Happy Birthday, Senore Moriondo

BOING. Looks awake, doesn't he? He should.

Who is this severely caffeinated man, you ask? THIS... is your hero. Yup. This is the guy who Starbucks and Peet's and all the rest of you serious coffee drinkers owe big time, as he was the first to invent a machine to send steam through coffee. Yes, it's the original Italian Mr. Coffee, Senore Angelo Moriondo, the guy who invented espresso. Da-da is sacrificing many beans to Sr. Moriondo today -- well, every day, and then, only tangentially, as Da-da makes seriously deranged INSTANT DA-DA COFFEE, which could perhaps explain why Da-da looks like a golem half the time (though the wordS on Da-da's head read, "YOUR NAME HERE"), as well as why Da-da hasn't slept since the War of the Roses... but also, most importantly for you, it might indicate exactly WHY Da-da can't seem to stake this vampire sentence... DIE, SENTENCE, DIE! There. It also might explain why that pesky spoon won't fall over, but then again, physical laws don't always work around Da-da. What was the question, again?

Da-da coffee is always intense.

Da-da Coffee is Always Intense

Needless to say, Da-da coffee is THICK as a Klansman's head (um, and THAT CUP IS STUCK TO THE WALL). Reminiscent of Navy coffee, it's an evil hellbroth that not only wakes you up, it wakes up the kids, the county, the Living Dead, what's left of NORAD...

Here's the recipe:

Da-da's Javanarian Coffee Experience

• 6 tsp. (heaping) instant coffee
  (equal parts Nescafe Classico & Taster's Choice)

• Hot water (190 degrees F.)

• Cream & sugar, if desired
  (Da-da drinks it black, like Da-da's heart)

Spoon coffee into cup. Keep spooning. When you get tired, add hot water. Stir. Pick up cup, face east, sip and say, "GOD, I needed that."

Congratulations, you're a Javanarian. Welcome.

Ok, now the good news. Caffeinewise, this magilla has less caffeine than its nominal counterpart. However, if you'd like even less go-juice viscosity for your quotidian cup, Da-da typically mixes 2 tsp. Decaf Taster's Choice (Green) instant with 2.5 tsp. Regular Taster's Choice (Red) + 1 scant tsp. of Nescafe Classico for more of a burnt Viennese roast taste, depending on the size of the mug and how bleary Da-da is -- which is usually bleary enough to kill a regular person. Note that fresh instant coffee is much better than regular drip coffee, as it's more caramel-y and less bitter than its brewed counterpart, has a nice viscosity brewed coffee can't match, and is absolutely delicious with cream and sugar. It's addictive, be careful, like a Starbucks foofy drink, but for only about $1. It does go stale fast, though, so store coffee in a glass jar with a rubber-gasket.

Da-da knows: "Why instant coffee, Da-da? We thought you were Scaramanga in your tastes." Da-da is an effete bastard in his tastes, o'course -- primarily because of all the extra nipples -- but a little backstory is in order, Mr. Bond.

Da-da was in London on business (the charges didn't stick), popped in a cafe and ordered a cup-o-joe. It was literally the best coffee Da-da had ever had, save for that civet coffee in that cell in French Guyana. Da-da immediately asked the server what kind of coffee it was.

"Uh. It's from a machine," she said.

"No, it isn't," Da-da countered, expertly.

"Come with me," she said, rolling her eyes and waving me into the back of the restaurant. At first, Da-da thought he was getting lucky, but then there was the source of the amazing coffee: a Nescafe instant coffee machine? Huh? Da-da bought a box of Nescafe euro-instant and kept it in his cell hotel: it was nearly as good. Alas, Da-da later discovered that the good instant coffee is only sent to Europe, as everyone knows that the U.S. population prefers that hot-water-with-a-brown-crayon WEAK-ass $3 coffee. In a styrofoam cup. With eggshells. And a fish. Named Dave.

Anyway, in Da-da coffee, the spoon STANDS STRAIGHT UP, Dracula. That's 9000-weight viscosity, baby.

Da-da Coffee is always intense.