It's official: influenced by the highly successful Turkey Rapture a few weeks ago, at 5:58 am EST, all the world's hams and pigs and slabs of bacon and pork bellies pre-empted the holidays and Raptured themselves into Pig Heaven, where they'll pretty much do the same things pigs have done in the past, except they'll glow a lot more -- and gloat about all the spiritually UNCLEAN ham they Left Behind. Yes, in case of Ham Rapture, your ham will indeed be unhammed.

"This was reported previously," said an anonymous FDA official, "but because of the huge number of pigs, ham, pork bellies and bacon in the world, it took a lot longer to get all that protoplasm transmuted up into Pig Heaven. Think of the logistics." The official added that he's really sad to see bacon go, but that he understood that pigs had a right to spiritual ascendancy, too.

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