Why Da-da Only Does Roadtrips (or OLD SCHOOL DA-DA IS COMING FOR YOU, BARBARA)

Da-da likes to keep things as light as possible, as life is simply TOO lifelike these days, but some subjects are unavoidable. Da-da admittedly doesn't get out much, as he's... you know, Da-da, to 4 and 6YO crazed wombats... so the above video may not reflect current conditions (it's from 2010), but Da-da doubts it. Anyway, the Daily Mail just covered this story about a toddler with a broken leg in a wheelchair who was forced to endure a physical assault by a TSA stooge. There's precedent for this as all terrorists are three years old and rolling around in bomb-laden wheelchairs. Spooky, huh? But touching without permission? That's assault in civilized countries. And touching a child without permission? That's a little old felony, not that anyone pays any attention to "the law" anymore. Speaking of The Law, touching Da-da's children without permission of course results in Da-da's 6' 1" 265 lb.-bulk being coincident in space-time with offending object X at slightly less-than-terminal velocity, yielding a happy amount of kinetic energy. BAM! Da-da tries (he really does) to be human half some most of the time, but reason takes a backseat when his children are involved and Da-da basically becomes...

Boo.

...James Harrison of the Pittsburgh Steelers, only Da-da's bigger. And meaner. And has lasers coming out of his eyes. Truthfully, the above image is pretty darn close to how Da-da looks 24/7 -- especially in the morning when he's forced to cook breakfast for 92 genius mental patients who are really only two in quantity, but seem like 92. Da-da also looks like this if he steps on Bakugans in the middle of the night. Barefoot. On the stairs. And yes, this homicidal protective urge is the main reason why Da-da goes on roadtrips and refrains from flying with children (anyone's children), as he'd no doubt be on CNN the next day as a cautionary tale. But Da-da isn't some mindless brute, even if he really is one. No, he's a WHACKO PROTECTOR. Of all children. That means all of you, as you all used to be (and still are) innocent children, too.

Oldest Most Distant Tantrum in the Universe Discovered...

...and yes, it turns out that Da-da, in a previous stellar incarnation, was there, sitting patiently at the back of the cosmic bus while quasar toddlers exploded in fury. Be glad you weren't there. Here's the poop if you want to get technical.

A gamma-ray toddler burst known as GRTB 090429B for the 29 April 2009 date when it was detected by NASA's AIIEIE satellite has been found to be a candidate for the most distant toddler tantrum explosion in the Universe at an estimated distance of 13.14 billion light years -- which is still not far enough away. The toddler burst lies far beyond any known quasar lawn gorillas and could be more distant than any previously known kid burst. The gigantic tantrum burst of gamma toddler rays erupted from an exploding toddler when the Universe was less than 4% of its present age, just 520 million years old, and less than 10% of its present size, when attorneys were not yet evident and eveything was much cheaper and more wholesome, yet still incredibly loud and annoying, what are you gonna do?

Gamma-ray toddler bursts, the loudest explosions known, unfortunately occur within the observable Universe at a rate of about twenty octillion per day. Because of their extreme loudness, gamma-ray toddler bursts can be detected by really anyone in the known universe (with ears) who isn't smart enough to wear earplugs. While the bursts themselves last for about 20 minutes, their painful, fading "hangover" remains in the parental observer's neural event horizon for a freaking long time, and is akin to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Detailed studies of the toddler explosion hangover during this time, when feasible, allow masochistic scientists to measure the distance to the burst. Why they would care is beyond Da-da.

[linky]

Some scientists' wooden heads make handy paperweights. Others do not.