well do away with silly things like individual names, religious intolerance, and phonebooks.

"AAAAUUGGGHHHIIIIIIEE!!!!" screamed someone at a local church when informed of AcmeVaporware’s future actions, pocketing their $20,000 check from CNN. Prior to being flash-frozen, the entire congregation in question chanted, en masse, that they fully support AcmeVaporware’s De-res Ontological/Individual Initiative, as well as: “THE NEW PHONEBOOK’S HERE! AND IT’S JUST ONE PAGE! YAY!”

The congregation, along with many many others of all denominations and divisors, will be stored in AVW’s Area 52 CEO Proving Grounds & Mass-name Storage Facility near Groom Lake, Nevada. The company’s specially designed cryogenic storage facility already features such notables as: Elian Gonzalez, Monica Lewinsky, Bert Convy, Scott Baio and Gavin MacLeod (thus ending any possibility of a Love Boat Reunion). The congregation was placed next to Walt Disney and the REAL Martha Stewart ; the android Martha Stewart was unavailable for comment. Charo and Fidel Castro remain at large.

About AcmeVaporware

AcmeVaporware, Inc. is a revolutionary parodic monstrosity, doling out incomprehensible OSI-model mimetics, quasi-lexiconographical de-logistics and torpolinguistic supply-chain wake-up calls to anyone caught touching their monkey within the tri-state area. Information on AcmeVaporware, its future secret projects, and its delicious, profligate amounts of finest-quality vapor are mostly classified. Regardless, it's all on www.acmevaporware.com anyway, so whatever. You can also find a bunch of it, here:


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