Da-da's Secret LEFT-BEHIND Burger Recipe

This one comes with its own paramedic.

Now that nearly all of us survived the Rapture (well, the first one), there's really nothing left to do but share Da-da's favorite burger recipe, with sincere apologies to vegetarians, big-eyed cows and Ascended Masters everywhere. As many of you know, few things can replace a really good burger... except for maybe sleep... ...and sex... and maybe a fresh baguette and a cup of coffee... and enlightenment. Ok, lots of things can replace a really good burger, but that messes up Da-da's article so get thee behind me, un-Raptured Left-Behind hunger-monger.

Da-da refuses to eat fast food burgers. 99.9999% of them contain vast amounts of chemicals to make the "meat" taste like "meat," not the least of which is RIBOFLAVIN (not the vitamin, but the Jerry Lewis nuclear/alien variant, try saying it out loud), along with radioactive waste, ground up attorneys and vampires (tough to discern that one), Agent Orange (now used as a "green" household cleanser, go figure) and old burnt tires from behind elementary schools. Mmm-mm.

The good news is that YOU can make a better, tastier burger with just a quick, mincing tweakage. Few of you realize that Da-da has already spent too many years sleuthing out the best burger recipe in the world, let alone one epsecially suited to those of us... LEFT BEHIND. [sniff.] Like finding the best take-out mexican food place in existence, this wasn't easy (more on that later). A lot of chefs won't tell you everything that's in their burger (and they have the advantage of prime beef), but after torturing several with a mixtape of Montovani and Jose Jimenez and Burl Ives and "Chipmonk Christmas," PLAYED SIMULTANEOUSLY, they cracked, and now Da-da's gonna spill. It's pretty simple, actually. Enjoy.

Da-da's Secret LEFT-BEHIND Burger Recipe

4 lbs ground beef (90/10 or 80/20)

2-3 shallots minced

1 T. red bell pepper, minced

1 T. dijon

2 T. ketchup

3 T. worcestershire (Da-da typically uses a tbls per lb of beef)

S&P (IMPORTANT: Use Lawry's Seasoning salt.)

Get good beef from a reliable source, or don't and see if Da-da cares. Grass fed might be vogue (why?), but it's got half the flavor, so get the other kind, with decent fat content (80/20). Set the beef out for about an hour to warm it up to room temperature, then mince and mix all ingredients by hand. Squishy squishy. Let the formed burgers rest while you fire up the grill (if you're going to use charcoal, light the grill first).

Note: In forming patties, Da-da presses down on the middle of the burger, so the center is a little thinner than the sides; this helps cook the whole thing evenly, without a rare patch, unless you like ze rare patch. Grill 5-6 min./side (or to your burnt-offering liking), and top with cheese, if desired. Toast the buns, and be sure to make a plate of lettuce and onion and real kosher pickles, etc. If you want an In-N-Out-esque burger sauce, use equal parts mayo and red chili sauce (which is better than ketchup, don't ask Da-da why) and a little sweet relish and pinch of salt. Note: Da-da slices Bronko and Nagurski's burgers in half, horizontally, before putting them on the bun, so they can get their mouths on them. Serve with whatever you like to serve with burgers. A steroidal ear of corn, perhaps?